Fools
by heidipoo
Summary: The idea of an affair seems like a good one, until Brian is stuck and caught between two worlds. It is a particular agony, wanting somebody who doesn't want you, and Brock knows that agony all too well.
1. trying hard not to fall

**A/N: The wait is over! It's finally time for the Terrornuckel multichapter I promised. This is going to be a lengthy story, lots of fluff, lots of angst, you get the picture. Anyway, first chapters always suck because they're mostly intro chapters, but I hope you guys like it, and are prepared to go on this long and emotional ride with me. Be sure to favorite, review, all that other good stuff, and until next time, stay fabulous! Oh! And I almost forgot! The icon for this fanfiction was made by my lovely friend Melina, so be sure to give her some love too! I can't wait to see what y'all think of this story of mine.**

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Brian couldn't sleep. He was too excited, too wound up, too ready to get the hell out of this tiny apartment he'd been living in for god knows how long. He was mostly packed already, aside from his gaming set up at the desk, everything else was already stashed away in boxes, suitcases, and other miscellaneous bags. The plane tickets were kept in a safe place, the date on them coming closer and closer with each moment that passed. His flight was scheduled in three days, and the Irishman was so excited to be finally moving, despite all the packing, the expense, and all the hassle, it was well worth it.

LA called his name, of all the times he had visited there, he knew he belonged. His youtube career could flourish, he'd be open to all kinds of other ample opportunities, and he'd be closer to a lot of his friends whom he played games with. And none of them knew Brian was moving just yet; he had kept it a secret for a very long time, and he was planning on telling them tomorrow. Of course, they all didn't live in LA, but flying to LA would be a lot easier than flying to Ireland. And his friends were in LA all the time anyway, for gaming conventions, and other youtube related things. It was already late, and Brian knew he needed to fall asleep soon. He had a lot of last minute things to finish up tomorrow, so with those final thoughts in his head, he rolled over in his tiny bed, and closed his eyes, hoping sleep would overtake his body any minute now.

Morning came quickly, sunlight shining through the frothy curtains of the small apartment, and Brian found that he had overslept. Figures, since he didn't go to bed when he was supposed to. He had a few missed texts and calls from the guys, letting him know that he was already late for today's recording session. He sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, and quickly rose, getting a slight head rush in the process. "Fuck..." He muttered, stumbling around and looking for a shirt to throw on. Once he was decent, he made his way to the desk, turning his computer and everything else needed on. If he remembered correctly, the guys had said something about playing garry's mod today.

"Well, well, well, look who decided to finally fucking join us," Nogla's voice immediately reached Brian as he sat down and put on his headset, joining the skype call with the majority of the guys in it. "Good afternoon sleeping beauty." He joked with some laughter afterwards. Brian sighed, it was way too early to be dealing with Daithi's shit.

Brian laughed, "Fuck off, I overslept."

"Excuses excuses." Evan added.

"What are we playing?" Brian inquired as he started up his game.

"Prop hunt." Moo answered. They had already been playing for about an hour now, so Brian was able to join the game already in process. He decided he wouldn't give them the good news right away, they'd play for a while, and then he would finally tell them. It was Mini Ladd who had managed to talk Brian into finally moving. It's not like he wasn't giving it a good amount of thought already, it's just that Mini was the icing on the cake. And he finally took the plunge and went for it, finding another apartment, this one slightly bigger than the one he already lived in, and set a moving date. That was about a month ago, and the date was already here, already so close.

After playing for a little while, Marcel picked up on it, "You're being really quiet Brian."

"Am I?" Brian inquired, not really taking any notice. Maybe his mind was a bit preoccupied though with the whole ordeal.

"Is something wrong?" Brock asked.

"No, no, nothing's wrong." He quickly reassured. "I've actually got a bit of good news to tell you all." He said, figuring now was a good time as any. He didn't want to keep prolonging it, it was better to get it out and into the open. So all the guys egged him on, wanting to know just exactly what his good news was. "It's finally official, I'm coming to america, for good." Brian let the sentence exit his lips in a bout of excitement, and he felt a smile forming soon after. It felt good to get it off his chest, after all, keeping it a secret had been hell. It was silent for a moment, the guys continuing their game of prop hunt, in which Brian was doing pretty terrible at, but that was nothing out of the ordinary.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Well, it's honestly about damn time." Evan commented.

"When?" Nogla asked.

"In a few days!" Brian answered excitedly. "I kept it a secret because I wanted to surprise you guys." Instead of being an ocean away, he would only be a few hours away, and that mere thought alone made him so fucking excited he honestly didn't know what to do. In just a few short days, he would be at his new apartment in LA, unpacking and getting all settled in. And a party was definitely a must have; he wanted all his friends to be able to check out his new place as soon as he got everything unpacked and what not. Of course, there was a small part of him that was sure he would miss Ireland and his mother and his father, but he could always go home if he was feeling particularly homesick. His parents were very supportive in his decision to move, and he was glad.

"Dude that's awesome," Marcel added.

"Yeah," Moo said.

They continued discussing the other details and miscellaneous important things as they continued their game of gmod, Brian dying more than he needed to, but he didn't care. He was way too happy to let the guys' jokes and insults get to him today. They played for a few more hours, getting enough footage for each of them to make a video, before deciding to call it a day. One by one, each of them got off skype and exited the game. Brian had some more planning to do if he was being honest with himself, but as soon as he was off skype, his phone began to ring. Brock was calling him. He answered it with a small smile before speaking, "I had a feeling you'd be calling me Moo Moo." He said.

"Oh really?" Brock inquired with a small laugh. "So you're psychic now too?"

"Yes, that was the other good news." Brian chuckled. "What's up?" He asked, getting up from the desk. He and Brock's relationship was a very strange thing. They were closer than most, that was for sure, and the two kind of clung to each other. Vanoss had Delirious, Mini had Wildcat, and Nogla had Lui, so by default, they were sort of stuck together. Not that it was a bad thing, Brock adored Brian, and he was almost certain that the younger man felt the same way, but to make a long story short, they were best friends. They talked more frequently, visited each other more frequently, played together more frequently. Honestly, the two were each other's rock, and both of them were thankful for that. It was nice to have some sort of support system.

Brock sighed, "Well, since you're moving I was going to ask you if you needed help with anything."

"You're too nice." Brian replied in a heartbeat. "But I think I've got everything locked down."

"You're inviting me to your new place first, right?"

"Of course." The younger man laughed. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

Brock smiled as he clutched the phone to his ear, "At least you'll be closer, that's so awesome..." He trailed off. Albeit, Utah was a little ways away from LA, but Moo didn't care. He and Brian would literally be a state away from each other, and that was close enough for him. It was so much better than him being in a different country; the excitement was real. "I can't wait." He managed to get out once more. Hell, just thinking of all the things they'd be able to do together, how often they'd be able to hang out made Brock's heartbeat falter if only slightly.

Brian grinned, "I hate to cut you short Brocky, but there's some other things I've got to take care of. I'll talk to you later, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay." The older man nodded, "I'll call you later." He said before bidding the younger man farewell and hanging up the phone. A sigh escaped his lips, and he knew he was in very big trouble. He was head over heels in love with Brian, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

* * *

 **A/N: To be continued...?**


	2. there's still too long to wait

It was late again, Brian's flight leaving in the early morning, and yet he was so excited he couldn't sleep. It wasn't the fact that he'd be flying, hell, he'd flown multiple times before, airplanes didn't phase him. It was the fact that his life would be different in this new setting, in this new apartment that he was moving into. And the thought of that made him giddy. Things would be easier, he'd get more done, and because of these facts, anticipation brewed in his belly of what was to come. In the morning, he'd be boarding the flight to LA, ready to fully embrace the lifestyle. Of course, maybe he was overthinking things just a bit, but he didn't care, he was excited.

The tiny bed seemed to grow even tinier as he laid restlessly, tossing and turning. Minutes finally turned into an hour, and he knew that sleep wasn't going to come anytime soon as much as he would have liked it to. Brian was too wound up, too anxious. And he knew he needed something to do to keep him busy. So, he grabbed his phone from the charger, and decided to send a text to Brock to see what the older man was up to. _You awake?_ He inquired and laid his phone back down. He had noticed as of lately, that his relationship with Brock had grown quite significantly. Not that that was a problem, after all, he was thankful to have someone like Brock in his life.

A few minutes later, his phone began to ring and he answered it immediately, "Hello?"

"Aren't you supposed to be sleeping right now?" He could hear the smile clearly etched in Brock's voice, and that thought made his heart clench for some unknown reason. There was something about the older man's voice, something about the warming comforting aspect of it all that he just couldn't shake, and it made goosebumps run up and down his pale flesh. Brock was extraordinary, too sweet for his own good.

A chuckle escaped his Irish lips and he sighed, "I can't." He answered, "Plus, I can always sleep on my flight."

"So you call to pester me? Great." Moo joked.

"Only you'll put up with my bullshit Brocky."

"I guess so." The older man laughed, switching the phone to his other ear. Late night phone calls like this were definitely not a new aspect for them. In fact, they talked on the phone most when it was late. And Brock loved it; there was something about the night that made things more intimate, more private, and Brian's sleepy voice mixed with his accent drove him absolutely wild. It was just another thing he loved about the man. He didn't know why he liked to tease himself with it though, knowing he would never be able to call the man his. Unrequited love was a game that he didn't like to play, and it was that, or being stuck in the friend zone for eternity. "You're not _all_ that bad though." He added with a grin, and he knew for a fact that Brian was smiling on the other end of the line.

"Coming from you, I don't really believe it, but alright." Brian cheekily replied. "Are you busy?" He quickly added.

"No, why?" Brock questioned.

"Do you want to play something? Keep me busy?" The Irishman asked.

"Sure." The older man said, and that was all it took for them to hang up the phone and get their gaming stuff all set up for a much needed late night session. And they weren't making a video, weren't going to get any of the other guys involved... It was just going to be those two, playing a game, for recreational purposes and to keep each other busy. And they did this often, as with many other aspects of their relationship. Again, it was different, with it just being the two of them. Most of the time, they didn't even talk, they just played together and listened to each other's breaths over the headset, finding comfort in just knowing someone else was there. Moments later, they were reconnected in a skype call. "What are we playing?" Brock inquired, letting Brian decided the game of his choice for that night.

"I know we probably won't make it very far by ourselves," Brian started, then paused to laugh a bit.

"Speak for yourself, terrible Terroriser," Brock retorted, in a teasing manner.

"Hey!"

"I'm kidding, chill." The older man grinned.

"But we could try zombies?" He offered.

"Yeah, okay." Moo agreed and the two booted up their consoles and began their game with one another. Between witty banter, bad puns, and just curses of frustration between them, hours had passed of the two just playing with each other. And before either of them knew it, they had managed to sit up all night. The sun was freshly rising in the sky. "Doesn't your flight leave in a little bit?" Brock finally pointed out after they had both died in their umpteenth game of zombies. Brian hadn't even been paying attention to the clock, he was having way too much of a good time with his best friend, so when he did finally glance at it once it was brought to attention, he was shocked. His flight left in little more than an hour's time.

"Oh shit, yeah, I guess it does." He replied, grinning sheepishly. Excitement still ran through his veins, but it wasn't only from moving, it was from Brock as well now that they had spent all this time together. "I better get going then." Brian added as he turned his console off. The tiredness was beginning to dawn on him at the moment, and he knew right then and there that he would sleep well on the plane, on his long flight over to LA.

"Have a safe flight, call me when you land Bri." Brock said.

"I will," Brian replied, before the two bid their farewells and disconnected the Skype call. A shower was needed, and that would help wake him up some so he could ride to the airport and actually board the plane. So, the Irishman did that first, and meanwhile, Moo Snuckel was heading to bed. He couldn't believe that Brian had easily kept him up all night. He sighed as he shut everything down and crawled into bed, early sunlight streaming through the frothy curtains of his bedroom. In just a few days he'd be _with_ Brian, in real life, and he didn't know how he was going to manage it.

It had been forever since they'd seen each other, and his developing feelings had only gotten stronger. He never thought he'd be the type of person to fall in love with their best friend, but hell, at this point, anything was possible. But Brian was funny, and attractive, and there was just something about him that drew Brock in. It was a living hell, and Brock had kept these feelings bottled up inside him ever since they had first surfaced, because he knew that there was no way in hell that the Irishman could ever feel the same about him. Had he thought about telling him before? Of course, but he never actually went through with it, instead, he'd go to Vanoss, his only friend that actually knew of his infatuation for Terroriser.

Brock had only slept for a few hours when his phone began to ring, interrupting his sleep and his never ending thoughts of Brian. He picked it up without looking at the screen, wondering just who it could be. "Hello?" His voice was groggy, and he kept his eyes closed because he knew if he didn't, the sunlight would kill him. It was unlike him to sleep during the day.

Evan's voice was on the other line, "Are you still sleeping? What the hell...?"

"No." Brock muttered.

"Brock," The asian pestered. "You were asleep, don't lie... Are you still recording with us today?" He inquired.

The older man rubbed his eyes and stifled a yawn, "I can't, I have to queue some videos and pack and stuff so I can go visit Brian. Sorry."

He could practically hear the smile in Evan's voice, "Ah, yes, Brian... And speaking of Brian, is our little Irish friend the reason you were up all night?" Sometimes, Brock regretted telling Vanoss about his feelings, but the teasing was all in good fun, so he didn't take it too hard to heart. In fact, sometimes it was good for him if he was really being honest with himself.

"We played zombies." He answered simply.

"When are you going to _tell_ him?" Evan questioned.

"Evan, we've been through this so many times already." Brock sighed. "I'm not going to tell him, I can't." He shook his head as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes some more. There was no way in hell he'd be able to go back to sleep now. Vanoss had long gone and woken him up, so he sat up in bed, stretching as he switched the phone to his other ear. "He doesn't like me like that." He continued as he got out of bed, ready to begin the late day.

"How do you know that?" Evan retorted.

"Because, I just know."

"Alright, suit yourself." Vanoss shrugged. "I'll talk to you later man, let me know if you need anything."

"See ya." Brock finished before hanging up. First thing's first, he needed to pack.


	3. you're all i think about

The suitcases were lined against his bedroom wall, and all Brock could do was sigh as he paced the floor back and forth. Was he packing too much? Hell, he didn't even know how long he was staying with Brian. He was overthinking this situation way too much. He couldn't even _bring_ himself to think of he and Brian, alone, at Brian's new apartment. The thought was something that lingered, and he wondered maybe, just maybe if he and Brian were alone for long enough, he'd work up the courage to confess. _No you won't,_ he mentally scolded himself. He was too awkward, too sure that the younger man wouldn't reciprocate his feelings.

With another drawn out sigh, he pulled his phone out of his back pocket and dialed Evan's number. He was sure the asian man could offer some sort of guidance or advice even though he had just spoken to him earlier today. But Brock was desperate; he needed someone to tell him that all his thoughts were perfectly okay, and it just so happened that person was Evan. The phone rang a few times before Vanoss finally picked up. "You change your mind about playing with us?" His voice rang clear as Brock held the phone to his ear.

"I need you to tell me that everything's going to be okay." Brock said instantly.

"Everything's going to be okay?" Evan hesitated. "Brock, what the hell's going on?" He questioned.

"I have too many bags packed, I'm really nervous, and I don't think I'm going to be able to be alone with him." It all spilled out of his mouth way too quickly, heart hammering, and in retrospect, Brock realized that he probably sounded like a complete and utter joke, but he didn't care. It was bothering him and he needed to rant. "Maybe I should just stay home..." He mumbled, mostly to himself but he was sure that Evan was able to catch it. But he couldn't stay home, not when Brian was relying on him to come help him move in and hang out together. The older man stood there mentally arguing back and forth with himself, driving himself crazy. "Fuck... Evan, what do I do?" His voice was pleading.

The younger man's chuckles sufficed through the other line of the phone, "First of all, you need to calm down."

"Right," Brock sighed.

"Second, it's _just_ Brian." Vanoss managed to get out. "He's your best friend, you guys talk and stuff all the time. It's okay if you're a little nervous, you guys haven't seen each other in a long time." He continued to provide insight. "I'm sure he's just as nervous as you." He added.

It was quiet for a moment before the older man spoke again, "That's exactly what I'm afraid of..."

"And third," Evan interrupted. "You really just need to tell him how you feel."

"Evan!" Brock nearly yelled. "I already told you earlier that I am _not._ I can't do that, it would ruin everything." The mere thought of him telling Brian that he... Loved him, or was in love with him made him want to throw up. It made an uneasy feeling surface in his gut, anxiety pool in his chest, and he knew that it wasn't going to be possible for him to do. And even if he did end up confessing to the younger man, who's to say that he would feel the same? Then it would be awkward, and then he'd never be able to look at Brian the same way ever again. All in all, it was a lose/lose situation, so he was better off keeping his mouth shut, strapping his feelings to a rocket and sending them on a one way trip, never to be seen again. Of course, he thought of all this stuff now, but Brock knew better, he knew that as soon as he saw Brian, all of this would be out the window.

Vanoss sighed, "Why do you even ask for my advice then? You know what it's going to be every time." He joked.

"Gee, I don't know, maybe because I thought you were a good friend?" The older man replied sarcastically.

"I'm sorry Brock, but you're not going to feel any better until you just let him know how you feel." The asian finished. And ultimately, Brock knew he was right. The inner turmoil would never go away until he got all of his emotions off his chest and out into the air. But he couldn't bring himself to do that, and he hated himself for it. He was the reason he was suffering in silence. "Are you sure you don't want to play with us? Take your mind off things for a while?" Evan offered when Brock hadn't responded.

"Yeah," He nodded. It'd be good to play some games for a while, forget about the upcoming trip if only for a few hours. "I'll take you up on that offer, talk to you in a bit." He said before hanging up the phone and slipping it in his back pocket. Ultimately, he decided on only two bags for his trip. That should be more than enough for what he would need for the visit with Brian. So after that was decided, he headed to his office where he recorded and edited, and booted up his console to join Evan and a few of his other friends for a much needed gaming session. A few laughs would help him unwind, and take his mind off of the one thing it was centered on.

Brian's flight had been experiencing some turbulence, and that was what he hated most about flying. However, aside from that one negative, he had taken a relatively good nap, and the plane was almost near landing. From there, he would take a connecting flight and finally be in LA, at his new apartment. The giddiness had long gone and left him, and now, he was more restless than anything. He was tired of delaying the inevitable, and he really just wanted to be there now. The Irishman was also looking forward to seeing his best friend. Brock was flying in as soon as Brian landed in LA, which was a very comforting aspect. Even though LA wasn't too unfamiliar to him, Brian was sure that Brock would help with the incoming home sickness he was soon to experience.

After all, it's not like he would be totally alone, what with Evan and a few of his other friends being there, but still, he knew that Evan and his other friends wouldn't be able to just hang out at his apartment all the time. And that brought another thought to his mind: how long would Brock be staying with him? They hadn't really hashed out terms when they planned this little trip. However, Brian didn't care, Brock could stay as long as he wanted to. After all, it had been a good while since they'd seen each other and got to spend time with each other. The Irishman sighed, he was more than ready for this.

The pilot had come across the intercom, saying the plane was about to land, and that pulled Brian out of his thoughts if only for a moment. He decided to text Brock and let him know that he was about to be on the connecting flight soon. _First flight's about to land, one more trip until LA!_ A small grin rested on his face as he sent the text to the older man. There was something about Brock that always brought a smile to Brian's face; the older man was something else, that was for damn sure. A few moments later, as he was getting off the plane, his phone had buzzed in his pocket, signaling a text back from Brock. _Hope you had a good flight, can't wait to see you. (:_ Brian rolled his eyes at the smiley face; that was typical Brock right there.

He decided to grab some food before boarding his next flight, because he was starving. And soon after that, he was seated on the flight to LA, fully rested, and with a full belly. Now he just needed to find something to do for the next few hours so he wouldn't die of boredom. His fingers worked away on his phone, continuously texting Brock. _Brocky, I'm bored, entertain me. :(_ He rolled his eyes at himself for that one. A few moments later his phone buzzed with Brock's response, _Hang on, I'll send you fanfics._ Brian snorted with laughter at that one. The older man was funny, there was no doubting that.

"Brock, what the fuck!" It was Marcel's voice that brought Moo back to reality. "You let me go down!"

"I'm sorry!" Brock apologized quickly before putting his phone down.

"Is everything alright Brock?" Nogla inquired. "Ya seem a bit preoccupied."

"I was texting..." The older man explained, before a slow blush surfaced on his face. "It won't happen again." He said as their game of zombies restarted. But he couldn't help himself; talking to Brian was something he loved to do. "If it makes you guys feel any better, it was just Brian." He laughed a bit, and so did the rest of the guys.

"That's even worse!" Marcel argued. "You let us die to talk to that fucker!" He laughed.

"Is he in LA yet?" Evan asked.

"Almost," Brock answered. "He just got on his connecting flight."

Nogla chuckled, "Even when he's not playing with us he still makes us die." He managed to get out, and they all had to give a laugh at that. "Tell him you're busy." He insisted as they began shooting the zombies. Brock knew that he'd get to see the younger man soon enough, so for now, he focused on the game currently in progress.


	4. when you look like that

After a few short hours, Brian's flight has finally made its way to LA. Excitement pulsed through his veins as he exited the plane with his carry on luggage, and maneuvered his way through the crowded airport. Once he was finally free from the swarm of people, he managed to get a cab just outside the airport, and was on his way to his new apartment. Inside the cab, he breathed a sigh of relief, just finally glad he had made it here. His head throbbed if only slightly, but he had to guess it was because of flying. Pulling his phone out of his back pocket, he sent Brock a quick text to let the man know he had finally arrived. _Just got into LA, see you soon!_

Brian had missed California dearly, and he had to admit, it felt good to be back. However, he definitely did not miss the awful city traffic. At this rate, it would take him ages to finally get to his apartment. Of course, now that he was here, he wasn't really in a rush, it was just a slight nuisance that he would have to wait even longer to get to his place. So, to kill some much needed time, he dabbled around on twitter for a bit, hoping it would keep him slightly occupied for the time being. He would be at his apartment soon, and he was glad.

Meanwhile, Brock was cooking dinner when his phone buzzed somewhere on the kitchen counter. He tended to the items on the stove before heading over to check it. He figured it would be Brian, because it seemed as of lately, that was the only person who was blowing up his phone. And his guess was right as he saw the man's name at the top of the screen. He read the text and grinned if only for a second before thumbing back a quick reply. _Let me know if you need anything before I catch my flight later._ The older man wasn't messing around; when he told Brian he would be there as soon as he got into LA, he wasn't kidding. He had an overnight flight to catch, and that was the only thing keeping him and the Irishman apart for the moment.

When Brian finally got to his apartment, he was relieved. Although, he didn't know what he was going to do in an empty apartment, because the rest of his stuff and his furniture wouldn't arrive for at least two more days. He had brought his laptop, some clothes, and a blow up bed so he wouldn't be stuck sleeping on the floor, but until Brock got here later that night, he wouldn't have much to do. However, he was content with just relishing in the happiness that came from the new apartment. It was small, but it wasn't as small as the other one he lived in. The living room and kitchen were a pretty good size, as well as a bathroom downstairs, and upstairs there were two bedrooms, and another bathroom as well. He had so much space, he didn't know what to do with it.

But in all honesty, Brian would rather have too much space than a lack of space; he had too much stuff he had to find a place for. To occupy his time, he took to twitter to post that he had made it to LA safely so his friends, and his fans would know that he's okay. He got a few smartass replies from Nogla and Marcel, but nevertheless, he was still happy. Things would be different, yet the same too, and the Irishman couldn't anticipate all of the fun times and memories he was bound to create here.

Later that night, Brock had cleaned his home, showered, and prepared for his flight to LA. He and Brian had been texting on and off all day, Brian letting Brock know just how bored he was, which was pretty typical of him in a way. Double checking to make sure he had everything, Brock then headed to the airport with his carry on luggage and phone. A nervous excitement lingered in his belly, because he knew he'd be getting to see Brian soon. It wasn't a long ride to the airport, and he was there before he knew it. Once he was on the plane, he sent a text to Brian, letting him know that he'd see him soon.

Brock didn't particularly like flying, but he didn't hate it either. He just grew a bit restless sometimes during longer flights. Luckily for him though, this flight was only a few hours long, because he didn't live too far from LA. He played on his phone, listened to music, and texted Brian occasionally to keep him informed on his journey. The older man had to keep reminding himself that he would be reunited with Brian soon, and he'd be able to see him again after all the time they had spent apart. That was what he was looking forward to the most.

Brian was trying to make the empty apartment at least somewhat presentable for his oncoming company, however, there wasn't much he could do with merely a blow up bed and a laptop. But he made do with what he had, blew up the air bed in the living room, and waited pretty impatiently for his friend's flight. In the meantime, he had managed to order a few pizzas so he and Brock wouldn't go hungry through the night, and played on his phone. He had a bad habit of doing that when he was waiting for something or someone, however, it did help occupy the time, because he had soon received a text from Brock saying that his plane was about to land.

The Irishman had agreed to meet him at the airport, so he headed back into the LA traffic in a cab to get to the airport. He hoped he would arrive before Brock's plane had touched down, but by the looks of it, and by the looks of the traffic, he wouldn't get there as soon as he'd like to. He sent Brock a quick text, _might not get there as soon as you land, the traffic is pretty bad, but I'll be there as soon as I can._ It was a simple explanation, and Brock was just getting off the plane when he felt his phone buzzing in his hand. He read through Brian's text quickly, and thumbed a short reply, _I'll be waiting._ And with that, he found a place to sit, and tried to collect himself and his thoughts before Brian arrived.

He was finally here in LA, and Brian would be here soon, and suddenly... Brock couldn't control the erratic beating of his heart, or his sweating palms. The nerves hit him like a ton of bricks, and he knew it was only because of his imminent feelings for the younger man. He knew he shouldn't be nervous, he knew it was _just_ Brian, but still... That man did something to Brock that no one else had ever done before. Brock took deep breaths and tried to remember Evan's words as he sat there in that busy airport, and he hoped and prayed that the nerves would go away soon. Sure, he and Brian hadn't seen each other in a while, but they were best friends for god's sake, the connection would and always would be there.

When the cab pulled up in front of the airport, Brian hesitated before getting out. He didn't know why, but there was a weird feeling in his gut. Nervousness? Excitement? A mere combination of the two? He didn't know, so he pushed it away, and headed inside to see the man he'd been so anxiously waiting for. _I'm here, where are you?_ He text, crystal blue eyes searching for the shorter man. He wished the airport wasn't so damn crowded. His phone buzzed in his back pocket, and he pulled it out, knowing it was Brock. "Hello?" He answered.

"You're here?" Brock asked.

"Just walked through the doors, where are you?" The Irishman inquired still searching.

"I'm sitting by the airport cafeteria." Brock answered, and Brian immediately turned in that direction, eyes still scanning for the older man. "I'm wearing one of your shirts if that helps," He added with a small chuckle, and Brian could feel his heartbeat falter if only for a moment. And finally, he found him, and indeed, he was wearing one of Brian's shirts. The Irishman began maneuvering through the crowd of airport people to make his way to Brock. It seemed as though there were a million steps between he and his best friend, until finally, he was standing right in front of him, grin etched on his pretty face.

"Brocky!" The younger man had exclaimed, and Brock stood up, smiling as he pulled Brian in for a much needed hug. He had missed his clear blue eyes, his white crooked smile, and that damn hair that seemed to be sticking every which way. He tightened his strong arms around the taller man, feeling him, inhaling him until he had had enough. "It's good to see you again," Brian said when they had separated from one another.

"Likewise," Brock retorted.

They began to walk, Brock dragging his luggage behind them. "Well, you look good." Brian interrupted the short silence that was carried between them as they walked. "How long has it been? Since we've last seen each other?" He continued to ask as they walked, looking over to the shorter man. But he already knew the answer to that question, too long, it had been too long since the last time they had seen each other.

Brock wracked his mind to make it look like he hadn't been counting the days since they'd separated, "Uh... Four months I think?" He answered with a raised eyebrow. "And you look good too." He tried to say without blushing, but failed miserably.

"I always look good, what are you talking about?" Brian joked as they finally made it outside and into the cab.

"I think your hair says otherwise." Brock laughed.

"You of all people should know that hair jokes are off limits with me." The younger man warned as the cab took off in the LA traffic. And just like that, the nerves were gone just as fast as they had come, and Brock felt natural. Evan had been right this whole time, it was just Brian, what did he ever have to worry about it the first place? They were going to have a good time together, feelings for each other, or no feelings for each other put aside in the process... Or at least that's what Brock had hoped for.


	5. we're two halves of one heart

"So I got you something." Brian broke the small moment of silence between he and Brock.

"Yeah?" Brock inquired, looking over at the younger man. He still couldn't quite wrap his mind around the fact that he was actually here in LA with Brian. It didn't feel real, but he knew each time that he looked over at the Irishman and saw that gorgeous smile of his, it had to be real. His dreams never did his smile justice, it was the most immaculate in person. So he ignored the hammering of his heart, the churning in his gut, and accepted the fact that he was really here, spending time with the best friend he had grown to know and love.

They sat in the empty apartment on the floor, chowing down on the pepperoni pizza that Brian had purchased earlier in the day as he prepared for the older man's arrival. The ride back to the apartment in the cab had consisted of small talk, banter, and just overall catching up to each other. It felt good to just be able to talk to one another in person again. Both of the men were relieved that they had seemed to be able to pick up right exactly where they had left off. It was not awkward, or confusing, everything was as it should be between them.

And then they arrived to the empty apartment, only the blow up bed and the miscellaneous luggage thrown about, and settled in to eat pizza and relax. No doubt both of them were really jet lagged from the day's events. Who wouldn't be? The only reason Brian was still awake was because he was able to take a much needed nap on the plane during his long first flight. But neither of them wanting to sleep right now. They were too excited to see each other; too excited to be reunited again. So the tiredness would ensue, until both of them were ready to submit to it.

"It's not much." Brian quickly added with a small shrug, "But I think you'll like it." The Irishman concluded as he stood up from the floor and walked over to his suitcase that was pushed up against the wall. He dug through all the random items before he found what he was really looking for. "Here they are." He mumbled as he plucked the item from the bag and walked over to Brock's place on the floor. He sat down beside the older man on the carpeted floor, hiding the item behind his back.

"What is it?" Brock inquired.

"Close your eyes." Brian teased.

"Don't be an ass." He managed to smile as he found the younger man's eyes.

A laugh rang throughout the empty, echoing apartment air. "I'm serious Brock, close your eyes." Brian deadpanned and Brock finally obliged. He held out his hands and waited patiently for the younger man to give him his gift or whatever the hell it was. When he finally felt something, some kind of plastic wrapping touching his calloused hands, he opened his eyes when the Irishman had told him to. His dark orbs landed on a small bag of Irish candies.

"Brian," The older man grinned.

"Something from home." The younger man smiled. "They're my favorite, and I thought you might like them too."

"Thanks." Brock replied, "And I got you a present too." He added with a sheepish sort of smile etched on his face. He didn't wait for Brian to reply, he merely stood up and headed over to his suitcase that was on the opposite wall. He hadn't anticipated gifts, but Brock had found this little present long ago, and had just been hoarding it up for the right moment. And he felt like this was it. He dug through the suitcase until he found it, and walked back over to Brian, reciprocated the younger man's actions. "Close your eyes, Brian." He managed to get out through a small bout of laughter.

Brian obliged, and his crystal blue eyes closed immediately. He held out his hands and waited for Brock to place the item in them. When he opened them, he felt his heart swell with a sort of emotion that he hadn't ever felt before. Well, he had only ever felt it before when he was with Brock, and he usually ignored it. It was a small Terminator figurine/action figure type thing, and he was incredibly happy to see it. "Thank you so much Brock." The younger man had managed to get out as he looked over to him. He had the faintest of blushes on his face, and Brian couldn't help but to notice how flustered he looked. "I'll have to put it with the other stuff you got me when it gets here." Brian added.

"I found it awhile ago, and just never gave it to you." Brock shrugged. "But I'm glad you like it."

"Of course I like it." Brian grinned. The rest of the night continued on with them finishing off the pizza. They caught up with each other some more, until they decided to play some games on Brian's lone laptop that he brought. He was glad that they were able to keep himself occupied in the empty place. It wouldn't be for a few more days that his furniture would get here, but tomorrow was a new day, Brian and Brock would be able to go around LA, see the sights, and do some other fun things together. Brian wanted to make Brock's time here in LA worth while, and he swore that he would. At least until all of his stuff got to the new apartment so they wouldn't be bored all the time.

The two boys played games until they were yawning so much, tears were coming from their eyes. Brock couldn't contain his laughter as he and Brian yawned back and forth. "Stop!" He barely managed to get out. "My stomach hurts!" He yelled as another yawn traveled through his body. He wiped his dark eyes and they found Brian who was merely sitting with a crooked smile on his face.

"Time for bed?" He chuckled.

Brock nodded, "You read my mind."

Brian stood up, "I... Uh, hope you don't mind sharing." He got out as he rubbed the back of his neck a bit uncomfortably. He only had one air mattress, and he didn't want he or Brock to be stuck sleeping on the floor. Of course, they were close, they had been best friends for a really long time, so hopefully the older man wouldn't mind sharing a bed with him. "Unless you want the floor, but it's pretty uncomfortable so I wouldn't..." He rambled, unable to make his eyes meet Brock who was now standing in front of him.

The older man could feel his face begin to heat up, but he quickly was able to stop it before Brian noticed. "No, that's alright."

"You sure?" Brian asked.

"Yeah." He then watched as Brian moved the air bed to the middle of the living room floor, and began to make it, spreading sheets and blankets about. He chucked a pillow at Brock's head, but luckily the older man caught it. Blankets were shared and soon enough both of them were content and laying beside each other on the mattress. It wasn't too big, so they didn't have much room between each other, but if both of them were being honest with themselves, they didn't mind. They laid on their backs, staring up at the white ceiling, words not necessary, but the silence in this moment was deafening. Brock spoke, "You know you're gonna have to give me a tour of this place, right?" He smiled before turning his head slightly and looking at Brian.

His eyes were too blue, too true, and Brock had to look away just as soon as he made eye contact with the Irishman. Electricity pulsed through his veins, and he realized the entirety of the situation. _He was sharing a bed with Brian._ The man was literally right next to him, and he didn't know why, but the concept had seemed unreachable to him; maybe it was because of the fact that he never envisioned it happening. And even if it was just platonically, he didn't care, he would take whatever he could get.

"Yeah, I know." He replied. "Lucky for you, I'm a damn good tour guide."

Brock laughed, "I'm sure you are."

"Goodnight Brocky."

"Night Brian." He sighed, before turning over and attempting to sleep. It wasn't particularly late, but he was tired, however, sleep was oh most definitely not coming tonight. And maybe it was the fact that the man he was in love with was laying right next to him. He could feel the warmth of his body, hear his gentle breaths with the occasional snore or two. Right there, Brock concluded that he was happy. It didn't matter if he was with Brian or not. They were together, they were spending time with each other, and that was all that mattered, right? However, he knew as long as he was in love with him, it would never be enough. Being just friends, would never be enough. The hunger for more would always be there, lingering inside of him, but he knew that Brian didn't want him in the same way that he did.


	6. but i plant my feet

When morning finally made itself present, Brian was the first one to wake up. He stretched his stiff muscles, letting his newly opened crystal blue eyes adjust to the protruding sunlight. It was practically blinding since he hadn't had a chance to hang up curtains in the apartment yet. He rubbed the sleep from them and sat up gently, careful not to stir the sleeping log of a man next to him. The airbed hadn't been as comfortable as he first thought and because of that, his back and neck were pretty sore. He couldn't wait until his damn furniture finally got here so he wouldn't feel so uncomfortable and out of place as he did.

A light snore brought the Irishman out of his thoughts immediately, and a smile instantly surfaced on his face. That's right, Brock was in LA with him after all, and because of that, he didn't feel so alone in his empty apartment. It felt closer to home with Brock here with him, and he was thankful for that. The older man was still fast asleep, soft snores emerging from his lips every now and again, and Brian couldn't help but to stifle a chuckle. Who knew Brock sounded so cute while he snored? His head was buried in the pillow, eyes pressed shut, and his lips slightly parted.

The younger man sighed as he observed Brock. Was it weird to be watching him like this? Did _friends_ watch each other sleep? Brian pushed that thought out of his head immediately. Sure, he had a bit of an inclination that Brock was interested in him in a more than a friend way, but he chose to ignore it. They were close friends, that was it. And whatever feelings that Brian reciprocated towards the older man, he often swallowed them down, didn't let them surface, and he knew deep down it was better off that way. He and Brock would stay close friends, and that was it. He didn't want to mess things up by doing something stupid, and he was so sure that Brock knew that as well. Didn't he? Only time would tell, so Brian chose to leave it at that for now. Plus, he couldn't have feelings for Brock, couldn't let himself succumb to that, not when things were already going so well for him.

Brock still looked so tired even thought they had slept all night. The flight to LA really must have drained him, but of course it would have. He wasn't used to traveling like that, like Brian was. The Irishman decided right then and there that he would let Brock sleep for as long as he needed to, so he pulled out his phone to find something to distract himself while his friend slept. He had a few texts from the guys, one from Evan asking him if he and Brock wanted to have dinner tonight. Of course he wouldn't decline the asian man's offer, so he gladly accepted. After that, he messed around on twitter, until a voice stopped him from his activities. "Good morning." Brock's voice was groggy, his throat a little scratchy when he woke. "Have you been awake long?" He asked a little apologetically as he too, sat up and stretched his muscles, rubbing the sleep from his dark eyes.

"No." Brian shook his head. "I just wanted to let you sleep, you looked tired." He explained.

"Thank you." Brock replied, smiling slightly. "Nice bedhead by the way."

The younger man rolled his eyes, "Shut up."

"No really, it's-"

"Brock." Brian turned giving him a look. "What's with you and the hair jokes? Geez," He trailed off with a grin.

"I can't help it, I like messing with you." He shrugged, smiling. "So...? What's on the agenda today?" Brock inquired, looking over at his best friend with curious eyes. It was his first day in LA with Brian, and he wanted to make it memorable. They definitely had to get out of this empty apartment and do something fun before Brian's stuff came and they'd be busy unpacking and moving furniture together. Not that Brock minded doing that, he just wanted to make some other memories with Brian as well, spend time with him in a different setting.

"Well..." Brian drawled. "Breakfast, sightseeing of course, maybe the beach, and then we've got dinner with Evan." He explained, rambling on about all the different places he and Brock could go. Sightseeing was a must, there was so much stuff in LA, it was always hard to catch it all in one go. And the beach was the perfect plan and idea for the two to pass the time until it was time to go meet Evan. Hell, Brian didn't want Brock to spend all of his time in the empty apartment dying of boredom. He wanted Brock to have fun in LA, wanted the man to experience different stuff, and what better way to do that than the beach?

Brock nodded, "Sounds good. We should get the day started then, yeah?"

"After you." Brian gestured. So after the two got cleaned up and dressed and prepared for the day, they headed to some small café for breakfast. From there they headed to a store to pick up some essentials needed for the beach. Things like towels and swimming trunks and sunscreen. "Gotta protect that Irish skin, eh?" Brian joked, nudging the older man with his elbow.

"I burn easily too." Brock shared nonchalantly as he and the younger man began their way to the beach. It was a hot day in LA, not a cloud in the sky, the sun pestering down on the city with fever. It seemed as if it was the perfect day for beaches. And the ride there didn't take long, both of the men keeping themselves occupied with small talk and banter. It seemed as though these small conversations with Brock would never get old, and Brian was glad for that. He was glad he and Brock were able to keep going, switching from one topic to another with ease. Maybe just maybe, that's why they were best friends in the first place. The older man was already enjoying his time in LA, and it was only the second day.

When they arrived to the beach, they changed in the nearby restrooms and applied a generous amount of sunscreen to their bodies. "Race you to the water!" Brian yelled and he took off running with Brock not far behind him. The sand was hot on their toes, but it was soon relieved when they touched the wet shore. "I win!" The Irishman gloated as he turned around to smirk at Brock.

"You got lucky." Brock rolled his eyes as he pushed the taller man into the water. Even if Brian was faster than him, he was still stronger, and he was going to keep it that way. The younger man came out of the water gasping for breath and the only thing Brock could do was smile at him. He couldn't keep his eyes off his best friend while they were in the water. However, it was a cool distraction from the LA heat, but he was distracted by him in other ways as well. He could tell Brian had been working out since their time away from each other. He didn't say anything about it though, because he knew it would only make things awkward between them. Of course he was attracted to him, that was a given, and all these thoughts only made his prominent feelings for the Irishman come to the front of his mind. So he merely kept his mouth shut and waded to the shore with Brian following close behind him.

They settled in the sand, their feet barely touching the incoming waves, "You haven't been to LA that much, have you?" Brian inquired.

The older man shook his head, "Only for a few conventions. I try not to come here if I don't need to." He explained. It's not that he didn't like what LA had to offer, it was just that the city was not for him. It wasn't something that he was used to, so he'd rather not come out of his comfort zone if need be. But for Brian, he'd come to LA a million times if the man asked him to. He assumed that was only because of his feelings for the younger man, or maybe it was the fact that they were best friends, and that's just what best friends did for each other. He knew that Brian would do the same for him as well if he asked.

"Did you not want to come?"

"I'm here, aren't I?" He retorted, looking over. "For you... And I'm glad you invited me. Today has been a lot of fun." He admitted.

Brian sighed, tilting his head back, absorbing the sun. "At least we're only a state away from each other now, and not an ocean."

His skin glittered from the water and the sunlight, "Hey Brian?" Brock asked, letting the words tumble out of his mouth before he could even register what he was saying. _Not now,_ he mentally scolded himself. _You can't confess now._ Brian turned to look at him, a questioning look in his eyes as if he knew what Brock was going to say already. The older man sighed, and wracked his brain for something to say, anything but the words he'd been dreading for quite some time now. "We should get ready for dinner, don't you think?" His face fell, and he knew right then and there that he wasn't going to be able to confess during this trip. It was too much, and he didn't want to face the rejection that was bound to come. He didn't want to ruin their friendship.

Brian frowned, finding his phone to look at the time, "I guess you're right... Let's go then."


	7. and i clench my teeth

Evan had been waiting at the restaurant with Syndicate, anticipating Brian and Brock's arrival. He had decided to bring Tom along at the last minute, because he honestly didn't want to be a third wheel between his visiting friends. Not that he minded, he just knew that with Tom, things would be less awkward, and Brock would be thanking him for that in the long run. Plus, who didn't like going out for dinner and a few drinks? Tonight would be a good night, he was sure of it, and maybe just maybe, he'd be able to talk some sense into Brock about finally confessing his feelings.

Brian and Brock's cab was just around the corner, but the LA traffic was at its peak again, typical for a friday night. It was warm out still, the air moist with humidity, and the two boys chattered away in the backseat. Brock however, couldn't stop thinking about how he almost let his feelings spill out at the beach earlier. God, he wanted to tell him so bad, he just wanted to get it off his chest, be done and over with it, but he knew he could never. He was too shy, too nervous, too anxious; his guts would wind and wind and wind until he felt like he was going to be sick... And only Brian did that to him.

"Something on your mind, Brocky?" There it was, that damn tone of voice and cheeky fucking smile.

Brock swallowed the growing lump in his throat, "Just thinking about the food." He lied, giving a small nonchalant grin.

"God, I know, I'm starving." Brian replied, hand instinctively going to his stomach as if to prove his point.

The older man sighed, and his gaze averted to the window. Why did he do this to himself? He knew it would be like this when he got here, he knew it would be like this when he spent time with Brian... So why did he let him bring him down so much? Internally, he was thinking that Brian would have to catch on sooner or later, but in all actuality, he knew the Irishman was quite oblivious to most things. This particular thing wouldn't be any different. "Are you sure nothing's wrong?" He asked once more. Okay, so maybe he was catching on, or maybe, Brian was just trying to be a good _friend._

"Bri, I'm fine, really." Brock insisted.

After sitting in traffic for another ten minutes, the two boys just decided to walk the rest of the way to the restaurant. It was only right around the corner, and Brian didn't want Evan to wait for he and Brock any longer. Hell, he had already received a few texts from the asian man. So they walked beside each other, content in the moonlight, until the restaurant came into view. The younger man opened the door, allowing Brock to head inside first, and they immediately saw Evan and Tom at a small table in the corner. "Sorry we're late." He apologized as they took their seats. "Traffic really is a bitch."

"Yeah well," Evan grinned. "That's something you gotta get used to since you live in LA now."

Brian chuckled, "Looks like I won't be leaving the house much then." He glanced up at Vanoss on the other side of the table. "You didn't tell me you were bringing Tom." He added, "No offense Tom, you know I love you." It had been a while since he'd seen the small man, so it would be good to catch up with him. Hell, Brian had almost forgotten that he lived in LA.

"I figured he'd want to hang out." Evan shrugged, picking up the menu and letting his eyes scan it. Now that Brian and Brock were here, they'd be able to finally order their food. Tom didn't know Brock and Brian's situation; Evan was a good friend, and he wasn't going to let Brock's secrets out there like that. He merely kept Syndicate on a need to know basis, and the only thing that he knew was that the two men had a thing for each other, a thing that both of them were completely oblivious to. And Tom had promised not to say anything or make things awkward at dinner, and Evan was thankful for that. "How have you been, Brock?" The asian asked, dark eyes going across the table once more. It had also been long time since those two had seen each other in person.

"I've been okay." Brock answered honestly, "It's really good to see you guys again."

"Yeah Moo, I've noticed you don't get out to LA as much as you should." Tom chimed in.

Brock shrugged, "I'm just here to help Brian move."

Brian rolled his eyes, "Give yourself some credit Brocky, geez." At the mention of that nickname, Evan had to stifle whatever was about to come up his throat. _Brocky? Really?_ He had no idea that Brian called the older man that outside of the videos they made together. "Brock is my best friend, he's not just helping me move in, we haven't seen each other in while... A visit was a must." Brian continued as Vanoss and Syndicate watched him speak. They ordered their food after that, small talking about life, youtube, and future projects. It was nice to catch up to one another. And Brock was thankful that it wasn't awkward between them, and he was glad that Vanoss wasn't hinting at anything or trying to play matchmaker with Tom.

"Alright, who wants a drink?" Tom offered, standing up from the table. "Everyone? Good, Brian come help me get the drinks." He said and began to walk away from the table. Brian stood up, following the smaller man, hoping that when they came back to the table, their food would be there. The restaurant was busy, but again, that was typical for a friday night. But a drink sounded like a god send right now, and after a long day like today, he definitely needed one. It would help him relax, unwind... And maybe just maybe, if Brock got enough alcohol in him, he would finally admit what had been bothering him earlier. Brian was stupid, but then again, Brock wasn't a big drinker.

Back at the table, Evan was beginning to make conversation with Moo. "So, what did you guys do today?" He inquired.

"We got breakfast when we woke up, and went to the beach." He answered in reply. "It was a lot of fun." He admitted.

"He's happier when he's around you, you know that?" Evan pointed out.

"I suppose so." The older man replied, dark eyes finding Brian who was standing at the bar with Tom. He had gotten some sun at the beach today, his cheeks were slightly tinted, pink coloring them, but Brock thought he looked adorable in that way. He was talking excitedly with Syndicate, his crystal eyes sparkling in the dim light of the restaurant. A pang of something made its way through Brock's chest, zapping him in the heart almost, and he wished for the umpteenth time that'd he been in LA that he could just come out and confess to the younger man. "I almost told him today." He revealed as he turned his head to look back at Evan. "By accident, at the beach."

"Why didn't you?" Evan asked.

The older man shook his head, "It's not the right time." With that, Tom and Brian had returned to the table with a few alcoholic beverages in hand, and the waiter brought their platter of food as well. They ate, and laughed, and told jokes and overall just had a good time with each other. The company was good, the company made Brock forget for a little while that he was in love with his best friend who didn't feel the same way about him. It was all about distractions, and dinner with Tom and Vanoss was a very good one. However, he knew later tonight, when he and Brian were alone, the pain would come back and hurt worse than ever. The agony would be too real. And he wondered right then and there why he even put up with it.

When dinner was over, they ordered dessert as well, and it was getting late. All of them men, surprisingly handling their alcohol well, were getting ready to head home. Brock and Brian had been waiting for another cab, liquor on their breaths and slight slurring in their speech. Tom and Evan were just going to take Tom's car to get home, but they were waiting for the other two men to leave first, make sure they got in their cab okay. "Thanks for dinner Evan." Brian said, "And it was good seeing you again Tom." He added as they started their walk out of the restaurant door.

"You too Brian." Tom smiled. "And don't be a stranger Brock."

"I won't." Brock replied.

"See you guys later." Evan waved as he watched his two friends leave the restaurant and get into the cab. They'd be going back to Brian's apartment and hopefully going back to bed. And it was quiet between Tom and Evan as they paid the bill and shuffled into Tom's car. The parking lot of the restaurant was packed, and they knew it would be awhile before they got home. "That went well, don't you think?" Vanoss asked, attempting to make conversation. He had noticed that ever since Brian and Tom came back from the bar with the drinks, Tom looked as though he had something on his mind. Or he was just being very unusually quiet.

"Yeah," He nodded. "Thanks for inviting me." He added in response. It was quiet for a few moments before he spoke again, "Keep an eye on Brock, yeah?"

Evan let out a small laugh, "For what? Did something happen with you guys at the bar?"

A sigh, and a look that made Evan question everything all escaped from Tom. "Brian has a girlfriend."


	8. can't outrun what's coming to me

"A girlfriend?" Evan's eyebrows were scrunched together on his forehead, the look of confusion covering his face completely. Brian had never spoke of a girlfriend, hell, Evan and the guys didn't even know that he was romantically inclined towards someone. And now to be hearing this from Tom all in this moment, made his heart ache for Brock. Because if the other guys didn't know, then there was no way that Brock knew about it. He would be heartbroken for sure, when he eventually found out. Evan was in awe, shock, and he didn't know what to say, didn't know if he should intervene or not. Really, it was none of his business, but he wanted to look out for his friends.

"You guys didn't know?" Tom questioned.

"Are you sure? Evan retorted, as Tom finally pulled out of the restaurant parking lot.

The brit chuckled a bit at the sudden question, "Yes, Evan, I'm sure... He was talking about having his girlfriend come visit after Brock went home." Tom explained as he began the drive back to Evan's apartment to drop him off. "I can't believe you guys didn't know, I can't believe he told me of all people." He rambled on as he drove, the asian man still sitting in the passenger seat in shock.

"Shit... We have to tell Brock, I have to tell him." He was frantic, and he could only imagine how Brock would take the news of Brian already being in a relationship with someone else. He had had his sights set on Brian for a really long time, they had been close for a really long time. They were best friends for god's sake. Why wouldn't Brian share that kind of information with his best friend? It only made Evan more confused as he sat there in the car and tried to work out all this information in his head. Maybe it would be best if he _didn't_ try to work it out. But hell, he was so damn curious. And he really wanted to know why Brian had been keeping his relationship a secret... Maybe it was because he had feelings for Brock all along. But Evan knew he couldn't make assumptions like that, not until he knew everything.

"I wouldn't." Tom replied. "It's not your responsibility. If Brian wanted Brock to know, he would have told him already."

"I know... But Brock is my friend." He said, "I can't just watch him get his heart broke."

Tom sighed, "Evan, listen to me. The only thing you can do is be there for him after it happens." He gave good advice, and Vanoss listened intently to take the words to heart. Tom was right; it wasn't Evan's responsibility to keep his friends happy, it wasn't his responsibility to play matchmaker for them. The only thing he could do was sit back and let it all play out, let whatever the hell was going to happen take its course. And albeit, it wouldn't be pretty, he knew that it was his only option. "Do you think you can do that?" Tom asked.

He hesitated, but nodded. "You're right Tom. Thank you."

Meanwhile, Brian and Brock's cab had just arrived back at the apartment, the feeling of the alcohol they had drank at dinner still settling deep within their bones. Dinner had went well, and both of them had thought so. But now they were alone, and that daunting feeling was coming back to tease Brock with everything it had. He tried to tune it out, but it didn't work, it never worked. The Irishman fumbled with the keys in his hands, struggling to get the front door to the apartment open. Brock watched on and tried not to laugh, Brian was never that well at handling his liquor. Few words were exchanged as they managed to get inside, exhausted from the long day. Both of them were just ready for bed.

Brock helped Brian spread the sheets over the air mattress, making the bed, before they laid down beside each other, staring up at the ceiling like the night before. The only sounds were their gentle breaths, which reeked of beer, and the occasional sound of a cicada outside the cracked window. The older man rolled over, facing Brian in the dark room, studying him as he laid there. His cheeks were prominently red now, the sun staining them at the beach earlier today, and his hair was a disheveled, loving mess; falling in front of his forehead ever so slightly. He was beautiful, and if it were even possible, Brock found himself falling harder and deeper in love with him. "I had fun today." His voice was quiet as he spoke. "I usually don't get to go to the beach." The moment felt too vulnerable, too exposed as the two men laid beside each other.

Brian grinned, turning his head slightly so he could look at his best friend, "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, Brocky."

"Furniture comes tomorrow, right?" The older man inquired, dark eyes wandering, swimming, in Brian's crystal blue ones. He dreaded it; because once he helped Brian move in, that meant he would have to head home. Of course, he remembered Brian saying something about how he could stay for as long as he wanted, but still, he didn't want to wear out his welcome, best friend or not. Maybe he would just break down and ask the Irishman if he could stay longer. It seemed like a good idea in that moment, but did he really want to keep torturing himself with Brian's unreciprocated affections? Brock didn't know.

The younger man nodded, "Yeah... We'll have a lot of work to do. I really do appreciate you coming to help me." He added as he stared on at Brock. He had to admit, for a guy, _he was pretty._ Soft skin, gentle eyes, and lips that were rosy. Was he attracted to Brock? He was pretty sure that Brock was attracted to him. What did they have going on here? The Irishman asked himself that question a lot; he had to. As many times as he gotten butterflies from talking to Brock, or thought about him in a more than platonic way, he had to question the predicament of their relationship. Friends? Best friends? Potential lovers? The feelings were all there, it was just acting on those feelings that didn't happen. Sometimes he wished it would. "You mean a lot to me Brock, you know that?" Brian continued, sighing.

"It's what friends do." Brock quietly replied, feeling bittersweet about the whole ordeal. Why did he feel like this while talking to Brian? Was it because he knew that deep down they would never be anything more than friends? Or was it because of the simple fact that no matter how much he advanced on the younger man, he would never do it back? Why couldn't they just get passed all of this nonsense, all of this avoiding, and just be happy together? Brock knew better though, he knew that love was never that easy; there were always some kind of games involved, something to hinder what could never be.

He yawned, "Aren't you tired?"

"A little." The older man answered. "You?"

"Hell yeah..." Brian trailed off, "And I can't believe I got fuckin' sunburnt." He cursed.

Brock stifled a laugh, "I didn't want to say anything, but your cheeks are pretty red." He chuckled.

"I know." Brian shook his head, "I can feel it."

"Don't worry," Brock teased, "You're still cute."

The Irishman let out a laugh, turning over in the bed so that he was completely facing the older man, "Go to bed Brock." He managed to get out, before another yawn attacked him. Sleepiness consumed them, and before they knew it, both of them were drifting in and out of consciousness until finally, Brian was the first one to drift off between the two. Brock could tell he was finally asleep by his loud snores, and surprisingly, he found them quite relaxing. They made the reality that he was actually there with the man he loved even more real. But even though Brock was tired, sleep wouldn't come. He found himself thinking too much, studying the lines on the ceiling, studying the details on Brian's face, pining, reveling, and recollecting. It made his heart hurt.

An hour or so later, he was still wide awake, still tossing and turning on that tiny air bed, still questioning his future with Brian. He needed some air, because all at once he was too overwhelmed and he felt like he was going to puke. Brock threw the covers off him carefully, not wanting to wake up the sleeping Irishman beside him, and headed outside the front door. The night air in LA was cool, crisp, and he knew it was late, he knew he should be sleeping, so why wasn't he? He sat down on the front steps, resting his head on his hand, watching the late traffic go by. In just a few days, he'd be back in Utah, away from all of this, away from Brian. He couldn't believe that he had almost confessed at the beach earlier. He couldn't believe that he was _this_ close to letting his feelings out. What the hell was wrong with him?

The sound of the door opening brought Brock out of his thoughts, and he turned to face the man who was causing all of his inner turmoil. "Brian?" His voice was low in the night, and he watched with dark eyes as the younger man came to sit beside him on the step.

"I woke up and you were gone." Brian said simply, his voice thick with the little amount of sleep that he had managed to get.

"Couldn't sleep." Brock replied.

"You should have said something..." Brian trailed off. "I would have stayed up with you." Their legs were touching, and it made goosebumps arise on his sun kissed flesh. Only Brock made him feel this way, only Brock could do this to him. And he was so confused as to why he felt this way about his best friend. He looked at him with his blue eyes, and found Brock staring back at him with innocent doe orbs. In that moment, Brian wanted to kiss him, but he knew he couldn't.


	9. a glimmer of hope

They sat up all night on the front steps, talking about old times, memories, whatever popped into their mind and seemed to fit the subject matter of the moment. It didn't matter how tired they were, it didn't matter that the moving company was coming in the early morning hours either. The only thing that did matter was that they were in LA, together with each other, sharing these moments and making memories. And after Brian had suppressed the urge to kiss Brock, sadness filled him for the rest of the night. Regret was a feeling that he didn't feel often, but he felt it a lot when he was with Brock in moments like this.

He didn't know why he had wanted to kiss him either. Or did he? Maybe it was the way he looked in the moonlight, maybe it was the way he was breathing softly through his wet, parted lips. Or maybe it was the simplicity of them just being alone together under the stars. It was the perfect setting, after all, but Brian still couldn't bring himself to do it. He couldn't make himself kiss Brock, because he knew it would mess everything he had going for himself up. They were friends, that was it. Nothing more, nothing less, and they could never be anything more. It was too complicated. He wished he could just accept his feelings for Brock and live a happy ever after, but things in life like that never happened.

He was a horrible person, he concluded, leading Brock on like this when he already had _someone_ he was invested in. But he couldn't help it; Brock was Brock. Beautiful in every single way possible, appealing. But he knew they could never be what he wanted them to be. It would change things forever. But with the way that Brock looked at him with such softness in his doe eyes, it was completely apparent he wanted the same thing. It made Brian's heart ache to know that he could never make the older man happy in that way. What was he doing? Did it make him a bad person to keep Brock around? He honestly didn't know.

It was around four in the morning when they decided to head indoors. "It's late." Brock's tired voice infiltrated the humid night air and hung there for a while, breaking the peaceful silence between them. He had sleep in his eyes and his heart clearly imminent on his sleeve. He was tired to say the least, and Brian led him inside to the tiny blow up bed still in the middle of the living room. Tomorrow would be different, tomorrow he'd be sleeping in a bed, in his bedroom, and he didn't know if Brock would be with him tomorrow night.

"Brock?" He spoke quietly.

"Hm?"

He hesitated before he finally got out what he wanted to say, or at least what he was trying to say. "You're my best friend, okay?" It was odd, hearing it said aloud. Both of them knew that, both of them knew of their friendship status, so why was Brian saying these things? Brock was curious if he was being completely honest with himself. But maybe it was just the night talking; that had to be it. It had to be the tiredness seeping through his pores. He was just talking just to be talking. But the older man listened nonetheless, hell, he would listen to every single word Brian had to say, hanging on to every single last syllable regardless of the message.

"Yeah, I know." He answered with a small chuckle. They crawled into bed together, Brock still confused as to what Brian was getting at, however they had been in and out of deep conversations all night, so this small sentence from him was no surprise. They got comfy in the bed, sharing the blankets and finding the right spot to lay in. The older man could barely keep his eyes open, he was so tired. He blinked them slowly, letting them droop as he continued to listen to his best friend's words.

Brian smiled, a small one, but it was noticeable. "Just whatever happens, I want you to the remember that, okay?" He inquired, looking at the older man through half lidded eyes. He wasn't trying to make excuses for his behavior, or avoid it... Deep down, he just wanted Brock to really know.

Brock laughed, the seriousness too much for him in this moment. "Jesus Brian, you're not dying, are you?" He let the chuckle slip through.

Brian scoffed, tears brimming his eyes as he tried his hardest to stifle a yawn that he'd been holding in for quite some time. "No," He got out through small bouts of soft laughter. "I'm not dying..." He trailed off. "I just want you to know that you're my best friend." He continued, turning over in the very small bed. He had to admit to himself, these few days in LA with Brock had been an amazing experience. He had grown closer to him, and despite all the lingering and overlapping feelings, he actually felt happy. He was grateful for this time with the older man.

"Okay." Brock nodded, finally not being able to keep his eyes open any longer. "I'm gonna go to sleep now." He managed to mumble out, a sigh escaping through his nose and he could practically feel Brian smiling beside him, he knew him that well. "Goodnight Bri." He yawned. They slept next to each other and Brock wanted to touch him; wanted to reach out and wrap his limbs around the Irishman's slender body and squeeze him tight. He wanted to breathe him in like his only source of oxygen. But, he knew he couldn't, and he knew he would probably never get to. So he went to sleep with the longing of those feelings in his heart, the gentle sounds of Brian's breath lulling him to sleep, and the rising and falling of his chest almost hypnotizing him.

The two didn't get to sleep long, because just as Brian had predicted, the moving company was knocking at the apartment door bright and early. He scrambled from the bed, jostling Brock in the process, but not waking him. Quickly, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and tried to smooth down his bed hair before answering the door. They were here to drop off his furniture and the rest of his personal belongings, and it would be his and Brock's job to get everything situated around the apartment. The Irishman signed for his stuff, and waited patiently as the movers brought it inside. Couches, beds, tables and desks filled the tiny living room space, as well as boxes packed full of Brian's miscellaneous stuff.

They were almost finished when Brock began to stir from his slumber. "Morning." Brian greeted as the older man sat up in the bed.

He stretched his stiff muscles before turning to Brian, "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Relax." Brian shrugged it off, "I haven't done anything yet, they're just bringing my stuff in." Once all the furniture was moved inside, that's when Brian and Brock got to work. They began putting all the movables in the correct rooms, and putting away the younger man's belongings. It was a challenge to get the bed and dressers and desks upstairs, but the two were able to do it. They stopped often, taking breaks for refreshments or just to catch their breath. But so far, the apartment was coming along nicely, and it was starting to feel more like a home since it was no longer empty. "No more sleeping on the air bed." Brian grinned as he collapsed on his mattress after it had been moved upstairs.

Brock laughed and collapsed too, laying beside him in what seemed to look like a bed for a giant compared to the tiny air mattress. They were almost done with the renovations, and the day was nearly coming to a close right before their eyes. "You have a lot of stuff." He commented.

"Not by choice." The Irishman replied. "This apartment is huge compared to my old one. I had to get some stuff to take up the empty space."

"True." Brock replied.

"I have an idea." The younger man stated, before rolling over and propping himself up on his elbow so he could look at Brock. The older man nodded, as if giving him the signal to continue. "How about we call it a night, and go to the store. I'll cook dinner and we can just relax for the rest of the night." He suggested, knowing that they were too tired to go out and do stuff in the busy LA city. Dinner and staying home sounded very enticing.

"You can cook?" Brock questioned, a grin blessing his face.

"Uh, somewhat." Brian replied with a chortle.

"Alright." The older man agreed. "Dinner, and I've been dying to kick your ass at some fifa." He said as he sat up with a beam of pure lightheartedness stretched across his pretty face. He was thankful that he wasn't going back to Utah tonight, hell, the thought of him going home at all seemed to be all forgotten in their moment of spontaneous plans. They got dressed immediately, and headed to the nearest store, ready to begin the night's imminent adventure.


	10. and we try staying up late

By the time Brian and Brock had finished their grocery shopping, they had a cart full of miscellaneous items of food. But they weren't shopping for anything particular, so it was okay. As long as they got food, that was all that mattered in their little trip. It was nearing nighttime, and the two were eager to get back to the apartment to start their night of rest and relaxation. The day's events of moving were beginning to take a toll on their bodies, and tiredness was beginning to surface if only slightly. As they stood in the line to check out, Brock gave a once over of all the stuff they bought in the cart, and let a chuckle seep through his plump lips. Brian gave a crooked smile and turned to look at his best friend, "What the fuck is so funny?" He inquired, raising a dark brow.

Brock shrugged, "I'm just wondering what in the world you're going to make for dinner with all this stuff." There were a lot of random items, no two things went together to make a fit meal, but hell, that was Brian. He wasn't organized, he wasn't a planner, and well, he probably couldn't even cook very well. But Brock didn't care, he just liked messing with the younger man to get him all riled up; it was kind of their thing, and it usually worked.

"We'll wing it." Brian said simply, smile never leaving his face.

The older man laughed again, "Oh god."

After checking out at the store, the two loaded their groceries into the cab, and headed home. Traffic surprisingly wasn't too bad, and they were able to get home rather quickly, which was good because both of them were hungry and tired. Once home, they packed in their items of food, and stored them away in the kitchen. Brock watched with careful eyes as he sat at the new kitchen table, studying the Irishman's movements around the small kitchen as he prepared to cook. He grabbed items out of the fridge, cabinets, and began his work on their much anticipated dinner. "You see this Brocky?" He questioned, turning to look at the other man. "This is how a pro cooks dinner." He joked as he continued his work.

"It's boiling over." Brock replied plainly, pointing at the stove.

"Fuck!" Brian cursed, spinning around to tend to the stove while Brock held in his laughter.

"A true professional." He joked as he rested his head on his hands, leaning on the table. Ever since then, Brian focused his full attention on the food, being careful not to burn it or let it boil over, again. And Brock just watched him, finding the whole ordeal rather entertaining if he had to admit it to himself. Brian truly was something else, a magnificent mess, and maybe that's why Brock enjoyed him so much in the first place. He was so comfortable in being himself, he let his nerdiness shine through, and the older man thoroughly appreciated the geniality of his best friend. "It does smell pretty good though." He commented, letting his dark eyes drift over Brian's body. Sure he was attractive, but he looked even better like this; tired with his hair messed up, barefoot and silly. It truly was something else, and Brock could only shake his head in what was perpetual sadness.

When the food was finished, the two sat at the new kitchen table and ate with each other in the moment. It was nice, just the two of them, enjoying small conversation and jokes. Brock was skeptical about the Irishman's cooking at first, but nevertheless he gave it a shot. If he was being honest with himself, it wasn't the best, but it was the fact that Brian attempted to cook him dinner that absolutely warmed his heart. Internally he had such a gentleness about him that Brock seemed to adore. And once dinner was finished, they helped each other with the dishes and made sure the kitchen was clean before moving onto their next activity. Brock couldn't even help but to gush at the fact that they were so _domestic;_ it hurt his brain to even think about it.

They hooked up the consoles in the living room on Brian's new television, and settled on the small couch with controllers in hand. This is what Brock had looked forward to most in coming to see Brian in LA; them playing video games together, because hell, there was no awkwardness, no weird feelings, and it was what they did best. Laughter and Brian's screams filled the tiny space of the living room until the early morning hours, and despite the fact that they were hella tired from moving furniture all day, they stayed up anyway, enjoying the company of each other, just playing for the sake of playing together, not worrying about making a video. And unlike all the other games that Brian invested his time in, he actually was pretty good at fifa. Brock had to fight hard to keep the game close, but Brian still prevailed and won.

"Still undefeated." The Irishman teased.

"Just shut up and restart the game." Brock replied, pushing Brian over slightly, making him lean over. They played until the younger man had managed to win a few more times, and by then, it was incredibly late. Brock couldn't stop his yawns from coming, and soon Brian was doing the same. The night had proved to go well to say the least. "I'm beat," The older man managed to get out, setting his controller aside.

Brian smiled, "That makes two of us, then."

"Where am I sleeping?" The older man questioned, and Brian only looked at him as if he had sprouted a second head or something along those lines. "What?" He continued, raising a thick eyebrow, wondering just what he was missing.

"With me of course." He answered simply in reply. "You think I would make you sleep on the couch Brocky?" He retorted, "Come on." He said simply, standing up from the sofa, turning the game consoles off and setting the controllers up somewhere. Brock was too tired to argue with him, or at least that's what he was telling himself. Hell, he liked sleeping in a bed with Brian, he'd take advantage of it for as long as he was here in LA with him. So wordlessly, they made their way up the steps, and helped each other make the bed in the younger man's new room. Brock didn't think he would ever get tired of this, tired of Brian. It was all so nice and he was getting way to close for comfort.

"You know," He began. "I think LA is starting to grow on me." _Either that, or it's you._

"Glad to hear it." The Irishman grinned as he rolled over to look at his best friend. His crystal blue eyes seemed clear in the darkness of the room. The only light that was visible was from the moon through the window because Brian still hadn't bought curtains for it. They didn't mind though, the moonlight, that is. But it seemed as though both of them were walking on eggshells around each other, careful of what to say because of their feelings. However, Brian could almost read Brock's mind right there as they laid together in the big bed. "You don't have to go home just yet." The younger man got out. He knew Brock didn't want to leave, and he knew that he didn't want to be alone just yet in this new apartment. He wanted Brock to stay with him.

"What?"

"You could stay longer." He offered with such lightness in his voice, Brock wasn't sure if he was joking or not. The older man rolled over on his side, finding Brian's eyes so he could read them, see if he could tell what he really meant. They showed nothing but sincerity, and gentleness, and Brock knew that he was being completely serious. His smile then broadened, "We haven't even got to have any real fun here yet." He argued. Which was true, there was so much stuff he wanted to take Brock to do, so much stuff he wanted him to experience before he went back home. "Stay, please, Brocky?" There it was, and Brock was weak in the knees and short of breath when he heard that plead leave his best friend's lips. He would do anything for Brian.

"Are you sure?" He inquired, glancing at him through his thick eyelashes.

"Of course."

He nodded, "Okay, I'll stay." Brock said, his voice softer than he intended it to be. "But only for a few more days." He added, mostly for himself rather than Brian. Hell, he didn't want the younger man to get sick of him, and he didn't want to overstay his welcome. But Brian was Brian, and Brock doubted that any of those things would even happen. They were so close, getting on each other's nerves wasn't even a thing with them anymore. And staying here in LA with him longer, well, he might just work up the courage to finally confess to the man he was inevitably in love with. "Goodnight Bri." He managed through a yawn.

"Night Brock." The Irishman replied sleepily. "We're gonna have a lot of fun tomorrow."


	11. both are lightweights

Morning came faster than expected, sun shining through Brian's open windows, being more prominent due to the lack of blinds and curtains there. He could tell already that the weather was going to be fair in LA today, which was perfect for he and Brock's day of fun. Brian had a lot planned, and he hoped the older man would enjoy himself. After all, he wanted Brock to get the most out of his time here in LA, and Brian loved spending time with him whenever they had the chance. Speaking of Brock, the older man was still fast asleep in the big bed. His breaths were soft, and his arms were long and outstretched towards Brian, who was now sitting up moving his stiff muscles. He had to admit, sleeping in the bed was a lot more comfortable than the air mattress.

The Irishman had to admit, being around his best friend like this did confuse him slightly. No doubt his feelings were growing, and being near Brock, seeing him, hearing his voice, just made him even more disoriented about this whole situation. Brock liked him, and he liked Brock, didn't he? That was something he hadn't truly asked himself yet. Did he genuinely have feelings for the older man? His mind flashed to the other night out on the front steps, where he wanted to kiss Brock... Friends didn't want to kiss their friends; his feelings were real. But again, what could he do when he was already with someone? He pushed it out of his mind once more, hoping it wouldn't resurface, but he knew he couldn't stay in denial about it forever.

Brian decided to let Brock sleep, as usual, and readied himself to take a shower and get the day started. When Brock, however, finally did manage to wake up, it was to the sounds of pots and pans being clanged together downstairs in the kitchen, presumably from Brian cooking breakfast. He left the messy bed, and rubbed the sleep out of his dark eyes before he headed downstairs where the smell of eggs filled his nose. And he was right; there was Brian at the stove, dancing around and humming to himself lightly, already dressed and ready for the day. "Having fun?" Brock inquired as he stepped into the kitchen.

The younger man turned around, spatula in hand and sporting a jovial grin. "Well good morning to you too." He greeted. "Sleep okay?"

Brock nodded, "Fine." He sat down at the kitchen counter, watching as Brian continued to cook breakfast.

"So," Brian started. "After we eat, you can take a shower, get ready, and then we'll head out for the day. I hope you're ready to have some fun." He continued, finally serving the older man some food. He sat down beside him to eat as well, sharing some small conversation and what not.

Once breakfast was finished, Brock took a shower and got dressed too; and the two were ready to head out. The first stop on their day of fun was the cinema. They were going to catch a morning movie together, and Brock had to admit, he didn't take Brian for the type of guy to enjoy the cinema as much as he did. But they sat in the back of the theatre, sharing popcorn and soda, laughing loudly until the movie was over. It was a good way to start the day. After the theatre they got back in their cab and headed to the next destination which was a small café to get lunch. The sun burned down in the LA sky, so the boys decided to eat outside at the restaurant, taking advantage of the nice weather. Once they ordered their food, all Brock could do was glare at Brian with a pointed look. "What?" The Irishman asked with a laugh.

Brock shook his head with a chuckle, "Are you planning on dragging me all over LA today?"

"No," Brian replied. "Only to a few places." He answered, smile never leaving his face. God, he loved being around Brock like this; it made his heart beat faster, his head swim with anticipation, nerves lingering there. "You're not gonna regret it, I promise. Today is going to be nothing but fun." He added, taking in the older man's dark eyes. After they ate their lunch, the next stop was a small arcade nearby. From there they played video games with each other, letting the competitiveness get the best of them. Brock hadn't been to an arcade in a long time, so he had to admit that being here with Brian was nice. And the whole time he couldn't take his eyes off the younger man. The way he laughed, his never ending all white smile, the way his blue eyes shone under the flashing lights of the arcade... It was all enough to send bolts of electricity through Brock's body.

"It's been a while since I've been to an arcade," Brock told him.

The other man only grinned, "Does that mean you're having fun?"

Brock rolled his eyes, "Yes, I'm having fun." He wouldn't admit it to Brian out loud, but he had fun whenever he was with him. It didn't matter where they went, what they were doing, as long as Brian was there, Brock enjoyed himself, and that's how he felt about the situation now. He was spending the entire day with the Irishman, so it was going to be a good day no matter what.

"On to the next stop then." He grabbed Brock by the hand, oblivious to the older man's blush, and practically dragged him to the cab. His skin was nice, soft, despite the few callouses there. And the older man was nothing but a flustered mess on the cab ride to wherever the hell they were going. Brian had held his hand, and albeit had only been for a minute or two, it was still something nonetheless. The red in his cheeks never left, but at this point, he didn't care though, he was hoping Brian would notice, or hoping that he would say something. But of course he wouldn't, he was always so oblivious to everything, or so Brock thought he was.

When the cab turned the corner, Brock recognized the area as the beach they went to before. But instead of going to the beach, there was a nearby pier with a small carnival like thing sat up for the day. Leave it to Brian to bring him to a damn carnival. He turned to the younger man as the cab made its way to a stop, "You gonna win me a prize, Bri?" He inquired with a small laugh.

This time, it was Brian's turn to become flustered. "I mean, if you want, I can." He offered. They spent plenty of time at the carnival, eating fair food, riding the few rides that were there, and of course, playing the games. The sun was setting in the sky, and their long day of fun was finally winding down and coming to a close. By the time the carnival was ending, Brock had an armful of stuffed animals that he got stuck carrying around. He couldn't believe that Brian had won him all of this stuff. He tried to play it off as joking, but deep down, it meant something to him. They walked along the docks, extremely close to each other as pink and orange hues lit up the sky when the sun set. "There's going to be fireworks soon." Brian informed, pulling the older man out of his thoughts.

"Yeah?" Brock inquired, turning his head to look at his best friend.

"You want to stay and watch them?"

"Okay." He nodded, and they continued to walk the dock until they got to the very end, and finally, they were alone. Brian sat down, letting his feet dangle off the edge, and he motioned for Brock to join him. The older man obliged to his request, sitting down and placing all of his stuffed animals beside him. The sky darkened with each passing moment, and the two sat in comfortable silence, legs dangerously close, hell their whole bodies dangerously close as they sat there beside each other. Brock cleared his throat, breaking the silence, "I really did have a lot of fun today... I'm glad I didn't go home yet." He said simply, unable to look over at the younger man.

"Me too." Brian answered, grinning. And for some reason, he felt _nervous._ He could feel butterflies attacking his already weak stomach, his fingers trembled with a feeling that he couldn't even describe. Was it Brock doing this to him? He glanced at the man out of the corner of his eye, and noticed the pink tint on his cheeks. Sunburn? Before he could think anything of it, the sky boomed and cracked with colors, the first firework of the night going off, pulling him out of his curious thoughts. Here in the dock, under the stars, with Brock, hell, he didn't want to be anywhere else.

And Brian was watching the fireworks, but Brock was watching him, purely fascinated with the blue of his eyes contrasting with the bright lights and the water of the ocean. In that moment, he was tired of the tension, tired of the emotional stress, tired of all the suppressed feelings he had been keeping inside him all this time. He fucking loved Brian, so why couldn't he just love him and be happy? He was so angry at himself for being a coward, but right then and there, he decided to cower no more. Something, anything had to be done, and he didn't care of the outcome. The only thing Brock was focused on was the present moment itself, and that's how he knew he had to do what he had to do. "Brian?" He didn't like his voice when it came out, it sounded too frail, too unsure, but he was more sure of this than anything in the world right now.

The younger man turned his head to glance at Brock, "Hm?" And just like that, Brock went in for the kill. He smashed his lips against Brian's, heart hammering and about to come up his throat, but he kissed him. All the times he imagined what Brian's lips felt like, what they tasted like, this couldn't even compare to that; and Brian was kissing him back. Their lips brushed against each other's feverishly, each time was a little bit more softer, and each time Brian felt himself succumbing to the older man. This is what he wanted all along, this is what he needed. They lingered, foreheads touching, eyes half lidded, and Brock knew he should have felt embarrassed, but he didn't, not even in the slightest way.

Brock cupped his face, feeling Brian's stubble on his hands, "I'm sorry." He breathed out, breath hot against the Irishman's face. "I've wanted to do that for so long Brian, you have no idea." And he was proud of himself for finally working up the courage to finally take hold and do something about his infatuation with his best friend.

The younger man pulled his lips into a small smile, "Don't apologize, I wanted it too."


	12. close my eyes just visualize

The bed felt smaller, the room felt smaller as Brock interlaced his fingers with Brian's. His nose was nestled in his hair, and he hummed in content. The younger man's skin was soft, just like he imagined it to be, and there were no words to describe just what Brock was feeling right now. This was all he ever wanted out of this trip, and he was so happy that he got it. The bedroom was quiet until the older man finally decided to speak, "This means we're together, yeah?" His voice was quiet, unsure, as if he was afraid he was dreaming about all of this. That if he woke up, Brian would be far from reach, or at least they'd still only be friends; the kiss not having happened.

Brian sighed, his breath warm, "Of course, Brocky." But his heart ached inside, knowing that what he was doing was wrong. He couldn't lead two people on; not _her_ or Brock. But he loved them both the same, or did he? Did he love Brock, his best friend? Was he in love with him? Was Brock in love with him? And did he love _her_? The one he was already with? These questions made his head hurt, laying here while Brock held him. His chest ached with feverous anxiety, unsureness, guilt. Why couldn't he just tell Brock that he was in a relationship already? Why did it hurt him so much to think about that? But he knew the answer, he knew it was because he didn't want whatever this was, this thing he had with Brock, to end.

The cab ride home from the carnival sufficed of them talking about their feelings, finding that their infatuation for each other was mutual all along. They held hands the whole way home, all while exchanging a few kisses. But Brian knew he was fucking up, he knew in the long run, only bad things would come out of this. When the cab dropped them off back at Brian's apartment, sleepiness overtook their tired bodies, and they made the bed and got settled in it. And now, here they were, mostly silence, the sound of their gentle breathing surrounding them, along with the moonlight from the open windows.

Brock hummed again, "That makes me happy."

"I know." Brian answered simply, tightening his vice grip on Brock's hands. The older man made him happy too. Why was he even debating this? Should there even be a question of who he wanted to be with? But he knew he couldn't tell Brock now, not when the older man was so happy, so at peace to finally get what he wanted, and not when all this had just started. He couldn't break his heart, or at least not yet, not when he didn't have a plan. Did that make him a terrible person? Selfish? Brian concluded that he was an asshole, why couldn't everything just fall into place? Be easy for him? Why did he have to choose between two people he _loved_? Pushing it all aside, he decided that now was not the time for his intruding thoughts. He would enjoy the company of Brock, his boyfriend, and worry about this conflict after he had gone back to Utah.

When morning finally came, Brock was surprised to see himself still wrapped around the younger man. He was sure yesterday wasn't real at all. But yes, here he was, snuggled against his _boyfriend,_ still in LA with him. He was warm, smooth, content in his arm as they laid there. It was at that moment, Brock wished that he had taken Vanoss' advice and confessed to Brian a lot sooner rather than later. Then he would have had more time with him, being together, like this. More time to revel in this happiness that he had never felt before. Brock watched him sleep until he finally stirred, moving around in the older man's arms, blinking, yawning, and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Good morning." Brock greeted, smile too white, too broad, and each time Brian looked at it, his heart seemed to falter even more.

"Morning." The Irishman replied, still sleepy. "You know, this isn't a bad way to wake up." He smiled, squeezing Brock's arms.

"I thought the same thing." The older man grinned.

"Want to get something for breakfast?"

"Okay." Brock stayed with Brian in LA for another week, relishing the time they had together, but he knew he couldn't stay in LA forever. He had a job, a home, youtube he had to worry about and what not. He wished he could stay, but he knew he had to go. He booked a flight back to Utah, and the day creeped forward painfully slowly. The older man didn't want to leave, not LA, not Brian. And Brian was sad to see him go as well. Of course, he was glad though, to have some alone time to sort out his thoughts, fix things. He needed to figure out just what he was going to do, and fast, before this all got out of their hands, and before too many hearts were broken.

The ride to the airport was eerily quiet, Brock's luggage resting between he and Brock in the back of the cab. The sadness of the situation finally taking a toll on them and settling within their bones. "I'm really going home, huh?" The older man finally managed to get out, "It doesn't feel right." A chuckle escaped him, but it didn't fit the mood of their situation. He was right, it felt strange to be leaving Brian after they had pretty much been inseparable. The cab ride dragged on forever, until they finally got through traffic, arriving at the crowded airport. But they walked to the airport hand in hand to Brock's departing flight gate, a melancholy feeling still lingering inside the two of them.

"Call me as soon as you get home, okay?" Brian said, his hands remaining on his boyfriends, reluctant to let go; reluctant to let him go, to let him get on that damned plane. But it was for the best, and it wasn't like Brock couldn't go home, he had a life to get back to, and Brian knew that. "We'll play together or skype or something." He insisted, "Maybe make a video."

"I will, promise." Brock agreed, before letting a sad smile grace his pretty features. "And remember, we're only a state away now. I'll come back soon."

Another smile, "I'll be waiting," Brian said, before looking down at his phone for the time, his flight was about to leave. "You better go, your flight takes off soon." He continued, putting his phone back away, and grabbing the older man's hands once more, giving them a big squeeze. The softness of them still making him smile; he truly would never get tired of them.

"Yeah," Brock sighed. "I guess you're right."

"I'll see you soon, Brocky." He finally let go of his hands only to pull him in for a kiss that was short and sweet. Lips on lips, and Brock let his hands roam Brian's body one last time, feeling the soft flesh before pulling away out of breath. He was sure he'd never not love Brian's kisses, or ever get tired of them. How would he go a whole month without them? Hopefully the time they were apart would go by faster than ever, so he could be reunited with his boyfriend in LA once more. In his head, he was already planning dates they could go on, things they could do with each other.

The older man picked up his luggage and turned to walk through the gate, "Bye Bri." He waved, and Brian merely watched with sad blue eyes as he made his way through the flight gate and on the plane. He stayed in the airport, at the window, watching the plane take off before it was out of sight. Brock was gone, finally going back home. The Irishman finally decided to head back home, start working on videos now that he was by himself, and maybe tonight, when he felt like it, go through all these confusing feelings he had. As soon as he walked out of the airport, his phone buzzed in his hand, and he chuckled at seeing it was a text from Brock. _I miss you already. :(_ And Brian felt his heartbeat begin to stall.

He thumbed a reply while waiting for his cab, _you're fine, quit being a big baby about everything. (: you'll be back before you know it._

Meanwhile, Brock listened to music on his flight home, while sending Brian a few texts here and there. It was only a few hours long, but he was restless about it already. He knew after being with Brian for two weeks, he was going to be more lonely than ever when he arrived home, his house empty as always. Would long distance work between he and Brian? Would skype calls, texts, and playing together be enough to keep them sane? To keep them from missing each other? He surely hoped they would, or at least keep them preoccupied until the next visit. And after all of this had happened, after all of this was confirmed, Brock still couldn't believe that he had managed to end up with Brian, and he couldn't wait to tell Vanoss all about it when his plane landed back in Utah.


	13. greenest grass on the other side

Brock's flight landed after the morning hours, and despite the fact that he was away from Brian, he was excited to be home. The day was warm, and as soon as he was off the plane he sent a quick text to Brian, letting the younger man know that he got home safely. His car was still parked there, at the airport, so without anymore hesitation, he grabbed his luggage and began his drive home, letting Utah settle in his bones once more. It was weird being back, almost nostalgic, after being away with Brian for so long. But it was nice to be back, after all. He had to admit, regardless of everything, his mixed feelings and emotions, he was happy, and he had a feeling that Brian was happy too.

The drive home didn't take long, and Brock felt good when his little one story house came into view. He had missed it, that was for sure, but he also knew that now that he was away from Brian, he would feel lonelier than ever. He parked the car, shut it off, and grabbed his luggage to head inside. His familiar living room came into view once he opened the door, and Brock didn't waste any time in throwing his bags down, he'd unpack later, after he showered, ate, and recuperated from flying. A nap was always a must have after a flight. He was about to head into the kitchen to make a quick snack, when his phone started to buzz in his back pocket. Brock naturally assumed it was Brian, but when he pulled the phone out and checked the screen, he saw it was none other than Vanoss.

He tapped the answer button and brought the phone to his ear, "Hello?"

"Hey!" Evan greeted, "I saw your tweet, you're back home?" He inquired.

Brock nodded and rolled his eyes as he continued his way to the kitchen, still set on making himself a snack. He liked keeping his fans up to date on his twitter account, that way they would know when to expect a video and what not, or a hiatus, like his trip with Brian. Of course, he was able to upload, just not as frequently as he would like to; and as soon as he got on his flight earlier, he put out a tweet that he was on his way back home. "Yeah, I just walked through the door actually." Brock replied, "Good timing." He chuckled.

"Happy to be home?" Vanoss asked.

The older man sighed, "Yeah, I guess." He opened up the fridge, and began pulling out miscellaneous items to make for his snack. He laid them out on the small kitchen counter while pressing the phone to his shoulder so he could still listen to his friend speak. If he were being honest with himself, he would definitely prefer Brian's kitchen over his right about now. He was already starting to miss the younger man's apartment, hell, he was already starting to miss LA. "It just feels kind of weird, you know, with Brian not here." He continued, knowing that Vanoss was about to pester him to no end, but Brock was eager to tell him of just what had ensued between he and Brian; about them being in a relationship now. Maybe Evan would be proud of him for admitting his feelings.

The asian man paused on the other line, remembering their dinner with Tom they had about two weeks ago. Had Brian told Brock since then? Had he let him know that he was already in a relationship? Or was he still stringing Brock along, playing with his emotions? He hadn't spoken to Brian nor Brock ever since the dinner, and his curiosity was getting the best of him, however, he was still going to take Tom's advice, and try not to get involved. But he knew it was going to be difficult to not want to step in. "How did it go with you guys?" He wanted to word the question carefully, not really just put it all out there for the older man. He had to be cautious of his emotions, of Brock always wearing his heart on his sleeve. "Did you ever...?" He let the sentence hang, hoping that his friend would catch on and get at what he was asking.

Brock stopped in making his snack, and leaned against the counter, "Believe it or not, I kissed him."

"You what!?" Evan nearly screamed.

The older man laughed, "I said I kissed him... And he kissed me back... And we're together." Brock concluded in a simple manner, and if he was being completely honest with himself, it felt amazing to say those words out loud. Because it made them more real, it made this newfound relationship even better. Albeit, they had only been together for about a week, they were still a couple, and Brock still couldn't get over it. All this time he spent pining after his best friend, and it finally paid off. Hell, just thinking about it now sent a faint blush to his cheeks, and he couldn't believe he was sitting here gossiping to Evan of all people about it. Who ever thought that they would get to this point?

"Holy shit Brock, I never thought you would, you know?"

"Me either." He replied with a shrug.

Vanoss hesitated once more, "I'm proud of you though." He said simply, but inside his head the gears were turning. If Brock and Brian were together, then that meant that the Irishman had failed to tell Brock of his girlfriend, and that meant that Brock still didn't know, and that meant Brian was leading both of them on. What the hell was wrong with him? And Evan was still distraught on whether or not he should tell Brock the truth. It would definitely save him a ton of heartbreak, but just hearing how happy Brock was brought Tom's words back into his mind. He couldn't do it, it wasn't his responsibility, and he knew that the truth with Brian would come out sooner or later, whether he wanted it to or not. He just hoped that his choice of not telling Brock wouldn't come back to bite him in the butt.

"Thanks." The older man grinned.

"But yeah, I didn't just call you to harass you about Brian." Evan chuckled, trying to forget what he knew, pushing it out of his mind as far as possible. "Me and a few of the guys were gonna get a prop hunt game going later, wanna play if you're up for it?" He finally asked, the phone hot against his face.

Brock finished his snack, "Yeah I have to make a video anyway. Want me to see if Brian wants to play too?"

"If you want."

"Alright, talk to you later." The older man hung up his phone and shoved it back into his pocket, more than ready to eat his snack. Evan's words echoed in his mind; he was proud of him. Did he really not think his true feelings for Brian would ever come out? Brock shook his head as he sat at the kitchen table, Vanoss was definitely a weirdo sometimes, but Brock still enjoyed having him as a friend nonetheless. He gave good advice and was always there for him, and he was thankful for that. Evan was always there for him when he needed to rant about Brian, or just get his thoughts out in the open where they needed to be, instead of holding him in. It was like Evan was his voice of reason, if that were possible.

After the man finished his snack, he cleaned the kitchen back up and readied himself for a shower. He needed to wake himself up now since he was going to be playing with the guys. Once he was clean, fed, and had some of his stuff unpacked, Brock decided that now would be a good time to finally call Brian. His fingers dialed his number quickly, and he knew it by heart from all the late night phone calls they had shared before. Brian picked up on the second ring, his voice more chipper than ever, and that warmed Brock's heart. "Hey Brocky, I was waiting for your call." Brock could clearly hear the smile in his boyfriend's voice and it made him smile too.

"Hey," He replied. "Miss me?"

Brian chuckled, "You know it."

They had only been separated for less than a day, but still, the older man loved to tease him. It was kind of their thing. "The guys are playing prop hunt in a little bit, do you want to play?" Brock asked, switching the phone to his other ear. "I mean, I'm playing, if that affects your answer." He grinned, listening to Brian's breath on the other line. He hoped that them being together wouldn't take a toll on the other guys, or on each other either, while they were playing their games. But that was a silly thought, and Brock knew better.

"Yeah, I'll play." He answered without missing a beat, knowing that he needed to make a video as well, "How was your flight?" He inquired.

"It was okay." Brock replied, "I'm glad to be home, and just so you know I'm taking you up on that skype call later."

The Irishman laughed his familiar laugh, "Alright." He paused for a moment, "Hey listen Brocky, I have to go but I'll talk to you later when we play, yeah?"

"Yeah." The older man agreed, "Talk to you then." There was something off about him, Brock noticed as he shoved his phone back into his pocket once more and headed up to his office, where he did most of his gaming and editing and other things of that sort. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, so he decided to merely push it out of his mind for now. Maybe Brian was just busy, or at least, that's what Brock liked to think.


	14. oh our lives don't collide

Brock didn't like the distance. Of course, he knew it was going to be difficult, but he at least thought he'd be able to endure it for the sake of his growing relationship with Brian. It was hard, what with the Irishman being in LA, and Brock being back in Utah. They were so close, yet so far away. So many miles separated them after their lips had touched for the very first time. He was pretty sure that the sunshine state had left a lasting impression on him, and that's why he was having withdrawals from the man he loved. Of course, he'd be able to visit him again soon, but soon just wouldn't be soon enough. And until then, Brock swore he would do everything in his power to keep them close, to strengthen their relationship.

The late night phone calls were his absolute favorite; they were intricate, vulnerable, he felt like he could feel Brian opening up to him in the empty hours of the night; not even the moon able to hide his feelings from him. The sounds of his gentle breaths on the other line of the phone washed over him like sweet euphoria, and he craved more. He needed more from the younger man, it would never be enough. That's how Brock knew that long distance just simply wasn't enough to satisfy him and his need for Brian. He needed to see him, needed to feel his acute touch; he wanted Brian to make his heart flutter with anxiety.

"Are you sleepy?" Brian murmured, stifling a yawn himself. He was blinking back tired tears as he spoke to his boyfriend over the phone. He tossed and turned in the big bed that felt so empty without the older man, pressing the phone to his shoulder. He ran a hand through his always messy hair, letting a sigh travel through his body as he listened to the sound of Brock's breaths.

"No." It was an insatiable lie that Brock would tell time and time again, only because he didn't want Brian to hang up the phone. He was stubborn in that way, but he didn't care. He didn't want to let go; he didn't want to let _him_ go. He clung to his every word, his every syllable like it was his life line. Of course, he would never admit that to Brian though; hell, what normal person would say something like that out loud? Brock had to shake his head at the silly thought.

The Irishman chuckled on the other line, "If you say so." They would talk about love, life, the moon and the stars, but the simple fact that Brian had a girlfriend never came up in conversation, and it never would. It's not just something you could come out and say anyway. It'd be like ripping off a band aid, it would hurt like hell. He still didn't have the heart to tell the older man, and rather hadn't found a proper way to tell him yet. But was there really a right way to tell someone who loved you that you were already in a relationship? Brian didn't know. All he did know was that whatever was going to come out of this would be ultimately his fault and his fault alone, only because of the simple fact that he didn't know what he wanted out of all of this. He hated himself for it, and this certain situation.

A sleepy laugh exited Brock, "Are you tired?" He retorted.

"I don't sleep." Brian replied, smiling, cheeks hurting.

"I can hear the sleep in your voice," The older man said, just as another yawn was surfacing. He knew Brian, and he knew him well, however, he could never know the secrets he had underneath his surface. The ones he had never told, never let see daylight. It was painful to say the least, and the younger man only tried to swallow it down, the lies leaving a bitterness on his tongue.

" _Brocky,_ " It was soft, incoherent, a sigh even, and Brock could feel himself shiver at the sound. The things Brian did to him drove him crazy, and he hoped that he had just a fraction of that effect on him as well. "Seriously, I'm not tired."

Nevertheless, both of them were too stubborn to hang up, they fell asleep on the phone with each other. And that wasn't a rare occurrence in even the slightest; it happened almost every time they had a late night phone call. But Brian loved it. He got to hear Brock's gentle snores over the phone, which comforted him and gave the illusion that he was in bed with him, not with _her._ They were like soft waves, lulling him into abyss, into a dreamlike state. And when he would wake, Brock would still be there, snoring away. Brian was happy in that way, despite his inner turmoil bubbling beneath the surface of his skin. Why did he put himself in these situations? Honestly, the younger man didn't know the answer himself.

But aside from the phone calls, they used texts, skype chats, and video games to keep their relationship alive. It wasn't much, but it would have to suffice. After all, there was only so many things that a couple could do for long distance. They skyped whenever they could, which wasn't often because of Brian was so _busy_ with other things. He was always making excuses, always leaving early, but Brock never complained, about the distance, about anything. He was just happy to interact with Brian when he could. And internally, he thought maybe that was a bad sign, but he never paid any mind to it.

Before the two men knew it, a little over a months time had passed since Brock's visit to LA, and it was almost time for his second visit. He and Brian had agreed on doing something every month, just so they wouldn't have to go a very long time without seeing each other. Brock had spent the previous few days preparing his extra videos, packing, and spending a little extra time in picking out a gift for Brian. He knew it shouldn't have been difficult, but somehow, it felt different this time since they were dating. He felt like he needed to get something nicer, something prominent, something that would leave a lasting impression. The plane ticket resided in his wallet, and the day came closer and closer. The older man was so excited to see his boyfriend again. "My flight leaves tonight," He exclaimed excitedly, memorizing Brian's blue eyes over the webcam.

"Can't wait to see you." The younger man smiled.

"I should be there by morning, noon at the latest." He continued to explain. There had been some storms, delaying flights, slowing them down, and that's why it would take Brock all night to get to LA. But he didn't care, he could just sleep, and when he woke up, he'd be reuniting with Brian again. It was as if time couldn't go any faster. "I miss you so much Brian." His dark eyes stared into the webcam. Of course, skype was better than a phone call, but still, it just wasn't the same as seeing him in person, of getting to kiss him and hold his hand. Brock craved physicality, affection, and that was hard to get during long distance.

"I miss you too Brock." Brian sighed. "I have so much shit for us to do while you're here though."

"Sounds amazing."

"You're gonna love it." The Irishman replied.

"Hey! I got you something too!" Brock didn't want to spare too many details, but he at least wanted Brian to be expecting a present. He merely waived it off, as always, but knowing the truth, he probably had a present for Brock waiting there for him when he got there as well. A small smile surfaced, "I'm gonna go though, so I can clean up the house a bit and get everything else ready for tonight." The older man said. He still had a lot to do for his trip, and he was sure Brian had some things to do as well. "I'll see you soon, Bri." His eyes lingered on the screen a few minutes longer before Brian blew him a kiss and disconnected the call. Once the skyping was finished, Brock headed to his bedroom to finish packing. Meanwhile, Brian knew he had to clean his house and get everything ready for his boyfriend as well. And he knew he had to get rid of _her_ before Brock got into LA.

When the sun was finally setting in the sky, Brock was just finishing up his household chores and packing. He had uploaded a video, and was about to head to the airport to catch his one way flight to LA. He and the Irishman had been texting back and forth, and the hype of seeing each other was real. Brock was sure that was why time felt like it was going so slow. The drive to the airport felt like an eternity, and it took nearly forever for him to get through airport security and get to his departing flight gate. It was late when he finally settled on the plane, sending a selfie to Brian for good measure. He'd be with him in hours time, surely he'd be able to sleep patiently through this flight. Right?


	15. now you're only low

The flight was turbulent, Brock noticed. But he tried not to pay any attention to it. He kept his attention, or what little he had left, focused on the fact that he would be arriving in LA soon, the fact that he would be able to see Brian soon. Because of the late flight, it was midmorning when the plane finally touched down in California. Sunny skies and fair weather welcomed the older man with wide open arms. Of course, he was a bit agitated at the fact that the flight was a bit late, but he was finally there, and that was all that mattered. So he grabbed his carry on luggage, and made his way off the plane, and into the busy streets of the city. He and Brian had agreed on not meeting at the airport this time, since Brock sort of knew his way around LA now. He could easily navigate his surrounding areas with the help of a cab driver. And Brock wanted to surprise Brian, so he didn't text the younger man beforehand, to let him know that he had arrived in the city.

The streets and sidewalks were crowded as Brock attempted to get the attention of a cab and a driver. When he finally did, he threw his luggage in the trunk and gave Brian's address. Despite all the people, despite all the traffic, he was finally on his way to see his boyfriend. Excitement bubbled up inside of him, he couldn't wait to see Brian, couldn't wait to hold him, hell, he couldn't wait to kiss his dumb face. The cab ride was slow due to detours and traffic, but lucky for Brock, Vanoss called his phone to keep him company, or to annoy him rather. "You here yet?" The asian man asked, gaining a smile from the older man.

"Just got into town, on my way to Brian's now." Brock answered, glancing out the windows of the car to see if he recognized where he was from his trip before. They were getting closer, but still had little ways to go. "He doesn't know I'm here yet." He added, switching the phone to his other ear, waiting and listening for Evan's reply.

"How are you guys doing, anyway?" He inquired, honestly curious from the information that he knew. Of course, Evan and Brock spoke often, but Evan didn't like to pry into Brock's business. He only liked to ask for what the man was willing to share, and he hadn't asked about Brian since Brock had arrived home from his first visit to LA. But Evan was playing a waiting game; he knew it was only a matter of time before everything that Brian and Brock had built up, came tumbling down and crushing Brock. Internally, he did still feel a bit guilty for not telling Brock, his friend, this heartbreaking news. And Tom still asked about them too, because after all, he was worried about Brock as well. It was only a matter of time before the inevitable truth came out.

Brock sighed, knowing that Evan was just looking out for him, "We're good." He nodded, as if trying to reassure himself, rather than his friend over the phone. "I really don't like the distance, and Brian is busy a lot, but I'm just happy we're together." He explained. Busy, he was always busy, always had other things to do, and Brock suffered in silence. He recalled all the times Brian had to leave a gaming session, or hang up a skype call to do something else. It wasn't like him to just blow Brock off, he had been acting out of character recently, and the older man noticed it right away. But he always would. He could read Brian like the palm of his own hand. "I think this visit will really help." He added, as if a last minute after thought.

"Busy?" Evan asked.

"Yeah." Brock confirmed. "He's got a lot of projects and other stuff going on right now." He was making excuses for him and Evan fucking knew it. The Irishman wasn't man enough to tell his boyfriend that he had a girlfriend, and that thought made Vanoss angry. If he really had feelings and love for Brock, then why the hell was he doing this to him? But then again, if Evan really liked Brock too, wouldn't he tell his friend about his significant other's infidelities? They were both at fault. And of course, the rest of the guys knew of Brian and Brock's relationship, but they didn't know Brian was romantically involved with someone else at the same time. Evan was sure if they did know, they would feel the exact same way he was feeling right about now.

"Oh." Was all the asian could muster. "Well if you have some free time while you're here, we should hang out again."

The cab was slowing down, and Brock looked out the window, realizing that they were coming up on Brian's apartment complex. He was finally here, and he could feel his heartbeat picking up with fever. "Yeah, I'd love to hang out." He answered Evan's question, realizing he was still on the phone with the younger man. "I'm finally here, so I gotta let you go. I'll call you later, okay? Let you know how everything goes or something." He was rambling because he knew he just wanted to get off the phone. But Evan agreed, and the two hung up their phones. Brock paid the cab driver his fee, and grabbed his luggage, heading to the front door of Brian's apartment.

His heart hammered in his chest, and he felt like he was going to puke, but it was a good feeling. One that he would embrace with Brian time and time again. He felt as if his feet wouldn't carry him fast enough to his boyfriend's door, but he finally got there, the LA sun beating down on his back. Slowly, he brought his hand up to knock on the door, and he did so, loudly, while his heartbeat mimicked the sounds. He shifted his weight back and forth, from his right foot, to his left foot, while waiting for Brian to answer the door. But Brian _didn't_ answer the door, it was a girl. Did Brock have the right apartment number? Had his memory deceived him? Was he at the right place? He sat his luggage down, feeling as though he was about to faint.

"Can I help you?" Her voice was melodic.

"Is Brian around?" He inquired, his voice hesitant, hoping it would come out strong, but it cheated him, and he sounded unsure, afraid of what this confrontation was; of what it might mean. Who was _she_? A million questions floated angrily in his mind, anxiety pooling around in his belly, heart beating wildly, going a mile a minute as he was face to face with this stranger, who might not really be all that much of a stranger anyways.

She shifted her weight, "He left for the gym awhile ago, he said he'd be..." But Brock tuned out, ears hot, face flushed as he studied this _girl_. She was tall, lean, and had long, honey brown hair, almond eyes, and lips that curled ever so slightly into a prominent cheshire grin. She was pretty, no, she was more than pretty, and Brock felt like he was going to vomit, maybe he should have, maybe that would make him feel better. "Oh!" She exclaimed, bringing the older man back out of his consuming thoughts. "You must be Brock!" Her eyes were lit, and Brock tried to smile at her, but he couldn't. _She knew who he was?_ "Brian talks about you all the time. Do you want to come in?" A question that was so simple, brought tears to the older man's eyes, but he wasn't going to cry, not in front of this stranger, not in front of _Brian's girlfriend._

He shook his head, feeling the color drain from his face, "No that's okay..." He mustered. "I'll just go."

"Do you want me to tell Brian you stopped by?" She inquired. "He should be back soon, you could stay."

Brock only shook his head, as he picked up his luggage and turned around to leave. "I'll just call him later, really, you've done enough." She was in the same bed that they shared together, she got to kiss his lips, be with him, while Brock was stuck in Utah. She got to have the relationship that Brock always wanted, the relationship that he craved but could never have.

He wanted to be mad at her, but she had no idea either. Brian was duping them both, and Brock had no idea, she had no idea. What the hell was wrong with Brian? Why didn't he tell Brock he had a girlfriend? The older man was lost in his head as he walked out of Brian's apartment complex and down the busy street. He didn't care if he had a cab or not, all he cared about was getting the hell out of there. Brian was his best friend... How long had he and that girl been dating? Why was he keeping her a secret? Why didn't he tell Brock, his best friend? Best friends told each other everything! Why? That was the question that overpowered them all, and he was hurt like no other.

And finally, Brock was overwhelmed with everything, his chest felt as if though it was caving in on itself, and finally, he cried like he had never cried before. He was able to find a secluded place where nobody would bother him, where nobody would see him, and he let the sobs overcome his body. Hiccups shook him, and crybaby tears ran hot and fast down his red and raw cheeks. His heart was breaking, chest throbbing. He was a fool to let himself get in this deep. Kissing him had been a mistake. No wonder why Brian was always so busy, no wonder why he never had time for anything. Brock shook his head as his phone buzzed feverishly in his pocket. He already had texts from Brian, but he didn't look at them, he just turned off his phone and shoved it back into his pocket. He didn't want to see the Irishman, didn't want to talk to him. The only thing that Brock did want, was to get the hell out of LA and back home where he belonged.


	16. heartbreak on my hands

All the flights back to Utah were booked, and Brock wouldn't be able to go home as soon as he would have liked to. He was stuck here in LA at least until tomorrow, and that only made him feel worse. Once he was sure he had all of his crying out at the moment, he managed to make it to the nearest hotel. His cheeks were red and raw, eyes heavily bloodshot, and he must have looked like a mess talking to the receptionist and trying to get a room. But he needed one, he needed a place to hide until the early morning hours, at least until he could escape to the airport and get on a flight back home. This small hotel would have to do, because Brock knew it didn't matter anyway, he just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep.

His room was on the third floor, so he took his luggage and made his way to the elevator, trying to hold in his emotions in the process. His phone still buzzed furiously in his pocket, but he ignored it because he knew it was Brian. And Brian was the last person he wanted to talk to right now; in fact, if Brock was being honest with himself, he kind of wanted to punch Brian in the face right about now. He was angry, but he knew he wouldn't be angry forever, because deep down, he knew he still loved the Irishman. He still loved him and he knew he always would. No matter how much hurt, how much pain he put him through, there was still something about him that was enticing, that kept drawing the older man into him.

The elevator dinged, signaling that Brock had arrived to the third floor, and he looked down at the room key to make sure he was heading in the right direction. It was a small room, one bed, but that was all he needed. He locked the door behind him, threw his luggage aside, and sank down into the bed. An exhale left him, and he knew he was still a mess, his head was still swimming, and he didn't know what do to. He couldn't believe that he was stuck here in LA until morning, couldn't believe that his trip with Brian was ruined, couldn't believe that Brian had been leading him on this whole goddamn time.

After a few minutes of staring at the ceiling, curiosity got the best of Brock, and he pulled his phone out of his pocket, studying the screen. He really didn't want to check his phone, but he couldn't help it, it was a habit. He had a few missed calls from Brian and Vanoss, and a few texts from them as well. He read the ones from Brian first: _Are you in LA yet? Brock? Did your plane crash? Brocky, are you okay? Please call me._ The older man couldn't help but to roll his dark eyes as he read every single syllable with disdain. How could he act like he cared now after everything that had happened? He wondered if the girl had told Brian she'd met Brock, but Brock didn't think so. If she had, he figured Brian would sound a bit more desperate in his texts.

His phone buzzed in his hand, pulling him out of his thoughts. It was an incoming call from Evan, and this time, Brock decided to answer it. After all, Evan hadn't done anything, so Brock knew he shouldn't take his anger out on the younger man. He pressed the correct button, and brought the phone to his ear, "Hello?" His voice didn't sound like his own, and he was sure it was from crying. He didn't want Evan to worry about him though either, hell, he didn't want to bring his friend into this drama. He had other things he had to worry about, other things to concern his time with. Why should he have to suffer just because Brock was suffering.

"Brock, where are you?" Vanoss sounded confused as he spoke into the phone.

The older man didn't think anything of it, so he answered honestly. "In a hotel, why?"

"Have you talked to Brian?" It was an odd question, especially for Evan to be asking him, but Brock was honest in his answer once more, telling Evan that he had not spoken to Brian at all today. Evan interrupted him, "Is everything alright? He's been calling and texting me nonstop asking if I know where you are." He explained, but he knew. Evan knew exactly what was going on, and it was exactly what he was afraid of happening. But Brock didn't sound too heartbroken yet, and the asian was glad for that. He could hear Brock hesitating on the other line of the phone, and he stepped in once more. "Brock you know you can talk to me, right?" It was better of him to get it out than to leave it all lingering on his chest.

A sigh left his lips, and he sat up in bed, switching the phone to his other. "Okay, first, please don't tell Brian where I am, and please don't tell him I'm in LA." That was his only request, and Vanoss agreed, curious as to why Brock had that reasoning. "So you remember when I got off the phone with you earlier? Well I went to Brian's apartment, but he wasn't there... Some girl answered the door, and Evan I..." He was trying hard not to choke up, not to get emotional or angry again, but he couldn't help it. The wound was still fresh, it still hurt him to even think about it. "I felt so dumb Evan..." He trailed off, a slow tear finally creeping down his cheek.

It was silent between them if only for a moment, "I'm sorry Brock."

"You don't have to apologize... You're not the one leading two people on." The older man scoffed as he listened to his friend over the phone.

Evan hesitated, "But I knew."

Brock's heart nearly stopped beating in his chest when Evan spoke those three words. "Knew what?" He barely managed to get out. He felt his face growing hot again, tears blinding his dark eyes. "You knew he had a girlfriend?" He was yelling now, and even though he didn't want to, he couldn't help it. He was pissed. What else was he going to find out today? "Evan why didn't you tell me? You're supposed to be my friend! And _you_ told me to make a move on him!" Brock was pacing the tiny hotel room now, his breaths coming out in short bouts. He almost hung up on the younger man, but his better side told him not to, it told him to stay on the phone, to listen to Vanoss' reasoning.

"Look, I know you're mad but I didn't want to hurt your feelings! I knew how much you liked him, fuck, loved him!" He argued in reply. "And to be fair I didn't know he had a girlfriend until we all went out to dinner together. He told Tom." He continued to talk but again, Brock zoned out, only focused on Brian and how much this hurt. Brian could tell Tom he had a girlfriend? But he couldn't tell Brock, his best friend? Couldn't tell the other guys? Why was he hiding that girl, and why was she such a fucking secret? "I'm really sorry Brock, and you can be mad at me all you want, but I thought I was doing the right thing." Evan continued.

"This isn't your fault." Brock replied quickly. "I'm still mad at him, not you... And if you don't mind, I really just want to be alone right now."

Evan nodded, "I understand... Just let me know if you need anything, okay?"

"Thanks, I will." Brock finished before hanging up the phone and throwing it down on the bed. He ran his hands over his face, rubbing his wet eyes. Everything was slipping out of his grips faster than he could muster. And if he was mad before, then he was really mad now. Not at Vanoss, not at Tom, not at Brian's girlfriend, he was just pissed at Brian. The man that he was in love with took his heart and smashed it to pieces, took it and played with it, and it made Brock's chest hurt with indescribable pain. He knew right then and there that this is what it must have felt like to have your heart broken, and he wondered right there at that moment what was going through the Irishman's head as well.

His phone buzzed again, and he sighed angrily knowing all too well that it was Brian again. He wished that the younger man would just leave him alone, wished he would stop blowing up his phone. Without thinking, he sent a simple text, turned his phone off, and crawled into the bed. He buried himself underneath the covers, hoping morning would come quickly, hoping he could get back home soon. Nothing mattered anymore, he just needed to get the hell out of LA, get all of this mess sorted out, get his feelings in order. And he knew Brian had to do the absolute same, and he wasn't going to talk to him until he had everything in his corner fixed as well.

Meanwhile, Brian could only stare at his phone in his hands. He could only stare at the simple line that Brock had texted him. This was it, this was everything. He knew he had fucked up and he knew that there was nothing he could do to fix it. What could he do to fix this? Brock was hurt, it was obvious from the text message, and Brian hated himself for hurting him like that. He had wasted too much time, hadn't taken care of things in the first place like he should have. He hurt the people he loved and now it was too late. He didn't blame his boyfriend if he never wanted to talk to him ever again. It was hopeless, and Brian knew he couldn't change anything like this.

 _Please just leave me alone Bri, I don't want to talk to you._


	17. liquid guilt on my lips

It had been two days since the whole mishap, and nobody had heard anything from Brock. He did as he said, and had caught a flight back to Utah as soon as the sun came up. He was ready and willing to leave, getting as far away from LA and from Brian as he possibly could. He kept his phone off, not wanting any contact with the outside world. He was still too hurt to function, which worried Evan and the other guys as well. But Brock clearly had his reasons, and he didn't feel like speaking to anyone. He was a fool and he wanted to be left alone at the moment. He was still trying to cope, still trying to process all of what had happened after two days.

Heartbreak was not something that he was very fond of, but then again, who was? He spent most of those two days in self pity, cursing himself for letting Brian do this to him; letting the younger man absolutely wreck and ruin him. He had taken his heart in his hand and squished it until it was completely smashed, and the thought of that made Brock absolutely sick to his stomach. And after those two days of isolation, after leaving LA, he wasn't sure how to feel, unless it was upset or pissed off. He was so mad at himself as well, so frustrated, because he still loved Brian with every fiber in his being, and he knew he always would. He could hurt him a million times, and his feelings for him would never change. He was loyal, and that was what hurt the most. Never would he ever dream of hurting Brian like this, or in any other way for that matter.

The sad thing was that Brock knew he couldn't avoid him forever.

Brian sent _her_ back home immediately so he could figure things out on his own. She was a distraction, and he wanted to blame her for this mess, but he knew better than that. He did this to himself. Why did he let it even progress this far? He was sure that he loved Brock, and not so sure that he loved _her;_ or at least not in the same way he loved Brock. But his family sure liked her, his mom and dad loved when she came to visit, and his family also didn't know that he was in love with his best friend who was of the same gender. It was a lose/lose, and he knew ultimately that he could never be happy, he could never please both sides of the situation. However, if one thing was for sure, he knew after everything, after that kiss, he could never go back to just being friends with Brock. Their connection was too deep, too strong.

"You just have to talk to him..." That's what Brian told himself, because after all this has ensued, it was out on the table, and Brock had to know everything by now. Brian had to fix this, and he wasn't sure how. Could it even be accomplished? Maybe if he explained everything, the older man would understand, the older man wouldn't hate him. But he knew he would never be able to use only his words to get him completely out of this situation. He would never know the right words to say. Brian knew he fucked up, and now he was suffering the consequences. He should have never let it escalate this far; maybe if he would have just been honest with Brock from the get go, then he could have saved face, this would have never happened.

He had to make a plan and he had to make one fast. Before his mind could even work through this, process this, he was on the phone buying a one way plane ticket to Utah. The flight would leave later today, which was a good thing. He had to see Brock, he had to fix this, patch things up and make them better. However, there was a very small part of him that feared he wouldn't be able to save his relationship with the older man, and that was what he was afraid of the most. But deep down, Brian knew he couldn't get too upset, because all of this was his fault. He tried to push the negativity out of his mind while he prepped for his flight, but it didn't work. It kept surfacing, kept making him sick. It was a feeling he didn't like. Usually, nervousness was a foreign feeling, but with Brock being the cause of his anxiety, it was totally understandable.

While he packed, he kept trying to contact Brock, hoping that just maybe he would pick up. But Brock never answered any calls, never responded to any texts, his phone kept going to voicemail, and Brian knew that that meant it was still shut off. _"Hey, this is Brock! Can't get to the phone right now so leave me a message or text me."_ It was good hearing him on the recording, but it wasn't the same. The Irishman left as many voicemails as he could, praying that Brock would hear them, would listen to them. Hell, he just wanted to hear his actual voice, he just wanted him to tell him that everything was going to be okay. Albeit, it had only been two days, that was two days without him, and Brian was starting to lose it. And now he feared that he was about to lose him for good.

It took the younger man awhile to get his bag packed, but that was good, because it gave him something to do to take his mind off things. Once he was packed and ready, he headed to the airport with one thing in mind: consolidation. He wasn't leaving Utah until Brock knew and understood how sorry he was. In his thoughts, he wondered if Brock was okay, and he wondered if Vanoss or any of the others had heard from him as well. Probably not since his phone was still turned off. There had been no sign of him on youtube or twitter either, and that caused more worry, more friction. Brian wished he could take all of it back, take the lies away, but he knew he never could, it was too late now, and the only thing he could do was make sure Brock knew the truth and the whole truth.

The airport was crowded when Brian arrived, but he kept to himself and boarded his plane. He had only one thought in mind, and that thought was Brock. He couldn't wait to see him, and it would be nearing evening time when the plane finally touched down. He hoped he wouldn't be bothering Brock when he arrived at his house, but this was urgent, this was of vital importance. In the mean time, he tried to relax, tried to calm his nerves by listening to music and getting lost in the clouds outside the plane window.

And in Utah, Brock was trying to keep himself busy as well. He was working on a video, trying to get at least something up on his channel. He had been a little afk since all of this had happened. But the video he was currently working on was of himself and Brian, and it was only making things more difficult. However, footage of he and Brian was all he had gotten as of lately... He had clung to the younger man, spent as much time with him as he could, and again, he was angry at himself for that. But he continued editing the video anyway.

When the plane landed, Brian had a little trouble in getting a cab and getting to Brock's small house. But after a few difficulties, he was on his way, heart hammering harder and harder in his ribcage with each passing moment. He had been to the older man's house before, but oh, it was so different this time. So many emotions blinded him at the moment, so many unsure thoughts and feelings. And when the cab stopped in front of the familiar little white house, he thought maybe he should just turn around and go back home. But he knew he couldn't. He had to do this, for himself, for Brock. So he trudged up the sidewalk, duffle bag at his side, and knocked feverishly, palms growing more sweaty by the second.

The sun was setting in the blue Utah sky, clouds rolling in for the evening, and Brock was about to save his video and start cooking dinner for himself when there was a faint knock on his front door. Confusion immediately rushed to him. Who in the hell would be visiting him now? Especially at this time of the day? Maybe it was just a random coincidence, because he still didn't feel like interacting with anybody at the moment. Nevertheless, he reluctantly headed to the front of the house to answer the door. "Who is it?" He called out, before opening it.

He thought he was hallucinating when he heard, "It's me, _Brocky_."

Brock decided right then and there that he was not opening that damned door. There was no way Brian could be out there... Could he? Just the thought made him weak in the knees and he hated himself for it. He stood at the door, peeking through the tiny window, and sure enough, the younger man was standing there, hair a mess, biting his lip in anxiousness. "I said I didn't want to talk to you!" He nearly yelled, leaning against the door, still not opening it, and he made sure it was locked for extra measures.

"Brock, please..."


	18. anything it takes to make you stay

Brian knew that it was a long shot in getting Brock to open that door, but he had to try, and that's why he was here. He had to give it his all, hell, he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he knew he half assed this whole thing. That's why he was on Brock's front porch, knocking on his door with a duffel bag full of clothes in hand, begging for him to let him in, begging him for forgiveness that he probably didn't even deserve. He had been to Brock's house before, many many times, but this time, it was so different; the circumstances were so unique. Brian had to admit, he felt a little dumb for even coming here. What kind of person did he expect Brock to be? He wasn't just going to waive this all off in a nonchalant manner. There were going to be consequences.

The Irishman leaned against the door, and he could hear Brock breathing on the other side of it. "Brock... Moo Moo," His voice was soft, softer than it had ever been; a gentle caress through the evening Utah air. But Brock always brought that out in him, the gentleness of it all, and always would. He had no idea how the older man was feeling at the moment, but he knew it couldn't be good. He knew that his heart had to have been hurting, and Brian's heart hurt because he knew he was causing the one he loved so much infinite pain. "Just please, open the door..." Brian trailed off, a sigh leaving his lips. "I know you're upset, I know you're probably really pissed at me, and I don't blame you. But please, I'm so sorry Brock, just let me explain." His voice was needy, desperate, and he hopelessly wanted the older man to open that front door.

On the other side of the door, inside the house, Brock was holding back tears. He hadn't wanted to get emotional, he hadn't wanted to cry. But how could Brian stand out there and say all of that stuff? Brock didn't know what was real and what was fake anymore; he couldn't even tell if his so called boyfriend was speaking the truth. The older man listened carefully though, to his words, to his tone of voice, picking it apart at the seams, debating whether or not to open the door. He knew if he opened it, knew if he saw Brian, he would break into pieces. The younger man had absolutely ruined him so it seemed. He had to be strong, and he knew he had to be in control of this situation.

Brock didn't budge though, he was trying too hard not to get angry, not to let the hurt take over. They had to be rational about this, had to be mature adults. But he wanted to yell at Brian, wanted to cuss at him, tell him he was a piece of shit, but he refrained. Why? Because he still fucking loved him, and he knew he wasn't going to go away until they talked about this. But there was so much he had to say, so much that he wanted Brian to feel because he was hurting. A part of Brock wanted Brian; wanted to take him in his arms, cry, let it all out... But the other part of him was still so angry. So, in a way, Brock was hesitant to open the door, and when he did, he cracked it ever so slightly, just so the younger man could barely see his face.

"You honestly think you can just come here and say a bunch of bullshit after what happened?" Brock's voice was so void of emotion, his breathing uneven. And Brian was struck, struck by his chocolate brown eyes that were puffy and swollen presumably from crying. He looked tired, looked like he needed a good night's sleep, and Brian could only curse himself even more, because _he_ did this to Brock. He tried to put his hand in the door, force it open so he could just get Brock to look at him, but the older man cut him off. "I don't want you in here." He didn't even sound like himself, and Brian was trying so hard not cringe. "Say what you need to say before I change my mind." So far, so good at keeping his calm composure, but he had a feeling it wouldn't last long.

Brian struggled to speak, only the words, "Brock, I'm sorry." Left his lips.

"Sorry?"

"Yes, I'm sorry."

And that was all it took for the older man to break down. The door flung open, and he pulled Brian inside, not wanting to argue on his front porch. He shut the door behind them forcefully, and glared at Brian, his eyes darker than they had ever been. All the hurt, all the mistrust, the sadness built up behind them, and they met Brian's blue ones, cloudy with an oncoming storm. "Were you even going to tell me that you had a girlfriend?" The question that he wanted answered most escaped from his lips first. "I'm your best friend, Brian! Why didn't you tell me about her!?" He couldn't look him in the eye as he yelled, because he knew he would weaken him. So he glared at the floor, breathing uneven, coming out in short angry bouts, while Brian just stood there, dumbfounded while Brock yelled at him. "Say something!"

"I want you to get it all out." It was a simple sentence, exposed to the thick air between them. "Tell me what's on your mind, yell at me, I deserve it." Brian shoved his hands into his pockets as he stared at Brock, who still wasn't looking him in the eye. He was avoiding his gaze like the plague, but this had to be done. He knew Brock was angry, and he wanted it all of his system before he tried to explain any of this situation; before he tried to explain the fuck up.

The older man's blood boiled beneath the surface of his skin, face red and splotchy, tremors going through his body. "You're a _fucking_ liar! And a coward! All you do is hurt people you care about..." He trailed off, pacing the small space of the living room floor as Brian watched him. "Selfish... I told you everything, everything Brian! Why? Because that's what best friends do! And you couldn't even tell me that you were already dating someone? You lead me on... And now look where we are!" He ranted, getting this off his chest, and Brian couldn't help but to flinch at a few of his words. But he couldn't complain, he deserved it. Brock stopped pacing, and tried to catch his breath. Finally, finally, he looked up at Brian, eyes meeting each other for the first time in that conflict. They were watery, diluted as tears brimmed them. "Did you ever think of how much you were _hurting_ me?" His voice broke, and a sob followed as he let the tears fall.

Brian rushed to his side, attempting to comfort him, "Brock..."

He merely shoved him away, "Don't."

"Please, just let me?" He inquired. "It's my fault you're like this."

"Just answer my questions." Brock ordered, he needed answers and he needed them now.

"I never told you about her because she's not important..." He began to explain. "I didn't want to ruin things between us, not when they were so good. My parents really like her and they don't know about you... Brock, they don't know how happy you make me. They're forcing her onto me, and I guess... I thought I could just avoid it, run from it." He trailed off, eyes cast downwards, ashamed, embarrassed. In retrospect, it was silly. Why couldn't he just tell Brock from the get go? Why couldn't he just admit to his best friend that his family was forcing him into a relationship? Why couldn't he be a man and stand up to his parents, let him find his own happiness? It was still a messed up situation, he had to admit, and it still needed a lot of fixing. But maybe they could fix it together, maybe he could fix it with Brock. "It's so stupid, I know, and I'm so sorry... I'm such a fuckin' idiot."

The older man hesitated, his voice coming out slow, "Do you love her?"

"She means nothing to me... I don't want to be with her, I want to be with you. _I love you_." The Irishman's voice was small, and he felt like he was going to throw up. Seeing Brock like that, and knowing he was the cause of it absolutely wrecked him. It broke his heart, seeing his boyfriend, seeing the man he loved so worked up, so broken over this. The older man was still trying to get away from him, but Brian grabbed him by the hand, forcing him to stop moving. "Brock, look at me, please." He begged, turning him around. Their eyes met once more, which caused another wave of tears. Brian wiped them away gently with his thumb. "I love you." It was a long shot, and he doubt that this would be enough. He had hurt Brock, caused him to close up and draw inwards on himself, and now he didn't know if he'd be able to get him open again.

Brock shook his head, eyes glancing away from Brian as he grabbed the younger man's hands and removed them from his face. "You have to tell your parents. You have to tell them you don't want to be with her. Because I can't do this again Brian..." He explained. "You can't keep hurting me."

"I know." Brian nodded, "And I'm so sorry... I never meant for it to be like this."

The confrontation died down, thankfully, but Brock's heart was still hammering away in his chest. Anxiety still bothered him. It was quiet between them, all the tension dissipating in that moment. And all Brock's feelings went from angry to vulnerable, as his doe eyes met Brian's for the umpteenth time in that short moment. "Stay with me?" It came out in a whisper, but he _wanted_ Brian, and he couldn't let him go anymore after this. The Irishman only nodded, agreeing to stay with his boyfriend.

They shared a quick kiss before he mumbled, "Always."


	19. i still want it all

The night was quiet in its early hours, air reeking of pizza and other miscellaneous takeout food items that Brock had ordered for the evening. After the confrontation with Brian, he hadn't felt like cooking anymore. He was physically and emotionally drained, completely worn out from the events that happened earlier. He still couldn't wrap his head around everything, even after letting it settle into his bones, and it made him get a migraine. He couldn't make his eyes focus on the television in front of him as he laid in Brian's lap, the younger man running nimble fingers through his short tufts of hair. He had to admit, it was nice having the Irishman here, but still, after everything, Brock was skeptical at best.

A sigh escaped Brian's lips in the dark living room, and he shifted his weight on the couch, "You're still thinking about it aren't you?" But honestly, he didn't blame Brock for drawing inwards on himself, for being a prisoner of his own thoughts. It took him a long time to open up to Brian, to let his full self be exposed. And now, all that trust was gone, all that openness had retracted. Brian knew he would have to coax Brock back open again, which was proving to be a difficult task already. They had eaten food, and retreated to the couch to watch a movie, where not another word was spoken. Brock was too busy thinking, and Brian was too busy trying to figure out what was going on in Brock's head.

Brock didn't even turn to look at Brian, he only continued his concentration of the man's fingers entering and exiting his hair. "I can't help it." He stated numbly, the wound still fresher than ever. "It's not like I'll be able to just forget about it." His voice was low, and he couldn't help but to let Brian's words from earlier enter his mind. The Irishman had told him that he loved him, but did he mean it? Brock was questioning everything he thought he knew now because of the heartbreak. But honestly, it was the only logical thing to do. He had to be cautious, be careful, because even though he reciprocated Brian's love, he had to be wary, had to be alert. Heartbreak was not a feeling he wanted to feel again any time soon.

"I'm sorry." The younger man said for what felt like the umpteenth time that night.

Brock turned his head slightly so that he was finally looking up at Brian through his lashes. "You don't have to keep saying sorry."

"Yeah... But I feel like I have to, like I should, you know?" He answered, stopping his ministrations with his hands if only for a few moments. His voice was soft, a murmur in the dark living room while the television played almost quietly in the background. "We can talk about it... If you want, if you think it'll make you feel better." He suggested. All in all, Brian did still feel bad about the whole ordeal, he felt bad for hurting Brock, _his_ Brocky, and he would do anything he could to take it all back. He wished it didn't have to happen like this, but it did, and now they had to focus on building their relationship back up from the ground. Trust, communication, and reciprocity would be the foundation, and those things were essential, especially now.

The older man nodded, "How long have you known her?" He inquired. "And please, be honest with me, Brian." He knew these questions would probably only cause him to hurt more, but he was curious, he wanted to know these things. And maybe, if he had all the information, he would be at a peace of mind knowing he had all the truth. That is, if Brian chose to tell the truth.

Brian wracked his brain for an answer, "To be honest, my family has known her family pretty much all my life... But I didn't officially meet her until I started college. We had a class together, I helped her sometimes when she needed it." He explained, crystal eyes melting into Brock's darker ones. Her name was never spoken, and he never went into detail about anything he thought would cause Brock pain. "My dad brought it up one day that we were going to school together, and he said I should take her out, so I did... Well, and that was when you and I first started getting to know each other, I didn't think anything of it." He finished. "But since then, I've been trapped, Brock. And it's hard to tell people that. But it was never serious, I promise you that." A lump was growing in his throat, and he didn't like the way he was feeling.

"I just can't believe... All these years we've been friends, and it never came up once?" The older man questioned.

"Like I said," Brian began. "It wasn't a big deal. She didn't mean anything, she never did."

"But you told Tom?"

"He asked what my plans were for LA, and it must have slipped out." He answered. In truth, he was kind of glad it came out. It started the slippery slope, put everything in motion so that he was forced to confront his problems. Now they were all out, now he could deal with them as needed. He could finally be with Brock, he could finally be happy. "And I'm sorry it had to happen like this Brock... I just never expected us to... You know?" He rubbed the back of his neck as he rambled. "But I promise you, you're my number one priority now. I've never felt this way about anyone before." He continued, and Brock drank in his words happily, humming with a small smile.

He waited before he spoke again, with an odd question. "Is she going to be okay when you tell her you want to be with someone else?" The older man asked, knowing that s _he_ was probably going to get hurt from all of this as well. It was never a good situation when heartbreak was involved, and after all, from Brian's words, they had been together for some time.

Brian nodded, "She'll be alright... It's my parents that I'm worried about, but I'll make do. As long as I have you, everything will be fine." He gave a cheeky grin, eyes lighting up in the darkness, and right there in that moment, Brock concluded that despite everything that they had been through, despite all the hardships and struggles in their short relationship, he was happy. This is what he wanted, and this is where he wanted to be with Brian. Only time would give way to the conclusion, and he hoped it would be a happy one for both of their sakes. It was quiet between them for a moment again, the only sound was the muffled noises of the TV, until Brian spoke again after some time. "Is that all that was on your mind?" He inquired.

Brock could feel his face warming up, heat pooling to his cheeks as he laid in his boyfriend's lap. He did have one more question, but he was slightly embarrassed to say it out loud. "I did have one more question..." He trailed off, burying his face in Brian's thighs, hiding there, avoiding his gaze. The younger man just nodded, as if encouraging him to go out. "Did you sleep with her?" Brock deadpanned. And he didn't know why he asked that question, whether it was sheer jealously, or just pure curiosity, but he wanted to know. Plus, he and Brian were being completely open and honest with each other, so that gave him courage to say what was on his mind.

The Irishman couldn't help but to let out a small chuckle, "No, we never did anything together Brocky." He answered, and the older man let out a sigh of relief that he didn't know he was holding in. And this time, it was Brian's turn to blush, his pale cheeks pink in color. "Believe it or not, I've never been with anybody in that way." He concluded. "I want it to be with someone I love." Brock didn't know what to say at that, because he definitely didn't take Brian for that type of guy. Even if they were best friends, they had never openly discussed their sex lives with each other, that was something that guy friends just didn't do. But now, in a relationship with one another, it seemed kind of vital.

"Thank you, for being honest with me." The older man said.

"I mean, after everything? You deserve at least that." Brian replied, leaning down to kiss his boyfriend gently on the forehead.

"Brian?" Brock asked.

"Hm?"

Brock hesitated before he spoke, "Did you mean it when you said you loved me earlier?"

"Of course I did Brocky, I'll mean it every time." Brian answered in a heartbeat.

The older man let a smile grace his face, "In that case, I love you too." They remained on the couch for a little while longer, same movie still flashing on the screen in front of them. Brock, drifting in and out of sleep, eyes heavy and tired from the day's events. It wasn't until Brian shook his shoulder and asked him to come to bed when he realized how late it was. But he went, reluctantly, to his bedroom in the back of the house, Brian following right behind him. They crawled into bed together, and into each other's arms. And for right now, they were happy in their own little world, but Brian knew it was only a matter of time before hell and havoc came crashing down on them.


	20. a heart that beats so slow

When morning came, it was groggy, slow, and Brock was sure that he had been dreaming this entire time. Especially when he woke to find Brian's arms wrapped tightly around his torso, and his nose gently nestled in his short tufts of hair. But after giving it some thought and recollecting the events of the previous day, he concluded that this was in fact, not a dream, and that Brian was here with him, and that everything at the moment was okay. Everything was okay, and everything was going to be okay. He had to admit, he was still a bit skeptical, but he was going to try to not let it get to him. Brock wanted to focus on the happiness, he wanted to focus on Brian.

The sun was bright, and Brock could tell already that it was going to be a nice day. It was still relatively early, so he decided to relish and revel in the bed for a bit longer. He soaked up the warmth of Brian, enjoyed the feeling of his bare skin on his own, and tried not to wake him up. The younger man truly was beautiful, inside and out, and Brock knew that he couldn't be mad at him anymore. It wasn't his fault that he was stuck in a bad situation, and Brock understood that now. However, it still didn't help the insecurities he still had running through his head, and the doubts as well. He tried his best to just forget, but even if he could forget for even a moment, the thoughts were still there, lingering in the crook of his mind. Brock was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard a tired voice from beside him. "Penny for your thoughts?" Brian's voice was hoarse, thick with sleep, and his words were slow as he tightened his grip around Brock's body. He must have woken without the older man knowing.

Brock turned to look at him, studying his bright blue eyes in the morning light. "It's nothing..." He trailed off, letting his hands roam the younger man's chest, fingers playing in the hair splayed about there. "Don't worry." A small grin found his face, and he kissed his boyfriend on the cheek, reassuring him in his doubtful thoughts. "How did you sleep?" He inquired, changing the subject. They had talked about all of this enough yesterday, and now, Brock just wanted to forget, or at least suppress what he could. He wanted to make the most of this with Brian, well, simply because he loved that man with everything in his being.

"Really good," Brian answered with a small grin. "Aside from your snoring."

Brock rolled his eyes, "Yeah, well, you talk."

"No I don't!" The Irishman protested through bouts of laughter.

"Yes, you do." Brock chuckled in return as he rolled over on his back. "Breakfast date?" He asked, glancing back over at Brian who was stretching his stiff muscles. The younger man merely agreed, and the two got out of bed to start their day. Brock took him to one of his favorite places to eat, and he swore up and down that they had the best waffles he'd ever tasted. But the date went well, and Brian concluded that this is exactly what he needed with Brock. They needed to spend time with each other, needed to go on dates, needed to build everything that they had back up. So he remained in Utah for quite some time, and during that time, he gave Brock the relationship that he had wanted and deserved. He wanted to show him that he loved him, and that he loved him well.

They went on dates here and there, out to dinner, to the movies, or even just having nights in, which was Brock's favorite. He loved being able to stay home and cook dinner, then snuggle on the couch with Brian afterwards. They made videos together, Brian using Brock's set up to keep his channel active. And little by little, bit by bit, they gained back their trust and love. However, their relationship was anything but _normal,_ considering their recent circumstances and everything that they had been through. But even though it wasn't normal, they pretended it was. And they were happy with the way things were, and with the way things were going. Brock couldn't ask for more.

"So you guys are alright now?" Vanoss asked one night as he, Brock, and a few others played some grand theft auto. Brian was napping in the living room, and the older man used this free time to straighten up the house and play with his other friends that he'd been neglecting because of Brian. Of course, they were his friends, so he was going to keep them informed on everything, especially Evan, who was worried about him the most. He had witnessed the breakdown, and that's why he was so concerned for the older man in the first place. But everyone else cared about Brock too, so they weren't too happy when they found out what had been going on between he and Brian and the whole girlfriend situation. "You gotta let us know something," He trailed off.

"Because I will definitely beat Brian's ass if I need to," Tyler chimed in.

"No need for any ass beating right now." Brock laughed, "Everything is really great."

"Are you sure?" Marcel questioned.

"I'm really sure." Brock hummed, a smile surfacing as the Irishman centered his thoughts. "We're just kind of taking things slow since everything happened... And I don't mind that at all, it's actually really nice. We're planning to go back to LA soon, and I think he's going to invite you guys over... We've been talking about that a lot." He rambled on as he pressed buttons feverishly on his controller. Which was true. The guys had never gotten to see Brian's new apartment, a party was much needed. That's why he and Brock had agreed on a date to head to LA together, and after the party, they would separate for a bit, considering that had been together for some time now.

"I'm still gonna beat his ass." Tyler added, causing a laugh from everyone once more.

"I mean, if you still need to, feel free." Brock got out, shrugging his shoulders.

Marcel interrupted the laugh, "But does the girl know though?" He questioned, causing everyone to quiet down. "Like, has he told her that he wants to be with you?" He added, and that caused Brock to quiet down. Did Brian tell the girl that he didn't want to be with her anymore? He honestly didn't know, and that was a question he would have to remember to bring up to the younger man later. How could he let that question slip his mind? He hoped and prayed with every fiber in his being that Brian had taken care of it, because if not, that was just going to be another fuck up on his part. And Brock didn't want to mess up the way things were. Hopefully, Brian knew better.

"I'm not sure if he did," Brock answered the question honestly.

"Red flag," Marcel replied. "You better ask him."

As if on cue, Brian walked into Brock's office, fresh from his nap. "You still in here playing?" He inquired, approaching the older man, wrapping his arms around him, pressing a kiss into his temple. The other guys playing must have heard him because they all _oohed_ and _awed_ in response. Brock could feel a quick blush rising to his cheeks at the public display of affection. But nevertheless, he turned his head and met Brian's lips, and they shared a quick smooch.

It was late, and Brock had been playing for awhile, "Yeah, you want to play?" He asked, dark eyes meeting his boyfriend's. But the younger man politely declined, and headed back to bed. Truth be told, Brock was growing pretty tired himself, and now that Marcel had brought that question to his attention, it was all that was on his mind. "I think I'm gonna go too guys." The older man said, as he prepared to shut down his consoles. "I'll talk to you guys later." He finished.

"Bye Brock, we're here if you need anything." The guys bid their farewells before Brock turned his console off, and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, before heading into the bedroom, where Brian laid in the bed, scrolling through his phone. He found himself shrugging out of his shirt and crawling into the bed, where immediately Brian's arms found him.

"Hey." He grinned up at him, looking through his long lashes. And he wasn't going to waste any time, he was going to get right into it and ask the question that had been nonstop floating in his mind since Marcel brought it up.

"Hey," Brian replied, tightening his arms around the older man in a gentle grip.

"Can I ask you something?" Brock asked.

"Anything." The Irishman answered in a heartbeat.

"You did break up with _her,_ right?" He questioned, heartbeat picking up as soon as those dreaded words left his lips. Maybe he shouldn't have asked... It wasn't any of his business, was it? But of course it was! Brian was his boyfriend, and he deserved to know these kinds of things, especially considering their perilous predicament.

"Of course I did." Brian said, bringing his hand up to cup Brock's cheek. "You think after all this time I would do that to you and not tell her?" He questioned. "I did it the very next day, Brocky... Don't worry." He answered truthfully, and the older man let out a sigh of relief that he didn't know he was holding in. At least Brian was finally being honest with him, and was able to put his many doubts away. He was glad, and all he could do was smile and give him another kiss. "I love you, you know?" Brian murmured against his skin, the warmth being too much.

Brock hummed in response, "Yeah, I know."


	21. we're getting deeper in this mess

Plane tickets were purchased, and Brian and Brock were readying to head back to Brian's apartment, back to LA. And Brock had to admit, he was pretty excited to be going back, since his last trip was sort of ruined and cut short by the oncoming events. It was sort of going to be a make up trip, and more time he got to spend with Brian. Once they got to California, preparations would be made for the rest of the guys to come visit as well. Brian had lived in his new apartment for almost two months now, and they had yet to even see it. He was pretty excited about having them come over. All in all, things were going quite well, and they were so glad they were. They would revel in the happiness while they had it, because deep down, Brian didn't know how long it was going to last.

"You got everything packed?" He had asked, watching as Brock shoved the last few items he needed into his suitcase.

The older man nodded, "Just about." He answered as he zipped the bag. "I'm really excited, honestly."

"Me too." Brian replied. He had always loved LA, and he couldn't wait to spend even more time with Brock there. Having the other guys too, would only make things better than they already were. And Brian was excited to romance the hell out of Brock, take him on more dates, et cetera... The younger man had a few tricks up his sleeve, and he was pumped to say the least. "Flight leaves pretty soon." He added, helping his boyfriend stuff the suitcases so they could be zipped up.

"I know," Brock answered. "I'm just trying to make sure I don't forget anything."

Once he was all packed and ready to go, and Brian had his things gathered up as well, they interlaced their fingers together and headed out to the car. A twenty minute drive, and they finally arrived to the airport, excitement running through their veins. It wasn't long before their plane left, so they made their way to the departing flight gate, and boarded the plane. Brian took the window seat, only because Brock didn't like flying very much. And after that, they waited patiently for the flight to begin. Brian leaned his head on Brock's shoulder, rolling his eyes, "God I'm bored already." He managed to drawl out, causing the older man to let out a laugh.

"Take a nap," Brock replied nonchalantly, placing a quick kiss on his boyfriend's forehead.

"Good idea." Brian grinned. And the younger man did just that, linking his hands with Brock's as they rested on the armrest, and he drifted into a peaceful sleep while the plane readied for take off. The flight was a short one, which was good. Brock hated being cramped on a plane for too long, so in that moment, he was grateful that Utah wasn't very far from California. In the meantime, he listened to music, played around on his phone to occupy the time, all while Brian breathed easily and slept on his shoulder. Brock never thought he could love like this, love someone _this much_ , but he was wrong. He didn't even like to think of how much he loved Brian, because it honestly scared him, and he hoped Brian felt the same way about him.

It wasn't long before the pilot came over the intercom and announced the plane would be landing soon. Brock merely reached over and shook Brian lightly so the man would wake up. "Bri?" He shook him once more. "Wake up, plane's gonna land." He continued, until finally, the Irishman's blue eyes fluttered open, and he stifled a yawn as he sat up in his seat. LA was bright, blue, and sunny like always, and it damn sure felt good to be back as they got off the plane, luggage in tow, as they maneuvered through the crowded airport hand and hand. It felt good to be public with their relationship, it felt good to just be together, and Brock had to admit, he could definitely get used to this.

They managed to get a cab, and climbed into the back seat together, hands never becoming unlinked. As anticipated, the cab ride was a long one, due to the traffic, but the couple was able to keep themselves easily occupied as they jumped back and forth in simple, easy conversation. Brock wouldn't admit it out loud, but hurt lingered in the back of his chest, at the bottom of his ribcage as the familiar LA surroundings came into view. They brought back painful memories from the last time he was here, the last time he saw _her_. He tried not to let it get to him, tried to focus on Brian, because now, they were here together, they were here to make memories with each other, and he was going to be happy and not worry about a thing.

When the cab finally arrived to Brian's apartment, the two men shuffled out of the car and headed to Brian's building. "Home sweet home!" Brian exclaimed.

"Feels weird being back," Brock commented, trying to make conversation as the younger man fumbled with the key in the door. It was right here, on this very step, where Brock got his heart broken, and it was a bit bittersweet if he were being honest with himself. But nevertheless, things were so different now, and that was such a good thing. He and Brian had an amazing thing going for themselves, and the heartbreak, or the ex girlfriend never had to be brought up again. It was all taken care of, or at least, that's what Brock was hoping for.

"Yeah," The Irishman agreed, but when he opened the door to his apartment, it didn't feel weird at all. This was home, and even to Brock, this was home. The apartment was the exact same as it was two and a half months ago when Brian first moved in and he and Brock had moved the furniture to their liking. This is where they cooked dinner for each other, where they stayed awake into the early morning hours trying to beat each other at video games, where they fell deeper and deeper in love with each other and didn't even know it. It was a dysfunctional type of nostalgia, and Brock could feel a warming feeling coming into his chest, making butterflies swarm in his stomach.

They sat their luggage down by the front door, shutting it behind them, and that's when Brock pulled Brian in for a quick kiss, lips brushing gently. He didn't know why or what for, but it felt needed, necessary, for him to show some kind of physical affection towards the younger man. Brian kissed him back, wrapping his lengthy arms around his boyfriend, savoring the moment. This feeling he was feeling, Brock had never kissed him like that. It was a mixture of different emotions, but it felt beneficent, and right, and raw. When they separated from one another, the older man was blushing. "Sorry," He apologized, a small smile gracing him.

Brian chuckled, squeezing him, "Don't apologize Brocky."

Evan would be the first to arrive out of their friends, since he lived the closet to them, but he still wasn't coming for another few hours. Brian and Brock had some much needed time to themselves, and if they were being honest with themselves, they were pretty worn out from the flight. So, after a much needed snack, they napped together on the tiny couch, their bodies wrapped around each other so acutely, it was almost a miracle how they fit there on the couches with one another. And this, Brock knew, was something he could get really used to. His whole life with Brian, he could get used to, and Brian felt the exact same way. They were in too deep with each other now, the love too strong.

A few hours later, Brock was woken up by a knock on the door. His dark eyes fluttered open, and he carefully untangled himself from Brian's arms, before going to answer it. It was nearing evening in LA, so it had to be Evan. When Brock opened the door, his assumptions were correct, and it indeed was Evan, along with Wildcat. "Hey, I picked up Tyler." He grinned, before allowing himself to come inside. "And I talked to everyone else already, they are on their way." He continued, shutting the door behind himself and Tyler.

Brock stifled a yawn, "Awesome..." He trailed off, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, trying to wake himself up for the sake of his friends. They had plans tonight, and were going to go out when the rest of the guys got in from their flights. Brock didn't know what they were going to do tonight, but he didn't care, he was going to be with his friends and boyfriend, and he was going to be happy. It was sure to be a good time.

"Where's Brian?" Evan inquired, and Brock merely gestured to the couch where the Irishman was still very much, fast asleep.

It was quiet for a few seconds, before Wildcat spoke up. "Oh fuck yes!" Tyler exclaimed, carefully maneuvering his way to Brian. "Let's draw dicks on his face!" He got out through laughter, and Brock laughed along with him. Typical Tyler, but hell, that was to be expected of the tall man.

"Jesus christ Tyler, what are you, twelve?" Evan questioned, rolling his eyes.

"Yes."


	22. and it's my mistake

When Brian woke up, it was to a noisy apartment and Tyler's wheezing laugh. "I can't believe you fucking did that!" However, it was Marcel's loud voice that actually brought him out of his nap on the couch. He must have been tired, because he slept through all of his friends arriving at the apartment for their night together. He could hear Brock's voice though, above everyone else, and that caused him to sit up on the couch, and stretch his stiff muscles. Falling asleep on the sofa was never a good thing, and he couldn't even imagine how he and Brock fit on this damned tiny thing. But he stood up nonetheless, his back screaming in protest, and headed into the kitchen where everyone was, all while running a hand through his tousled hair.

"Good evening sleepyhead." Brock greeted as soon as he spotted his boyfriend. Their friends were crowded around the small kitchen table, eating food that Brock had probably prepared, but as soon as they spotted Brian, their laughter couldn't be contained. Hell, even his own boyfriend couldn't help but to let out a few chuckles himself. All the while, the younger man just stood in the doorway of the kitchen, dumbfounded at what the hell all his friends were cracking up about. They hadn't even been here that long and already he was sick of them.

"What?" Brian asked annoyed. "What did you fuckers do this time?"

"...Nothing." Tyler managed to get out through his wheezing laughter.

Mini's laugh was the loudest, "Jesus fucking christ!" He almost screamed. But this was the norm. They were always picking on Brian one way or another, so this little situation wasn't any different than before. Brian was used to it, and he couldn't help the smile gracing his face as he stood there in the kitchen doorway while his friends, and his boyfriend laughed at him. "Tyler, you are such a shitty friend," Craig continued.

"I know!" He wheezed.

Amidst the chaos, Brian's blue eyes found Brock, "You too Brock? Come on, what's going on?" He made his way over to the older man, wrapping his arms around his broad frame, causing a few groans by the others. But Brock never said a word. However, he merely grabbed his phone from the counter, and put it on the front camera so Brian could get a good look at himself. "Aw what the fuck!?" He managed to yell, while the kitchen erupted with laughter, Brock's laugh overpowering the rest. Tyler had did what he said he was going to, and drew all over Brian's face with a black marker. "You guys are assholes!" He gave his boyfriend back his phone before storming upstairs to the bathroom to wash his face.

"Aw, don't be a poor sport," Brock called out with bouts of leftover laughter.

"I told you he would react that way." Evan said as a matter of fact.

"I mean if I woke up with dicks on my face I'd be pretty pissed too." Nogla got out. When Brian returned from the bathroom upstairs, he was still teased relentlessly by his so called friends. But once they finally got that out of their system, they readied to head out for the night. Since it was only the first night of them being in LA, going out for drinks was voted for their plans for the evening. Tom had even decided to meet them at their bar of choice to hang out for a bit. Rest and relaxation was the main goal as they all settled in a rather large booth, cracking open their bottles of beer and making jokes. Through unwanted public displays of affection, and dirty inside jokes, Brian and Brock were able to disgust the other guys, and they were having a great time in doing so.

"Aw come on guys," Marcel waived it off. "I didn't fly all the way out here for that shit."

"Me either." Lui added.

"Oh shut up," Brian replied, sipping his beer. However, it was nice to just be with the boys again, despite everything. And he hadn't seen them in a while, so that was a plus as well. It kind of made it feel like the whole girlfriend thing with Brock had never happened. They were happy, they were happy with their friends, and all was as it should be. And drinking was always a good way to help them unwind and relax, even if they were being assholes to each other in the process. However, it was late when they all decided to call it a night. There was no way in hell Brian's new, small apartment would be able to hold all the guys, so some were staying with Evan, and some were staying a nearby hotel, but they were all staying in LA.

Brock hadn't drank much, so he was the designated driver of Brian's car, while the rest of the guys had fit in a cab, or rode with Evan or Tom. The night was late, and they were tired, but all in all, they still had a good time, and tomorrow hanging out would be even better. The cab, along with the rest of the cars, stopped at Brian's apartment first, and the guys all grouped up there before heading their separate ways to hotels and what not. However, as soon as Brian was about to head inside, following Brock, he felt Vanoss grab onto his shoulder and stop him, with Tyler right by his side. "Hey Brian, you care if we talk for a second?" Evan asked.

The younger man was very confused, but agreed nonetheless. "Yeah sure, what's up?" He questioned as the asian pulled him to the side. This was unlike Evan completely, so that's why Brian was confused. Tyler on the other hand, was the complete opposite. He'd expect this from someone like him, but still, this was completely random, and the Irishman had no idea what they were doing. Nevertheless though, this was something that had been eating Evan alive for some time. He had been itching for the chance to talk to Brian in person. And even though things between he and Brock were going well at the moment, that didn't mean that the future was irrelevant or that the past was forgotten. This had to be addressed, and Evan knew he wouldn't feel better unless he took care of it, and Tyler vowed to back him up.

"Alright, look, I'm just gonna be completely honest with you," Evan started. "We all know what happened with Brock, okay?" It was a statement, and at that, Brian could feel his heartbeat speeding up. Just what in the world was Evan getting at here? He had no idea what to say, so he just listened to the younger man as he spoke in concern for his friend. "So you don't have to pretend like it didn't happen... You don't have to keep it a secret from us, we all already know... And I just wanted to let you know that we're not mad at you." He continued. "We don't know what kind of situation you're in, and all that shit..."

"But it really hurt Brock," Tyler stepped in.

Evan nodded, "Yeah, and we're just looking out for him."

"So it better not happen again." Tyler warned.

Brian let a scoff slip, but it was definitely not intentional. "Guys, I appreciate what you're trying to do, and I'm sure Brock appreciates it too... But I assure you. Something like _that_ is never going to happen again. I love Brock, I am _in love_ with Brock, and I never meant to hurt him in the first place. It was just kind of like... A wrong place at the wrong time situation?" He continued to explain as his crystal blue eyes bored into both Evan and Wildcat. "We're doing really good, and that's why we invited you guys over in the first place. Because we were all out of our own drama and we just wanted to have fun. And I'm telling the truth, honest." He finally finished. He couldn't believe Evan and Tyler had the audacity to do something like this, but all and all they were just looking out for Brock, and he didn't blame them. What happened was intense.

But Evan seemed to believe him and let him off the hook for now. "Alright." He nodded. "Don't hate us, we're just trying to be good friends."

"No I get it." He answered.

"But if it happens again," Tyler interrupted. "I will kick your ass."

Brian laughed, "If it happens again, I want you to kick my ass." Vanoss laughed at that as well and Brian bid he and Tyler and the rest of the guys farewell. "Get home safe!" He called out. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." He said before heading inside to join Brock who was already tucked in the bed and waiting for his boyfriend. They were tired and it was late so it didn't take long for them to doze off to sleep together. They needed their rest because tomorrow with the guys all day was going to be nothing but draining; but it would be fun as well, and that was just what Brian and Brock needed in their lives right now.


	23. you always get your way

"So have you guys like... You know... Done the thing?"

Brian chuckled, "Only _you_ would ask that question Nogla."

"What!? I was just asking!" He replied, growing agitated. He and Brian had gone to the store to pick up a few things for tonight's so called party. They were getting drinks and food to cook for dinner, while Brock was back at the apartment entertaining the others. It was still early in the day, and they had started it with an all you can eat breakfast at Brock's favorite place, and then played each other in some video games back at the apartment. It was nice, just getting to hang out with each other, spend time together. After today, the guys would be going back to their homes, and Brian and Brock would be left alone together once more. Brian knew Brock was going home after that; they would have to separate for a bit, go back to their normal lives without each other.

"I don't think that's any of your business, either way." Brian got out as he looked over the collection of beer, debating what drinks to get for the guys. "But no, we haven't." He answered Nogla's question with a roll of his gentle blue eyes. Had he thought about it? Of course he did. He was immensely attracted to Brock, but on the other hand, because of their situation, he was sort of waiting on Brock to make the first move. He didn't want to try anything to hasty, or anything that the older man was uncomfortable with. They were taking things slow, and the other guys knew that, which was why the subject of everything had yet to come up.

"Fair enough." Nogla replied, deciding to leave it alone. "I saw Tyler and Evan talking to you last night, what was all that about?"

Brian grabbed some beer from the shelf, packing it down the aisle. "They're just looking out for Brock... Which I don't blame them, I was kind of an asshole."

"You're not an asshole." The taller man quickly replied. "Is this all the beer we're getting?" He inquired as Brian handed him some things to carry.

Brian nodded, "Yeah, it should be enough... I just want everyone to have a good time tonight, and I know Evan said that you guys aren't mad at me for hurting Brock, but I can't help but to feel like it's awkward, and that you guys _are_ mad at me." He explained to his friend as they headed to check out, buying their beer and other miscellaneous items for the night. It was true though. Ever since Wildcat and Vanoss came to him last night and expressed how they felt, Brian couldn't help but to feel a bit guilty. The truth was out, and no matter how hard he tried, he could never undo it. And even if he did make it right, it still didn't make it go away. Evan's words haunted him, and all he wanted more than ever was to make Brock happy.

"Brian look," Nogla began, stopping the other Irishman and turning him around. "If we were mad at you, we wouldn't have showed up. You and Brock are doing great, and the details of your relationship are none of our business."

Brian smirked, "Says the person who was just asking about my sex life five minutes ago."

Daithi chuckled, "I'm serious. You guys just do your thing... Don't pay any mind to me or the other guys, and if you need our help somewhere down the line, we'll be there." He explained, patting his friend on the shoulder. "Now let's get back so they don't worry." He said, and Brian nodded, giving him a smile as they paid for their stuff, and began the drive back to the apartment. The LA traffic wasn't too bad today, so getting back home wasn't really a hassle. When he and Nogla pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex, Wildcat and Marcel's screams could be heard from the outside. Hurriedly, Brian shut off the car, and grabbed the beer before rushing inside. What in the world were they yelling about? But it was revealed when he and Nogla entered, that the two were merely screaming about a very intense game of rocket league that happened to be going on at the moment.

"Jesus, you guys can't be screaming like that," Brian got out as he shut the door behind him, Nogla's chuckles surfacing from the background. "Almost gave me a heart attack... You know the neighbors will call the cops?"

"Quit bein' a bitch." Tyler replied nonchalantly.

Brian merely shook his head before taking the beer into the kitchen, where he found Brock and Evan sitting. "Way to hold down the fort, Brock." He grinned, before leaning down to kiss him. The older man kissed back, feverishly, Evan playfully gagging in reply. "How was everyone? Hope I wasn't gone too long." He managed against his boyfriend's lips before pulling away and placing the cases of beer on the table. If they were this loud sober, he could only imagine how they would be once they had a bit of alcohol in their system.

"They've been screaming like that for an hour now... And I was not getting in the way." He said simply.

"At least you got the good stuff," Evan commented, plucking a beer from the center of the table, and popping it open.

"Hey!" Brian protested, "No beer until after dinner!"

Evan rolled his eyes, "Alright mom."

Craig helped Brock with dinner, (well as much as he could help considering he didn't know how to cook very well), and it broiled away on the stove while the rest of the guys took turns playing each other in video games as well as sipping on the alcoholic beverages. Most of them could handle their liquor well, and Brian was thankful for that. He didn't want to be dealing with any of his friends while they were overly drunk. Even though Brock was staying after the guys went home, Brian couldn't help but to feel a slight gravitational pull towards him. He wanted to be near him, and throughout the night, that's where he found himself; right by his boyfriend's side. He couldn't help but to give small touches whenever they were close, and at the dinner table? They played footsie with each other and allowed their fingers to intertwine when the rest of the guys weren't looking. It was a good way to spend the night.

"You guys are absolutely disgusting." Marcel got out.

"I'll agree with that." Lui added. "Next time we visit you two are being separated."

Nogla smiled, "I think it's kind of cute."

"You would," Tyler retorted.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" He questioned, causing laughs from the other guys. The rest of the night followed in a similar manner. Jokes, alcohol, video games, and the constant public displays of affection courtesy of Brian and Brock. The alcohol ran out quickly, and most of the guys were at least slightly drunk, except for Brian. He chose to opt out of the night's festivities. However, it was late, when they all decided to call it a night. This would be the last time they saw each other all together for a while, and the whole thought was a bit bittersweet. Nonetheless though, Brian and Brock helped their friends get all their stuff packed up, making sure none of them forgot anything, and called them cabs for each of them to get back to their respective homes and hotel rooms safely.

Evan was a little too drunk when he bid Brock farewell, "Brock, I swear if you need anything, just call me." His speech was slurred, and all Brock could do was smile and laugh because he too, was equally intoxicated. Vanoss was such a good friend, but if he were being honest with himself right now, things felt good. He still had a few more days to spend with Brian before he headed back to Utah, and he was feeling good about them, at least for now. And he hoped that they would be able to stay that way. "I'll see you around," He waved, before climbing into the already crowded cab with the others. The hard part was over. Brian was glad that his friends got to come see his new apartment and even stay in LA for a few days, but now, it was just he and Brock alone, and the older man had had just a bit too much to drink.

Brian helped him back inside, hands steady on his waist, around his back. "You okay?" He inquired, taking him to the bedroom.

The older man hummed sleepily as he fell back on the bed, his breath hot and reeking of liquor, "Just tired." He got out, pulling Brian down on the bed with him. The two laid there in bed beside each other, eyes meeting again and again, and Brock wasn't sure if it was a revelation in that moment, or if he had just always known; but he was inevitably in love with Brian. He was so in love and no matter what happened, no matter what they went through, he would always love him. "I love you," He got out in an exhale, running his hands through the Irishman's messy hair.

Brian grinned, "I love you too." He kissed his cheek. "You're drunk, aren't you?"

Brock nodded, laughing, "A little."


	24. i'm left here in the dust

A couple of days later, reluctantly, Brock bought a one way ticket back to Utah. His flight left in three days, and that meant only three more days he had to spend with Brian. He was a little sad to say the least, but he knew they'd be able to make the most of things. He stared at Brian's computer screen, purchase still fresh, and sighed. It would feel odd going home, it would feel odd in three days when he woke up in the bed without Brian. Nonetheless, he would adjust, but still, he was dreading the situation. As if reading his mind, Brian walked into the small office where Brock was slouched over in the desk chair. "You don't have to go," He spoke in that Irish lilt, voice soft, uncertain, almost as if he didn't want Brock to leave either.

"Yes, I do." Brock turned around to face him in the chair. Albeit, he would give anything to just be able to stay with Brian, but he couldn't afford to move to LA now, and his house in Utah was still new, freshly moved into as well. There was no way he could just leave his house and set for California... Maybe not now, but later in his life. And he hadn't been home for awhile; there were some things he had to take care of there. "But it's not like I'm not coming back," He tried to persuade, mostly to himself rather than Brian. And that was true, even though he was going home, he'd be back here with his boyfriend in about a month or so. There was no way he could go any longer without Brian.

"Let's just make these three days the best we can, yeah?" The Irishman replied, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's lips. Brock agreed, kissing him in return, before they headed off to bed. Brock concluded that laying in Brian's arms at night was what he would miss the most. The way they wrapped around him so precisely, the way his soft skin felt against his own. He'd go back to sleeping by himself, and there would be no more curious fingers brushing his body, no more sighed kisses and hums of I love you, no more Brian snoring as loudly as he could, and no more good morning smooches and smiles. The older man was making himself sad as he laid beside his boyfriend who was now asleep. He had to positive about this, or else it would absolutely wreck him when he got back to his home state.

On the first of the three days, Brian treated Brock to breakfast in bed. He made all his favorite breakfast foods, and knowing Brock, it was all of them. Even though the younger man wasn't the best chef, Brock appreciated the gesture, and he found himself thanking Brian way too much throughout the morning. After their breakfast, they readied to head out for the day. Brian drug his boyfriend all through LA again, stopping at wherever his heart desired. Stores, cinemas, arcades, etc... Ultimately though, by the end of the day, they had managed to make their way to the beach; more importantly, the beach where they had their first kiss. It was on that faithful night at the carnival, where the two men finally confessed their ever growing feelings for each other.

"You brought me here on purpose, didn't you?" Brock teased as they walked along the dock hand in hand.

"Maybe," Brian grinned as the setting sun cast an orange glow on the bodies.

Brock sighed, his eyes drifting to the slightly taller man, "I really am going to miss you." Without his presence, things just wouldn't feel right. And without his touch, without his kisses, the older man didn't know how he was going to survive. Sure, he would miss LA as well, but nothing compared to _his_ Brian... Plus, after everything they had been through, he hated long distance, he hated the mere thought of it. What if he and Brian drifted apart once again? What if the girl came back into the picture while he was away? Brock's insecurities began to eat their way through his mind, and maybe that's what he was so afraid of in the first place.

The feeling of Brian's thumb massaging his hand brought him out of his thoughts, "Hey, we still have two more days together, don't get all sentimental on me now, Brocky." That toothy grin surfaced on his lips, and Brock couldn't help but to smile right back. He pushed the negative thoughts out of his head for the moment, and decided to just live in the now. Hell, he was probably just being paranoid in the first place. But still, he couldn't help but to wonder... Was it all a front? Was this all for pretend? How could he tell what was real and what wasn't? "Come on," Brian pulled him out of his thoughts with a wicked grin, "Let's go swimming." The sun hung low in the horizon, and it would be dark soon. The beach would close soon too, but they didn't care. It was warm enough and the water would feel great.

Brock nodded, smiling, "Okay." It didn't take him long before his shoes were kicked off, and his shirts were pulled over his head and laying on the dock. They'd have to swim in their underwear but they didn't care. It was this kind of spontaneous behavior that he loved about Brian; it was this kind of stuff that made their relationship worth while. "Brian, look!" Brock yelled, causing the younger man to look in the direction that his boyfriend was pointing. Brock used that moment to push him off the dock and into the water.

When he surfaced, a look of shock graced his face. "You dick!" He yelled through Brock's loud laughter.

"I'm sorry," He chuckled.

"No you're not!" Brian retorted playfully, splashing water up at him. "Come in, the water is warm." He said, and Brock didn't have to be told twice. He jumped into the water, and into the Irishman's arms. Swimming was a good idea, and the two shared a deep kiss as the sun finally hid itself and the moon took its place. It illuminated against the frothy waves of the ocean, and reflected in their eyes as they couldn't tear themselves away from each other. It was a night well spent, and the two stayed in the water until their skin pruned up and they were shivering from the cold. Brock pulled himself up on the deck, skin wet and boxers clinging to his skin. He held out his hand to help up Brian, who pulled himself up as well. "I think I've got blankets in the car," He said, before running to get them.

From there, they stayed sitting side by side on the edge of the dock, soak and wet, blanket wrapped around their bodies, and hopelessly in love with each other. Words weren't needed as they enjoyed the moonlight above them. But finally, finally Brock spoke, his voice just above a murmur. "You ever wonder what would have happened if I wouldn't have kissed you that night?" He questioned, trying to make conversation.

"Sometimes," Brian answered, leaning his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. "Honestly though," He continued on. "If you wouldn't have kissed me, I probably would have kissed you... The longer you stayed with me, you were driving me crazy Brock." He explained with a lovestruck laugh, smile lingering after he got done talking. And he was telling the absolute truth. When Brock came and stayed with him that first week, that was the week he truly fell in love. Brock might have already had feelings for him, and he too, might have had some previous showing feelings... But that particular week was the icing on the cake. That was when he really knew. And now, he was so in love with Brock, that he couldn't stand it.

The older man chuckled, a sound resonating deep within his chest, "You were driving me crazy way before that."

"I wish you would have said something sooner," Brian got out. "We would have gotten to enjoy this a lot longer."

"The time just wasn't right," Brock answered. "Maybe it still isn't right." He continued with a shrug, his doubts still getting the best of him. Even though Brian had told him countless times that he was his and his only, Brock still couldn't be too sure. Maybe he still had trust issues with the Irishman, maybe he was still scared deep down that he would lose him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Brian asked.

Brock shook his head, "Nothing... We should get home so we don't get sick. It's late." He replied, and Brian agreed. They put their slightly damp clothes on and headed to the car where they rode home in comfortable silence. Brock was trying to stifle his tired yawns, and Brian, well he was just trying to wrap his head around what his boyfriend had said only moments ago. Was he having doubts about their relationship? Or was Brian just putting words in Brock's mouth? Something was going on and he needed to figure it out, needed to get to the bottom of it. But still, he had two more days left with Brock, and he wasn't going to let the issues ruin them. He pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex and shut off the car. Wordlessly, he and Brock exited it, and headed inside where they stripped out of their dirty clothes and into pajamas and sweat pants. They found themselves clinging to each other as they drifted off to sleep.


	25. with the taste of broken trust

On the second of the three days, Brock woke with a mess of feelings lingering in his mind. Brian's arms were wrapped tightly around him, squeezing him almost while he lay still asleep in the big bed. But his mind was chaos, and the dream that he had that night hadn't done anything to help either. Long distance with Brian was not something that he welcomed with open arms, and now that he had slept on it, on those thoughts and emotions, he knew for sure that this was something that he honestly did not want to go through with. He didn't _want_ to leave Brian... He didn't want to risk his ex girlfriend returning, and he didn't want to risk their relationship that was going so well already. Everything was spiraling out of control, and it all led back to the fact that Brian had lied, and Brock clearly still had some trust issues with his boyfriend, even though he didn't want to admit it.

So, he felt distant from Brian as the younger man finally stirred from slumber. He woke with a loud yawn, ruffling the blankets as he turned over to face Brock, "Morning." He greeted, sleepy smile never leaving his face. Brock kissed him, but he could still feel the uneasiness churning around in his gut. What did this all mean? Would these sudden feelings ever go away? But he already knew the answer to that; not until he learned he could trust Brian again, and he didn't know when that would be. It was hard telling, because as the second day went on, those feelings only seemed to get worse, and Brock was drawing inward on himself once again. Brian would have been a fool not to notice. But, he didn't bring it up, because he thought maybe it was just the sadness of them separating that was bringing the older man down.

Today, they spent the day together as well. There was still so much more that they could do in LA, and as long as they were together, Brian didn't care. However, they spent most of the time just hanging around each other, being lazy. After breakfast, they played a few games together for some videos. They'd been doing that a lot lately, uploading with just each other, and after they got done playing video games, they headed out and about into the streets of LA. It was a nice day, so instead of Brian driving, they walked to a nearby park to bask in the sunshine. Conversation was light, and Brian was just trying to figure out what was going on inside Brock's head. "What do you want to do for lunch?" Brock inquired, breaking the silence.

Brian shrugged, startled slightly from the older man's sudden question. "Do you want to go out for lunch?" He asked.

"Yeah," Brock nodded. "That sounds nice." He said, and there was a nearby fast food place so they didn't have to walk very far. Lunch was quiet as well, only small talk being made, and Brian so desperately wanted to ask Brock what was wrong, but he knew that this was not the time and place for it. He made a mental note of it to ask him later, and he hoped that his boyfriend would just be honest with him. Once they were done with lunch, the walk home was slow as they let their food settle. Hand in hand, they strolled the sidewalk, until a few drops of rain had managed to fall from the sky.

"Aw fuck," The Irishman got out as they walked; he blinked the drops away as they landed on his face. Of course, the day they chose to walk it would rain. He then felt Brock squeeze his hand tightly, and they picked up the pace, until suddenly, it began pouring! They laughed as they became drenched running down the sidewalk. It rarely rained in LA, and it had yet to do so since Brian had moved into his new apartment. But as of now, it was raining cats and dogs. The two finally made it to Brian's apartment, and the younger man struggled to get the door open as he fumbled with the key in his slippery hands, wet from the rain. He and Brock were drenched by the time he pushed the door open and got inside. Immediately, his blue eyes went to Brock, "You're soaked." He laughed.

"So are you," The older man replied, a shiver going through his body from the rain.

Brian grabbed his hands, bringing them close to his mouth, and exhaled; his warm breath spreading over Brock's skin. They made eye contact again, but he could tell something was wrong with his boyfriend. "I'll get some towels." He managed, lips still against Brock's fingers, before pulling away and heading upstairs to the bathroom. The carpet was wet, their clothes dripping with the water. If they didn't get out of the wet clothes soon, they'd get sick. As soon as Brian disappeared upstairs, Brock let his wall down. Should he say something? Should he let Brian know what was on his mind? He stood there weighing the pros and cons before Brian's loud footsteps brought him back to reality.

"Brian..." He almost said it. He almost let it out right then and there.

"Yeah?" He answered as he gave Brock a towel, and began drying himself off. He was hesitant. He didn't want to admit to it. He didn't want Brian to know that he didn't trust him. So, without thinking, he wracked his brain for some bullshit excuse, even though it was killing him inside. They spent the rest of the second day, on the couch, in each other's arms watching movies. The inner turmoil haunted Brock, and Brian was still trying to figure out what the hell was going on. But by the time the third day came around, things were ready to break and come apart at the seams. "Are you alright?" Brian questioned. It was mid morning when he asked, and Brock waived it off.

"I'm fine." He replied. It was the last day for them to spend together, Brock's flight departing in the morning, and nothing had been said about the issue at hand. He was cooking at the time, and when he felt Brian approach him and grab him by the arm, he could feel a lump rising in his throat. Quickly, he swallowed it down; he did not want this to happen right now. It couldn't happen, not with him about to leave the very next day. What would become of them if his doubts were expressed and known? What would Brian think? Why couldn't they just have a successful relationship? He turned to face Brian, "Can we just... Forget about it? Today's our last day together and I just..." He trailed off, not knowing what else to say. But he knew that Brian knew something was wrong.

His voice was soft, "Brocky," He spoke, the affectionate nickname only making things worse. "Talk to me... I know something's been bothering you, I'm not stupid." Brock didn't say anything, but he put down his cooking utensils, and tried to think of how he wanted to say this as best as he could. There was no easy way, and before he knew it, he was a mess, breaking apart, coming undone, oversized tears threatening to fall. Brian's eyebrows rose on his forehead, shocked at his boyfriend to say the least. His arms found him, and he enveloped him, caringly. "Brock," His voice broke at seeing the older man like this. "Please."

He couldn't even look Brian in the eye, " _She's_ coming back after I leave, isn't she?" That was what had been bothering him this whole time. This was the question that made him feel like dirt, made him feel like Brian didn't love him, made him feel like this wasn't worth it. Everything he and Brian had worked for was a sham, and now it was all done and over with. He couldn't do it, couldn't deal with it. And his heart hammered away in his chest as he waited for the Irishman to answer. He was afraid of what he was going to hear. "Don't lie to me either," He continued, voice wavering with hurt, with fear... Hell, he could barely stand here right now, so he sunk to the kitchen floor, Brian still desperately holding onto him, clinging to him for dear life.

"Are you fucking crazy?" The Irishman couldn't help but to say. "No she's not coming back!" He wasn't mad, he was only shocked. And his face fell at the realization of just how much he had hurt Brock since all of this had began. He had damaged his heart, and only time would heal the wounds. "Don't you trust me?" Brian inquired, cupping the older man's face, leaning over him as they were a messy heap on the tiled floor.

Brock shook his head, "How can I?" He looked up at Brian through dark, teary eyes.

Brian sighed, "I'm so sorry." He got out. "This is all my fault... Brock, I promise you, I don't want anybody else but you. I love you, I love you so much." His words were whispers as his lips neared Brock's. He used his thumbs to wipe away the fat tears that wetted his boyfriend's face before pressing their lips together in what was the most intense kiss he had ever felt from the older man. He could feel Brock succumbing, melting as their lips danced together, creating perfect harmony. Brian knew he could never take back anything he ever did, but he knew he could fix it, and he'd try everything in his power to do so. "Can I show you?" He murmured against his lips. "Can I show you how much I love you?"

And Brock didn't have words, he only nodded as he kissed Brian again.


	26. only fools fall for you

Brock didn't even know how much he really wanted Brian until he had him. He could feel himself becoming dissolved into the kiss, letting his complete feelings and instinct take over. Their bodies were laced together in the most intricate of knots as they stayed a heaping mess on the kitchen floor. Lips on lips, fingers gripping skin wherever they could reach, and Brock was already breathless. If he'd had known how good this was going to be, maybe he would have let his feelings come through a whole lot sooner. "Are you completely sure about this?" Brian inquired, pulling Brock from his dreamy thoughts. His mind was cloudy, reverie incoherent and brazen.

What kind of question even was that? Of course he was sure; he was sure about Brian. And he wanted to feel _him._ Him and his tongue, and his fingers, and his lips... Down to the very last inch of him, and he wouldn't be satisfied until he completely got it. He nodded, dark eyes molding to Brian's crystals. "I've never been more sure of anything." His voice was breathy, and he didn't mean for it to be. He couldn't help it though; Brock was so needy for his boyfriend already. Another kiss was pressed into his temple, and Brian stood, helping the older man up from the kitchen floor as well. He pulled him into his lanky arms, wrapping him up, kissing him, feeling him, as they made their way to the bedroom upstairs. They couldn't really stay entangled in each other with the steps in the way, but they damn near tried their hardest.

The bed became vital as Brian pushed Brock down onto it, leading the lovemaking act so far. He hovered over him, eyes dark, like a storm was rolling in, and let a smirk cross his lips as the older man made eye contact with him once more. He had to admit he was a bit nervous considering it was his first time and all, but this was important to Brock, and he was going to make sure that the older man enjoyed himself. However, Brock wanted to make sure Brian got the most out of it as well. They were both aiming to please each other, and that was how they knew that this was it. _This was love._ And communication was necessary. It couldn't be too hard though; the lover's dance had been around for quite some time, and both the men were letting their bodies take over, do what they felt was right.

The kisses got more sloppy with each one that passed, hands became more curious, breaths became more heavy, and the patterns they drew on each others skin became more ornate in their own way. Slow was the pace, and gentle was the feeling, neither of them wanting to rush this. It was the first time their anatomies were meeting in this particular way, and the emotions needed to be savored, the touches needed to feel like they lingered even way after they were done. "Can I undress you?" Brian's words were so hesitant, and his fingers were even more so. They shook ever so slightly as they remained at the bottom of Brock's t-shirt, brushing against the exposed skin where the fabric was pushed up. He tried to suppress his nerves though.

Brock locked eyes with him again, nodding, "...Yeah." It was more of an exhale than anything, and the mere sound sent chills through Brian's being. But he obliged to Brock's words, pulling his shirt over his head, carefully, slowly, and threw it down on the floor. From there, the Irishman went to work, pressing butterfly kisses into his boyfriend's neck, tracing patterns with his tongue in the crook there, and drinking in Brock's sighs as he let them escape from his lips. His body was beautiful, his soul even more so, and Brian couldn't believe that he was going to get to share this moment with the older man.

"I love your neck," He murmured into it, trailing kisses where he went. "I love your jaw, I love your chest..." He continued downward, nose skimming the bare flesh, causing Brock to flush. "I love your stomach..." His fingers went to work on the button of Brock's pants, and once they were completely off, Brian could really see just how needy he was for him. He kissed him once more, making his way back to the top. "I love _you_ , Brocky." He got out, meeting his gaze, studying the redness of his face. It would never be enough, ever. He could tell Brock time and time again, and it would still never be enough.

And Brock took that as a sign that it was his turn; so he moved Brian, pushing him down on the bed, hovering over him so that he too, could become undressed. After pulling off his shirt, Brock started at the top, just like Brian did. "I love your hair," He began, letting his fingers play in it. "I love your freckles," He kissed his shoulders, almost as if he were connecting the dots. "I love your chest, and the hair there..." He smiled playfully, leaving a trail of saliva down to his pelvis. He fumbled with the button on his jeans, but soon, the younger man was undressed as well, and they were both there, bare and exposed to each other for the first time. Vulnerability came to mind, but Brock didn't care; he was already vulnerable enough with the emotions he'd been feeling these past few days. "I love you." He moved back to Brian's lips, planting a firm kiss there, before sinking to his knees and burying his face in his boyfriend's thighs, tasting him.

Brian quaked, letting out a sound he didn't know he was holding in. "B-Brock," His voice was low, cheeks flushed, redder than they'd ever been, and his hands moved to the older man's head as he dug his fingers into his scalp. His soft sighs echoed through the already thick bedroom air, and his stomach clenched with euphoria. It was too much, and this night, was supposed to be about Brock, not him. But he watched with half lidded, blue eyes as Brock greedily took him in and out of his mouth, and that sight alone was enough to make Brian reach the end. He stopped his lover, pulling him back up to kiss him. He had to reciprocate somehow, after all, he wanted this to be equal for the both of them, so he took charge again. Brian moved so that he was now kneeling in front of Brock, and he mimicked his ministrations, taking him into his mouth as much as he could.

For the first time that night, Brock moaned, and it roused Brian like no other. _He_ was giving him pleasure, _he_ was making him feel good, and he felt a sense of pride in that. "Brian, _please_." He crooned, lying back on the bed, fisting the younger man's hair. It was time, he couldn't wait any longer. He needed to know what Brian felt like. And before they did anything, Brian made sure Brock was comfortable on his back, with enough pillows to support him as he hung over his body, almost ready to enter. Albeit, Brian's first time, he wasn't stupid, and he knew this was going to hurt Brock. Once it was done, it would be done, no going back. So Brian asked him again.

"Are you sure?"

"Show me how much you love me."

Their foreheads touched one another, eyes never leaving their matched gaze as Brian tried to enter his lover. Their first time was everything one might have thought it would be. Full of shy smiles, awkward touches and kisses... The only thing that mattered though was that Brock knew just how much Brian did actually love him and care for him. Brock couldn't help but to focus on the purse of Brian's lips as the younger man lingered overtop of him, the calculated concentration drawn out in his eyes, as he figured out exactly just where to go. He wasn't embarrassed, it was just sort of protocol for the first time. But after a few more moments of frustration, and fumbling around one handed in the dark, Brian reached and grabbed Brock's hand as he laid on the pillows that smelled of his hair, and placed it on _him._

"Help?" He had whispered, breath hot and secure. Brock gave a quick grin, and kissed the tip of Brian's nose before he helped the younger man guide himself into his opening. It was slow; hell, he had to go slow, his body was so tight and non accommodating that it was impossible. But Brian let out a groan, and Brock inhaled a deep breath and tried to stop the tears from leaking out of his eyes. "I'm sorry," Brian whispered, kissing Brock's cheeks, trying not to focus on the immense pleasure he was getting to experience while his boyfriend only felt pain. In that moment, he wished that they had been better prepared for this, because he knew the burning and stretching were probably unbearable.

"Hey," Brock smiled. "I'm fine." He wrapped his arms and legs around the man on top of him, hoping his body would be able to fit him soon. And Brian was still as he waited for the signal from Brock. Meanwhile, he kissed him, praying the pain would dissipate soon. When Brock finally did nod, the younger man moved slow and sharp, letting out a deep sigh each time he entered and exited. The couple breathed in each other's oxygen, foreheads still touching as they raced at a steady pace towards the end goal. "Oh god, Brian..." The older man's raptures were certainly a sound to hear, and since he sounded like he was enjoying himself more, Brian decided to pick up on his thrusts if only slightly. The snap of his hips were acute, circular, as he dug himself into his boyfriend.

Tears pricked Brock's dark eyes, falling down his rosy cheeks, and when Brian thrust a certain way, it caused the older man to cry out; the sound echoing through the walls. However, the noise made Brian stop his movements, "Brock..." His voice was low, laced with worry. "Did I...?" He didn't know what to say, he couldn't tell if he had hurt him, or done something else, but it scared him. The noise, the broken sob lingered in his mind, replaying itself.

Brock merely cupped his boyfriend's cheek, running his thumb over the stubble there, "I'm okay..." He said with a nod, "I'm okay."


	27. one last kiss on your pillow

"Are you tired?" Brian asked.

"No." Brock got out through a yawn.

"Don't lie."

"I'm not!"

"Don't fall asleep..." Brian whispered, lips moving sleepily against his lover's flesh. Brock's skin was hot, flushed, slick with the humidity that lingered there with them in the bedroom air. Even with the bedroom window open and the cool LA air rushing in, the room still felt thick. But the lights were low, and their chests heaved back and forth with each inhale and exhale, breaths mingling together in the night. The Irishman placed a kiss there, on Brock's forehead, still trying to catch his breaths from the night's events. His fingers played about, exploring the wonderland that was Brock, and he still couldn't get over the fact that they had just made love... The fact that he was no longer a virgin, and he had given himself completely to Brock, and Brock the same to him.

Wrapping his mind around the concept was something of a challenge... But here they were, bodies still freshly intimate with one another, and yet Brian couldn't come to terms. Maybe it was because of the fact that he thought that it might never happen. But he hoped Brock knew now; he hoped that his boyfriend knew that he loved him with ever fiber and cell in his being. He had given his all, let the guards down, and he really showed Brock just who he was deep down inside. They were vulnerable, exposed... But if Brian had the choice, he made up his mind that he would pick it all over again. The experience was something out of a movie or even a book. It was too intricate to explain.

The older man merely let out a chuckle in a bout of an exhale. "I'm not," His voice was hoarse in return, sore from the hiccups and slow sobs that had escaped him earlier. Neither of them wanted this day to end if they were being honest with themselves. In the morning, Brock's flight was scheduled, their last three days would finally come to an end, and the older man was heading back home to Utah for a bit. And he wasn't going to lie, he was still kind of bummed about it... Maybe even more so since he and Brian had taken their physicality and relationship to the next level. It was more than Brock ever could have imagined, and his body was still lingering in the afterglow of it all.

But long distance would go back to being their norm. However, after tonight, Brock was finally convinced that Brian really did love him. The things that he felt; the swelling in his heart... That was enough to prove anyone wrong. Brian loved him, Brian wanted him, and Brian truly was the only one for him. The older man's doubts were more than reassured. But because of that, now he was even more reluctant to go home. He didn't want to leave the Irishman. He wanted to stay here with him forever, in his bed, in his arms. He knew someday he would be able to, but that day wasn't today, or tomorrow for that matter. They'd be separated for some time, living by themselves, using phone calls and skype to keep their relationship alive and well... Just like before.

Brian let out a sigh, it tickling his boyfriend's nose. "I don't want you to go." He said, closing his eyes and pressing another simple kiss into Brock's shoulder.

"Don't do this now," Brock chided. "You know I have to go." He admitted it, as much as he didn't want to either. His voice was a whisper now as they were both coming to terms with the situation. In the morning, they'd go separate ways. No more waking up together. Hell, Brian would even have to get used to the simple fact that Brock just wouldn't be in his apartment anymore. There would have to be some major adjusting... And even though he and Brock had only been together for about a month or so; all the repressed feelings they were hiding made their bond and their love so much more stronger than meets the eye. Plus, include everything that they had been through in just this short amount of time... It was no argument why they were inseparable.

"I mean, you really don't _have_ to." The Irishman replied playfully.

"Brian," Moo got out, grinning, eyes barely open. His voice cracked as they both laid there desperately trying to fight the oncoming waves of sleepiness. He whispered sweet nothings into the younger man's skin, promises of coming back sooner rather than later... And maybe even plans to live with one another? He belonged in LA, he belonged with Brian, and well, the Irishman drank it in greedily, selfishly, as he listened to Brock go on and on about this perfect life they would have together. If this was happiness, then he had found it, hands down. He didn't want to be anywhere if Brock wasn't there, and he knew this long distance was going to hurt like no other. It'd be like before, minus the complications. But he knew he and Brock needed to get the whole situation sorted out still.

It was quiet for a few moments, the only sound was the breeze and the busy LA streets coming in from the window. Finally, Brian spoke, "I love you." He said for the umpteenth time that night, and again, it would never get old as long as Brock was by his side. The older man laughed in return, running his nimble fingers through Brian's tufts of hair. If only everything could always be this simple with them, maybe they wouldn't have to face so many trials and tribulations. Wasn't there a saying about that? Brian was sure there was, but at the moment, he couldn't seem to think about it. Hell, he didn't want to think about it, so instead, he concentrated on the feeling of Brock's fingers massaging his scalp.

"I love you too."

They both finally lost the fight to their tiredness, and drifted off to sleep in each other's arms. It was late, and Brock's flight was leaving early. In the morning when they woke, yawns filled the air. Both men were tired and could barely get out of bed. They dressed slowly, and gathered Brock's things slowly, only trying to delay the inevitable. And the drive to the airport was filled with a sort of bittersweet feeling. Their hands rested on the console between the seats in the car, intertwined with one another's as Brian drove. The younger man squeezed tightly, savoring the feeling of Brock's digits in his own. It was a feeling he would never truly get tired of.

LA traffic wasn't bad, Brock would make his flight on time. And when they pulled into the parking lot of the airport, Brock felt the lump begin to well in his throat; the swelling in his heart increasing as Brian turned off the car. "I'll walk you in," He offered, exiting the car and taking Brock's hand again. The airport was crowded, but that was no surprise. The couple walked to the departing flight gate, and when they got there, Brian turned to face his boyfriend. "Listen Brocky," He grabbed his face in his hands, making the older man make eye contact with him. "I promise you, it's just me and you, okay? I don't want you to worry. Trust me." The lilt in his voice was comforting to say the least, soft and serene.

"I do." Brock nodded, reaching up to grab Brian's hands that were still on his face. The two shared a kiss in the middle of the crowd, getting lost in what was each other once more. "I'll call as soon as I land," He mumbled against his boyfriend's lips. He carried his luggage and made his way to the flight gate, Brian watching him the whole time. He turned to wave, before going to board, and he saw Brian mouth the words _I love you._ This time would be better; this time Brock wasn't going to worry about a thing. He and Brian were happy, he and Brian were in love. Everything was going to work out this time. But if that were the case, why was he still feeling so shitty? Had he and Brian not had their fair share of trouble yet?

Getting on the plane, the older man decided to push it out of his head. He got settled into his seat, ready to relax over this short flight. Before the plane took off, he sent out a tweet letting everyone know he was heading home. He had a lot of catching up to do when he got there, with youtube, and with just household things in general. He also needed to get in touch with the guys and let them know that everything was good. Brock hadn't seen them since the little party Brian had at the apartment. They'd be glad to know that everything was okay, because things were still a little rocky when they all got together. So far, things were going Brock's favor, but the older man decided not to let his guard all the way down just yet. He still had a feeling that something was bound to happen sooner or later.


	28. build your hopes up like a tower

Brock's ears were filled with laughter as another explosion occurred while the game of grand theft auto continued on. Tyler wheezed loudly, causing another bout of laughs to follow through. "Stop blowing shit up!" Evan nearly yelled, but it was to no avail. They could never really play a full session of gta without an explosion happening every other two minutes. But that was one of the things that made the game fun. "Seriously," Vanoss trailed off again as their characters spawned once more. The older man was sure he had enough footage for another video, but still, it was nice playing with Tyler, Evan, and Nogla... He'd played with them the most, and albeit them all being relatively close, Brock felt especially close to those three.

They were the ones that were always available when he needed, Delirious was too, and so was Mini, but those two were often busy doing their own things lately. And the rest of the guys? They drifted in and out, but they were all best friends, and life just got in the way some times, so that's why Brock didn't mind. Playing video games together was what they did best, and he knew that's what they should all stick to. But it was nice, just to kick back and relax and blow some shit up to take his mind off things. "You guys want to try that glitch again?" Wildcat inquired, pulling everyone out of their thoughts.

Brock looked over to his phone to check the time, it was getting rather late here in Utah, and he wondered if it was late in LA as well. "I'm expecting a skype call from Brian soon," He replied, which would mean that he'd have to shut down everything and leave the guys to themselves. It had been about two weeks since he'd left LA, and since then, things between he and Brian were going relatively well. Long distance was no longer a pain in the neck, and Brock looked forward to his boyfriend's nightly calls. And he was so glad that Brian had been true to his word, and because of that, their relationship was more secure than ever.

"Boo!" Nogla commented, causing another laugh.

"How are you guys anyway?" Vanoss asked. Hell, checking up on his friend seemed like the normal thing to do, and the good thing to do. He wanted to make sure Brian wasn't still trying to string Brock along, but ever since their visit, he had faith in the Irishman, and had believed his words and what he said. However, he knew he could never be too sure. "Long distance working out okay?" He added when Brock had failed to give an answer. The older man was just trying to put together what he wanted to say, because if he were being honest with himself, there were no words. He was incredibly happy with Brian, incredibly happy with the way things had been for the past two weeks and how they were continuing to span out. And even though he had his doubts, things had failed to prove otherwise.

"We are..." He searched his mind for a description, but found none that really suited. "Awesome," He answered for a lack of a better word. "It's been really great, and I don't think I really have to worry about anything else, guys." Brock finally answered as his friends listened on. They rarely asked about their relationship, but after all, they hadn't spoken about it since they'd come to visit Brian and Brock in LA. Two weeks seemed like a good check up period, and since Brock had brought up the other man, it made it even more convenient. "I appreciate your concern, really." The older man continued. "But you shouldn't be worried." He and Brian were closer than ever at this point, and after making love? Brock was on cloud nine.

"We're not worried," Tyler said. "We're just checking up on you, that's all."

"Yeah," Nogla interrupted. "But you would tell us if something was going on, right?"

"Of course!" Brock exclaimed. "I know you guys always have my back."

"Alright then," Evan said. "As long as you know that we're here for you no matter what... So I guess you have to go then?" He asked, "So you can talk to Brian."

"Yeah," Moo answered. "But we'll play again tomorrow or something, okay?" He bid his friends goodbye, and saved his footage before shutting everything down, and pulling up skype. Brian usually text first so he could make sure that his boyfriend was on, so Brock waited for the text. It was a few moments later when his phone was buzzing away on the desk. _You ready?_ Of course it was Brian, and Brock thumbed back a quick reply before his computer started ringing, indicating that he was getting a call. Without hesitation, he answered it, and immediately saw Brian's beautiful blue eyes. "Hey." He smiled, unable to wipe the grin from his face. The nightly skype calls were something he always enjoyed, and he was sure the younger man enjoyed it as well.

"Well hello," Brian smiled as he studied Brock's face through the screen. Even over a computer monitor, he was still more pretty than ever. Brian concluded right then and there that he would never get tired of memorizing his boyfriend's prominent features. His rosy lips, his doe eyes... Hell, they had come a long way since when they first started dating each other; and it had been a long journey. "You weren't busy, were you?" He then asked, not wanting to interrupt the older man from doing something important.

Brock shook his head, "No, I was just playing some grand theft auto with the guys... But we're done now." He replied.

"So how was your day?" Brian asked, starting the ever long call. It's not like they hadn't skyped before, or skyped when they were dating once before, but these times when they used the video chat, it felt different. Neither of them could quite put their fingers on it, but they both knew that it _was_ different. And they talked about how their days went, leaving out no detail, because they wanted to hear it all. Brock loved hearing about Brian's adventures in LA, the different things he had done. But sometimes there were lazy days when all they did was text each other back and forth, or play video games with each other... But Brock loved those days too. The skype calls often lasted for hours at a time, both men fighting their sleep because they didn't want to hang up. "I didn't do much... Just some stuff around the apartment." The Irishman answered.

"I tried to make a video," Brock laughed, knowing that he hadn't been very successful.

"Yeah, I'm so behind on stuff..." Brian trailed off, shaking his head.

And Brock couldn't tell what it was, but he was sure that the younger man had something weighing on his mind. His heart skipped a beat, but he tried not to panic right away. Instead, he decided to ask the Irishman if he was alright. "Is there something on your mind, Bri?" He inquired, because he could read his boyfriend so easily now after everything they had been through. Hell, he was surprised they couldn't read each other's mind yet. But he looked distraught over the screen, and that's how Brock knew that he had something to say or something to get off his chest. "Is everything alright?" Brock asked again, still trying not to panic.

Brian nodded, "Yes, Brock, everything's fine, please don't get worked up." He reassured the older man. "But I do have a surprise for you," He admitted.

"A surprise?"

"I know you've only been gone for a few weeks... But my parents have been calling and asking me to come visit them in Ireland, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?" He asked, hesitation gone in his voice. "I want them to meet you... As my boyfriend." He concluded. They had called about a week ago complaining that they hadn't seen Brian in months, so Brian agreed that he would come. However, the thought of actually coming out to his parents and telling them he was in love with his best friend was quite terrifying. But he knew he could do it with Brock there; the older man gave him strength, and even though he was scared, he knew he could do this. When the older man had yet to give an answer, Brian had to crack a grin, "Is that a no?" He joked.

"Brian, are you sure about this?" Brock questioned. "I mean, we both know how your parents are." He had heard stories of them, things that Brian had told him. Hell, it was their fault in the first place that their relationship was strained. They were forcing Brian to have a girlfriend, and that was what started this whole thing. "I would love to, but we just have to be ready for... Whatever might happen." He concluded.

"I know," Brian nodded, "And I've been thinking about it a lot. But I'm sure, Brocky, I'm sure about us... What's the worse that could happen?" He inquired, and it was true, he had gone over the scenario a million times in his head since they called. He knew there was going to be rash consequences, but he was trying to optimistic about it. And with Brock there with him the whole time, he knew that he could accomplish anything. "Plus, Ireland's pretty romantic," He shrugged. "We could use it to our advantage." He grinned. Showing his boyfriend around his hometown would be a lot of fun, and he was glad he was going to get to see Brock again after only three weeks of being separated.

The older man smiled, "God, I love you."

"So is that a yes now?" Brian retorted. "Glad I could easily change your mind."

"When?" Brock asked, changing the subject.

"I'm going to fly to Utah in a few days to meet you, and then we'll fly to Ireland together... Does that sound okay?" He had tried to be organized about it and plan out the whole trip before it happened, and now that Brock had agreed to go, he'd have to find some things for them to do together while they were there. He'd also have to book a hotel so they could stay as well.

"Sounds perfect," Brock said. "Can't wait."


	29. starve my heart of touch

The days went by leisurely, slowly, and sometimes not at all. It seemed as though since Brian had given Brock the news about the surprise visit, he was rather impatient for his boyfriend to arrive in Utah. He couldn't wait to see him, couldn't wait to hold him and kiss him and just be with him. And albeit hadn't been long since they'd last parted, they still missed each other like crazy. But there were still a few more days before Brian was supposed to fly over from LA. He had difficulties getting tickets, which is why it had taken so long for him to reunite with Brock. Nonetheless, Brock kept himself busy in the meantime, hoping to distract himself from the knowing of his boyfriend's visit. But he hopelessly waited for him like no other.

He wasn't sure how long they'd be away in Ireland, but knowing how he and Brian never wanted to leave each other, the trip would probably go longer than scheduled. So, Brock got to work on editing videos. He wanted to have some things done so he wouldn't feel neglectful why he was away. After all, since Brian had moved out to LA in the first place, Brock had been traveling quite a bit, and because of that, his channel on youtube had a lack of content. Making videos was a must, so he got to work on them right away. He didn't want his subscribers to get angry at him for not posting anything. And it wasn't difficult, because he had a lot of footage stowed away for occurrences just like this one.

Brock had to admit though, as he worked on his editing, his mind drifted quite a bit, thinking about what it would be like to finally meet Brian's parents. He was nervous if he were being honest with himself; nervous because he knew how Brian's parents were. He knew their nature, and he knew that they were very controlling over Brian. Hell, they flipped out when he'd dropped out of college to pursue youtube, and Brock was there for the fallout of that. He and Brian were good friends at that time as well, and Brian had taken it hard, the things his father had said to him... And that was how Brock knew just how relentless and selfish they could be. He'd heard many stories from the Irishman about them, and the way they were, and to be frank, he was scared.

Brian's parents were the reason for their heartbreak in the first place, and Brock didn't want to go through it again. He tried to be optimistic about it and just looked forward to seeing Brian. But, he still couldn't shake the nerves, the anxiousness pooling in his gut. He still couldn't help but to have doubts in the back of his mind, lingering there, taunting him. However, he was determined in his nature to keep a positive mindset. He and Brian would make it through this, he was almost sure of it... At least, he hoped...

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Brock kept asking his boyfriend every time they had a phone call, or a skype chat, or hell, he'd even send texts and ask Brian if he was really sure he wanted to go through with this. He just wanted to make sure that they were doing the right thing... And Brock was skeptical. They were happy now, weren't they? Why jinx it?

Brian would sigh, "Of course. I need to do this."

"I love you," Brock found himself saying those particular three words more often than necessary, but Brian never minded.

The days passed, Brock keeping himself busy and Brian was preparing himself for the flight to Utah. The younger man had to admit, he was quite nervous as well. He was hoping and praying for a good reaction from his mom and dad, but he knew better. They'd probably be angry, probably blame Brock... But Brian knew that this had to be done. He had promised Brock that he would tell his parents, he had promised Brock that he'd get all of him from now on. This was a task that could not be avoided. Brian just hoped that it would go better than he expected. And these thoughts wrecked his mind as the date of his flight to Utah neared closer and closer. Like Brock, he tried to keep and open mind and stay positive as well.

Finally, the day came for his flight, so he gathered up his things and headed to the airport with a smile on his face. Brock would be waiting for him at the airport in Utah, and he couldn't wait to see him. He just had to make it through this flight, and in that moment, he was glad it only lasted a few hours. He kept himself occupied with texts and twitter, and watching a few of Brock's youtube videos. There was something about his voice, something about the way he laughed that made Brian's heart flip. Anticipation filled him as the plane took off and soared high in the sky. And when Brock got Brian's text that said the plane was about to land, Brock couldn't help but to rush to his car and head there, heart hammering away in his chest.

He never really liked the airport, the crowded people, so he waited somewhere in a secluded corner, reading Brian's text over and over again. _Plane's about to touch down, see you soon, Brocky._ Of course, the signature nickname and smiley face always made Brock flush, and the excitement only grew higher. Brian was almost here. So the older man watched with careful eyes as groups of people continued to shuffle through the crowded corridors of the building. He searched for Brian, or at least any sign of him, like his hair, or his tall nature... And finally, he saw him. He was walking slowly, dragging his luggage behind him, baby blues wandering, searching for his boyfriend.

Brock's feet began to move before he realized what he was even doing. He found himself jogging to the younger man, despite the crowds, despite everyone staring at him; he flung himself to Brian, and when he finally reached the Irishman, he threw his arms around him, inhaling his scent, feeling the texture of his skin. And Brian could only laugh, "God, did you miss me that much?" He inquired as he grabbed at Brock in the middle of the airport, crowd finally thinning out. But it didn't matter; it was like they were the only two in the world. His eyes crinkled in the corner as he smiled, teeth shining, and then he pressed his lips to Brock's forehead. It was all worth it; facing his parents, telling them that he was in love with Brock, it was all worth it.

"You have no idea," Brock got out, grinning. He then made it a point to kiss his boyfriend; wrapping his arms around him, letting him really feel it. It had been too long since he'd tasted his breath, since he'd felt his lips on his own. And it seemed as though ever since they had been intimate with one another, the kisses were more passionate, more acute. Again, they didn't mind. But when they pulled away, their foreheads touched, and Brock was flushed like no other. It had only been a few weeks, but goddamn it had been too long... Especially since their relationship had progressed so much. Brian was his light, and in that moment, he had gotten his light back. "Did you miss me too?" He inquired.

"Of course I did." Brian answered in a heartbeat as he picked up his luggage that'd he'd managed to drop while they were kissing. "Let's get out of here." He suggested, before grabbing Brock's hand and walking towards the exit doors. It felt normal to be here with him, it felt like he was home. "Our flight for Ireland doesn't leave until tomorrow night." He managed to get out as they walked to Brock's car out in the crowded parking lot. It was still early, so that meant he and Brock would be able to spend the day together.

The older man let out a laugh, "Well, I'm sure we can keep ourselves occupied." He was too focused on the way Brian's hand felt in his own, and how much he really had missed the younger man. He never wanted them to part ever again. Maybe soon they'd be able to live with one another... And albeit they hadn't been for together long, he loved Brian, and he knew he wanted to be with him. "We should go out." He added as they finally got to the car, getting in, and continuing to hold hands over the console in the middle of the seat. He never wanted to let go of his hand ever again, it was too good.

"You read my mind," Brian replied with a grin. "Breakfast for dinner." He added as a suggestion.

"God, I love you."

"I know." Brian retorted. Brock then pulled away from the airport and began the drive back to his house. In that moment, all his nerves were gone, all his anxiety had vanished. With Brian by his side, anything was possible... And that's how he knew that he was so head over heels in love with his man. He felt like he could conquer the world. So maybe... Just maybe, facing Brian's parents wouldn't be that difficult of a task. But then again... Maybe Brock was just telling himself this so he wouldn't be worried. It was such a sensitive situation, but they had to do it. It was truly inevitable.


	30. your hands and lips still know

After a much needed dinner of waffles and some other breakfast foods of Brock's favorites, the newly reunited couple headed back to Brock's place with a full belly. Their little date had been a success, and they were glad to be back with each other again. It felt normal, they felt complete, and they knew that this was how it should be each time they got together. There wasn't supposed to be heartbreak, and maybe this was a symbol of theme finally leaving the past behind. Both of them were slightly love struck if they were being honest with themselves... Or maybe they were just trying to stay happy now, and not think about the impending doom that was sure to happen when they got to Ireland and met up with Brian's parents. Both the men were still anxious, they just didn't want to acknowledge it, they didn't want to talk about it just yet. They were stuck in their bliss of reuniting with each other. And for now, right at this moment, that was okay.

On the drive home from the little breakfast diner, Brock let Brian drive his car. It was getting late and he was sleepy, but that didn't stop him from looking over at Brian in the driver's seat and giving him small smiles every now and again. They held hands the whole way, and at red lights, Brian brought Brock's fingers to his lips and planted small kisses there. Oh how he had missed him while they were apart, oh how he had wanted to feel his skin again. They picked up right where they left off when they parted, and that was the best thing yet. It was like long distance wasn't even a thing anymore. They were so well acquainted with each other after this short amount of time, that it just felt normal. Or maybe it was just normal for them. They had their own little way of things, which was great.

As he looked over at Brian again, Brock let a few words slip from his lips, "I just wish we could be together like this all the time."

"Me too," The Irishman replied in a heartbeat. "You know... You could move in with me." He added as a small suggestion.

Brock shook his head, "I'd have to figure out what to do with my house." He sighed, turning his head to look out the window. "My lease doesn't run out for awhile, it'd cost too much to break it." He became lost in his thoughts thinking of different things. It really was a shame he couldn't just move to LA with his boyfriend, be happy for a change, put all the negativity behind him.

"Hey," Brian's voice was soft when he spoke again. "Don't worry about it, we'll figure something out eventually." He squeezed the older man's hand to reassure him that everything was okay. After all, Moo did have a tendency to over think a lot of things, and because of that, Brian was surprised that he hadn't said anything about going to Ireland. But, Brock also had a tendency to hold things in until it ate away at him... So the younger man had a feeling that he'd be dealing with it sooner or later. Brock was complex, but again, that was something he loved about him. Hell, he was probably thinking about it right now which was why he was being so quiet. But, Brian chose to leave it alone. The moment was too good right now as they drove home, the sound of the radio playing lowly in the background.

They pulled into the driveway of Brock's home, gravel crunching underneath the tires of his car, and Brian parked and turned it off. He grabbed his suitcase from the back and followed the older man to the front door. "It's kind of a mess in here," Brock warned as he fumbled with the doorknob trying to get the door unlocked. "I'm still packing." He added as he pushed the door open and headed inside.

Brian scoffed, "Please, you've seen my messes, I'm sure yours don't even compare to that."

"True." Brock laughed, laying the keys on the table by the door and kicking off his shoes. The tiredness was growing on him, but it was an odd feeling. With his boyfriend here, he felt giddy, an indescribable happiness radiating throughout his body that he just couldn't explain. Whatever the feeling was though, he enjoyed it to no end. And he felt Brian grab him around the waist, pulling him close to his own body, and his lips were in at his hear, hands running to the nape of his neck. The closeness was something he'd never get tired of, no matter what.

And all was quiet for a moment until Brian spoke, "Can I kiss you?" The lilt in his voice was low, and it sent shivers down Brock's spine. What a redundant question! But it felt right, accurate for it to exit his lips, and all Brock did was laugh and nod. Then he waited for their lips to meet, and when they did, it felt like the first time they ever kissed all over again. He could hear the fireworks, like he did on the docks, see the bright colors echoing in the sky over the ocean. It was equivalent to that; and the feeling of Brian's lips was enough to make him go weak in the knees. The younger man had to help steady him as they reveled in bliss. "Now," Brian sighed as he pulled away. "You gonna tell me what's bothering you?" He inquired with a small smirk. God, he could read Brock all too well, and sometimes the older man held true disdain for him because of that.

"I'm tired," Brock replied, pulling away. "Come to bed?" He asked as he moved towards the stairs, Brian still holding onto his body if only slightly.

"Brock..." The younger man drawled out, following him to the steps. His voice was more serious this time, because he knew. He knew earlier when they were on their date, he knew earlier on the ride home, and he knew now that there was something bothering Brock, which was why he was trying so hard to avoid talking about it. Brian knew that getting Brock to share what was on his mind was going to be a challenge, and it was definitely something they needed to work on considering the aspect of their relationship. "Talk to me." He continued as he followed the older man up the stairs. They got to Brock's bedroom and Brian merely watched as his boyfriend shrugged out of his clothes and got ready for bed. He stood at the door, leaning against the frame. "It's okay if you're worried about tomorrow, I am too." He got out, blue eyes tracing his every move.

And suddenly, Brock stopped his ministrations and looked up at Brian, his brown eyes boring into him. "Worried?" He inquired. "Brian I am freaking out!" He barely got out. It was true; ever since Brian had brought up the trip to Ireland and meeting his parents... It was all Brock could think about. What in the world was going to happen when they got to Ireland? What in the world was going to happen when Brian told his parents that Brock was his boyfriend and that they'd been seeing each other for a while now? He was overwhelmed, so worked up, he didn't he know what to say, he didn't even know how to phrase his worries. They were just taunting him, making him anxious, and of course Brian would be able to tell. He always knew when something was bothering Brock. The older man was too easy to read.

"I was afraid you'd say that." Brian replied as he walked over to sit on Brock's bed. "You don't have to go... I'll go alone."

Brock sighed, and moved so that he could sit beside the Irishman. "Now what kind of boyfriend would I be if I made you go face your parents alone?" He inquired. "I know I've asked you this before... But I just need you to make sure that this is really what you want to do... We don't know what's going to happen when we get there... And honestly, Bri, I'm scared." He got out, unable to make eye contact with the man sitting beside him. "I know you should be the one freaking out because it's your parents... But I can't help it."

He let out a chuckle, "You don't think I'm freaking out?" There was a bit of a scoff in his voice. "I'm fucking terrified... But it has to be done. I promised you, Brock. I'm serious about us, I'm doing this for us." He said as he grabbed his boyfriend's hands and squeezed them in his own.

"I just have a really bad feeling about all of this." Brock replied.

"Please, just try not to worry." Brian coaxed. "I don't want you getting all worked up."

"You're right." Brock nodded, "I shouldn't be making a big deal out of this..." He trailed off as he shook his head. "Let's just go to bed, we'll deal with it when it comes." He added as he climbed to the top of the bed and pulled the covers overtop his body. His head hurt and he just wanted to sleep with his boyfriend's arms wrapped around him. Brian got up to turn off the bedroom light before he crawled in behind Brock, spooning his body, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face in his neck, placing a tiny kiss there. He had missed this, just being able to sleep together in the same bed. There was something ever so intimate about it, and this was probably his favorite thing to do. In the silence, Brock turned his head slightly and puckered his lips for a kiss, Brian meeting him halfway and pressing their lips together. "Goodnight." Brock whispered, reveling in the feeling of his boyfriend's arms.

"Night, love you." Brian replied, before attempting to go to sleep. Their flight left early in the morning, so he knew he'd better try and get some sleep. However, now that Brock had brought the whole thing up with his parents, he couldn't stop thinking about it. He'd done a pretty good job of keeping it suppressed, but he knew better, and he knew something drastic was bound to happen while he and Brock were over in Ireland.


	31. though i try to resist

Morning came quickly for the couple, a little too quickly if they wanted to admit it. Brock and Brian were both groggy from lack of sleep and did not want to get out of bed. And even though it was mostly their tiredness keeping them there, it was probably the fact that they were going to see Brian's parents that kept them there as well. Never ever in their lives had they wanted to stay in the bed longer. But what was the sense in prolonging the inevitable? Both of them knew good and well that it was time to go and get it over with, there was no need to procrastinate. Their flight to Ireland departed soon and both men were still apprehensive about everything after all this time.

"Brock?" Brian's voice was still thick with sleep, thick with nerves as he rolled over and pressed his warm skin to his boyfriend's. "It's time to get up." He continued, pressing his lips to Brock's bare shoulder before stifling a yawn. Mornings were probably his favorite, but he didn't have time to revel in it now. He knew they had to catch their flight. They had a long, ten hour journey ahead of them so they could easily sleep on the plane; but that wasn't the point. The point was that they were absolutely terrified of the events to come later on. "Come on..." He shook his body gently so that he would wake up. It shouldn't have to be a hassle, they should have been able to stay positive about this, but both of them knew just how Brian's parents were... That was what scared them and kept the negativity filtering around in their heads.

Brock clung to Brian, neediness clear in his body. "I know..." He grumbled, aware of the situation, aware of the extremities that were bound to happen. He knew they had to be up and out of bed so that they could catch their flight; it'd be a shame if they were to miss it... Brock had to smile at that thought, but then he pushed it from his mind. He couldn't be thinking like that, especially not now. This was of vital importance; he knew it was something that couldn't be avoided, at least, not for any longer. Brian was important to him, being with him was important to him. And it was obviously important to Brian if he was willing to put up with his parent's wrath for the sake of their relationship.

After a few more minutes of enjoying the bliss in the bed, the couple got up, still sleepy, and shuffled around Brock's house to ready themselves. Tension was easily found in the air, and Brian didn't want Brock to worry anymore than he already was. He didn't want him to worry about anything. He tried calming him down, coaxing him with kisses here and there, doing whatever he could, but there was nothing that worked. Ultimately, the Irishman knew there was only so much he could do, because Brock was Brock. He was sensitive and always over thinking every single situation. Despite their predicament though, they were able to be all packed up and ready in twenty minutes, and they were ready to go.

So, with their luggage in tow, they locked up Brock's house and headed to the closest airport in a cab. The ride there was mostly silent, only small talk being brought about; but there was honestly nothing to talk about except for the fact that they were both scared out of their minds. They were treading into unknown territory and it was a horrible experience. Brian tried not to think about it, he tried to be strong for Brock's sake... But again, ultimately, there was only so much he could do about the situation. He was just hoping for the best out of everything, because he and Brock had already been through more than enough in their short time of a relationship.

"Did you want to get some breakfast?" Brian inquired as they stood in line at their departing flight gate, waiting to go through security and get on the plane. Airports were always a hassle, and that was something that the Irishman hated about traveling. Nonetheless though, he and Brock stood there, waiting and waiting, Brock more antsy than ever. But the younger man knew that that was probably just his growing anxiety. "I can run and get you something if you want?" He continued to pester. Hell, his boyfriend had been more quiet than usual, he just wanted him to talk, he just wanted to hear him laugh or something. Anything was better than the quiet.

Brock shook his head, "I don't think I could eat if I wanted to."

Brian sighed, and he knew it was because of his nerves. However, he didn't want to focus on that; he wanted to try and make the older man forget, or at least distract him for a little bit. So, he feigned a gasp. "What?" He questioned. "Brock doesn't want to eat breakfast? It must be the end of the world." He nudged him in the side, grinning and the other couldn't help but to give a bit of a smile. "Please, eat something, for me?" Brian continued.

"I'll get something on the plane if I get hungry... Do _you_ want some breakfast?" Brock countered.

Brian shook his head, "I'll eat if you eat."

"Oh my god you're such a girl," The older man joked and Brian could only roll his eyes. But, it seemed to help and lighten the mood at least a little bit, and for that, he was thankful. The line for the flight gate moved up and both men moved together. They were nearing the front, which meant they were close to getting on the plane, and that was when Brian felt Brock reach and grasp for his hand. "I'm really trying not to think about it," He began, voice low, and eyes downcast. "But I can't help it." Brock continued with a small sigh.

"I know." Brian replied, "And that's okay."

"Really?"

"Really." The younger man said with a smile. In truth, he couldn't stop thinking about it either, but... He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to feel like he and Brock were about to approach their imminent doom. "Look, I'm just gonna be honest with you, Brocky..." He started, wracking his mind for exactly what he wanted to say. "There is going to be some kind of trouble, that's just how my parents are, but I'm not going to let that get in the way of us having a good time. Ireland is a beautiful place, and there's so much shit for us to do in Dublin! Despite my mom and dad, we're going to have a good time." He rambled on and on as the line moved farther up and it was their turn to be put through security and out to the plane. "Okay?"

Brock couldn't help but to smile at his boyfriend's words, "Okay." He nodded. "That does make me feel a little bit better."

"Good."

It was quiet between them as they got on the plane and got settled into their seats. It was just the two of them, and their hands were intertwined as they shared the armrest between them. Finally, Brock spoke once more, but his voice wasn't the same. It was more hesitant, more fragile, and Brian picked up on it almost immediately. It meant that something important was about to escape his lips. And there it was, "Can I ask you something, though?" Brock asked, looking over at the younger man, his dark eyes molding into his crystal blue ones. Brian merely nodded, and Brock let out an exhale before his next words left his lips. "Just promise me, okay? Promise me that after this visit, we'll be okay, we'll be... Normal?" He inquired, for lack of a better word at the moment.

"Brock, I love you, and I promise." The Irishman answered immediately. "Now, stop worrying about it, sleep."

"I could go for some breakfast now." He replied with a devilish grin, and all Brian could do was laugh. "I'm just kidding," Brock added as an afterthought before laying his head on Brian's shoulder. The sleepiness in his body was overwhelming, and he knew that the next few hours were going to be of really good rest. So, he closed his eyes as he felt the plane taking off, and within minutes he was snoring gently on his boyfriend's shoulder. Brian couldn't help but to laugh, but he also knew that Brock needed to sleep, he knew that he had stayed awake most of last night, worrying probably. But now that they had their little talk or whatever, both of them felt better if they were being honest with themselves, and Brian was thankful.

He wasn't tired himself just yet, so he put on his headphones and listened to music for awhile, before messing around on twitter and snapchat, until he started holding back yawns. The flight was going to be so long, especially since it was a one way, and there were no connecting flights. It was just a straight shot to Ireland, because internally, Brian wanted to get this done and over with. The faster they got to Ireland, the better. The faster this trip was over, the better. The faster he and Brock could just get back home and pick up with their long distance relationship, the better. And suddenly, the promise he made Brock came to mind, and he had to push it away just as fast as it had came. There was something in the back of his mind telling him that he wouldn't be able to keep that promise.


	32. and i wanna get close to you

A little longer than ten hours later, the flight was coming to an end. Both men were fully awake now after their long slumber, and were eager to get off the plane to stretch their legs. The pilot came over the intercom and announced that they'd be landing in Ireland soon, and it would be mid morning when they did finally land. Brock couldn't help but to look out the window and admire the ocean; he knew Dublin was going to be as beautiful as Brian told him it would be, and he couldn't wait to see it and spend time with his boyfriend. During him looking out the window, he felt Brian's hand on his knee, and he felt him give it a squeeze, pulling him out of his thoughts. Brock merely looked over, making eye contact with the younger man. "You okay?" Brian inquired, knowing that soon they'd be getting off this plan and taking a cab to his parent's house.

Brock nodded, placing his hand on top of Brian's, "I'm fine." He answered with a smile. "Just want to get off this plane."

Brian couldn't help but to grin back, "You know that's not what I meant."

"I know what you meant," Brock said. "And I'm _fine_." He emphasized. And as of right now, he was telling the truth, he was fine. The nap on the plane had made him feel better, and since Brian had been honest with him, he felt okay about facing his boyfriend's parents. He gave the younger man a small kiss, "You don't have to worry," He trailed off, still smiling.

Brian shrugged, "If you say so."

A few more minutes later, the plane was descending in the sky and preparing for landing. It was a hassle, getting off with their luggage and maneuvering their way through the crowd, but the two finally were able to exit, and they found themselves wandering through the Dublin airport. Brock found himself looking in every direction, there was just so much around. "This place is huge!" He exclaimed, and they hadn't even left the airport yet. Brian just let out a chuckle, watching his boyfriend in amazement. He looked so happy, smiling radiating on his pretty face. Despite his parents, despite the circumstances, he knew that they were going to have a good time here with each other.

"Slow your role, Moo Moo, we haven't even left the airport yet." He laughed, reaching down between them and grabbing his hand as they walked. They continued to make their way through the airport, weaving in and out of the crowds until finally the exit doors came into view. Getting outside and getting a cab was essential, so the couple did just that. The streets of Dublin were busy, the hustle and bustle of random people going about their day. Brian found it amusing to watch Brock as he watched the outside world. And Dublin? Well Dublin was just beautiful, especially now in the middle of summer. The flowers and trees were in bloom, the cobblestone paths were clear, and the sky was almost as blue as Brian's eyes. "Well..." The Irishman trailed off as the cab drove to their destination that was Brian's parent's house. "I take it you like it here so far?" He asked.

"Like it?" Brock scoffed. "Brian, it's beautiful here."

"We're going to have a lot of fun." He smiled, and went quiet. Brock could tell he had something else to say, so he waited for him to speak. It was clear, the hesitation that was written in his voice. "Uh, Brock? If it's okay with you, I'd rather not tell my parents right away. We should get settled first, and then tell them that we're together. I think it will be easier that way." He felt like he was rambling, and he knew he probably was, but this was something that he had to run by his boyfriend. He didn't want him to feel bad that he didn't introduce him as his partner right away. But they had to have some kind of plan, something that would make this go more smooth, more easy on them.

Brock shook his head, "No, I agree. It's not really something you can really just come out and say." He replied. "At dinner, or something like that." He suggested.

"Yeah." Brian agreed. "That sounds good."

"Don't work yourself up, everything is going to be okay." Brock said, taking the younger man's hand in his once more. It was a feeling he would never grow tired of, especially since they felt like they were made for each other. "Like you said before, we can do this, we can deal with it." He was trying to be encouraging, trying to be supportive just like Brian had been earlier, and he felt like he was doing a pretty good job of it. They were a team, they were good for each other, and if they could face what they had already dealt with before, this small little task should seem like a walk in the park. It should be difficult, it shouldn't be strained, and both of them were hoping that this would go smoothly.

The cab ride was relatively short, or at least it felt that way to Brock and Brian. Because soon they were pulling into the tiny driveway of Brian's parent's house, the house he grew up in when he was just a boy. And when he saw it, his heartbeat immediately picked up in his chest. This was it. And albeit they weren't telling his parents straight away, he was still a little nervous for when the time would come. Brock sensed his panic, and squeezed his hand gently. No words were needed, they only exchanged small smiles as they got out of the cab with their bags in tow, and headed into the small cottage like home.

Brian didn't knock, he didn't feel the need to. He walked into the old home with Brock following behind him, and they shut the door gently once they were inside. "Mom? Dad?" He called out, Irish lilt echoing through the small house. He sat he and Brock's bags down beside the door, and grabbed Brock's hand to pull him along as they walked through the tiny living room, maneuvering through couches and coffee tables. "Anybody home?" He called out once more. Brock had to admit, he did feel a bit awkward here, but that was only because he was in an unfamiliar place. He'd soon warm up to it, and besides, he had Brian with him to help him adjust.

After a few more moments passed by, an older woman came bounding out of the kitchen, hair like Brian's piled a top her head, messy apron tied around her waist and a mixing spoon in her hand. "Is that my baby Brian? Oh your father is going to flip when he comes back from the store." Her Irish accent was thicker than Brian's, Brock picked up on that almost immediately. She looked like a nice woman, there was no doubting that, and she had a huge smile on her face as she made her way towards her son. "I'm so glad you're finally here!" She exclaimed as she wrapped her small arms around the younger man. He practically towered over her as he hugged his mother. "How was your flight? Are you hungry? Oh! You're probably tired!" She continued to ask questions as she looked at Brian with the same eyes that he had, baby blue. All while Brock just stood uncomfortably behind his boyfriend watching the scene unfold.

"Alright ma, one question at a time," Brian laughed as he looked over the shorter woman. He then motioned for Brock to come forward. "There's someone I want you to meet, though." He spoke as Brock gave a shy smile. "This is Brock, the one I was telling you about who helped me get settled in LA." His voice was gentle when he spoke of Brock, something that was involuntary. He couldn't help but to smile as he introduced him to his mother, who was smiling as well.

"It is so nice to meet you, Brock!" She exclaimed. "My Brian sure does talk about you a lot." The woman gushed.

"It's nice to meet you too... Mrs-"

"Oh, you can just call me mom!" She got out, grinning. Brock noticed that she and Brian had a similar smile, and he also couldn't help but to notice that Brian had received most of his personality from his mother. She was kind hearted, funny, a gentle soul. And she didn't wait for Brock's reply before she started talking again. "Are you two hungry? I'm making lunch right now, should be done soon... You can sit down and get comfortable." She said before turning and beginning to walk back into the kitchen.

Brian grabbed her arm before she could escape, "Actually, we were going to go out for lunch, if that's okay with you... Brock's never been to Dublin and I was going to show him around for a bit. And we still need to get checked into our hotel... We were just going to meet up here later to take you and dad out to dinner tonight, so we could all have a good time and catch up then." He explained as he listed off all the things he and Brock still needed to do. He watched as his mother took in everything he just said, and he hoped that she would let them go without much trouble.

She nodded, "You can go out for lunch, but I'll be damned if I let you two stay in a hotel while you're here. You can stay with us, your father and I won't mind. Your room is exactly how you left it." She grinned. Brian didn't mind staying here with his parents, it was Brock he was worried about. He didn't want the older man to feel uncomfortable while he was in Ireland, especially not since they knew a storm was probably coming later on. So, he did the only sensible thing, and he asked him.

Brian turned to look at Brock, "That okay with you?"

He nodded, "Sure. I wouldn't mind staying here."


	33. run away now and forevermore

"Okay, you can say it." Brian got out once they got into his room and shut the door.

"Say what?" Brock inquired as he made his way over to Brian's bed. He sat down on it, taking in the sight of his boyfriend's old bedroom. They had left their suitcases by the door, and he was shocked to say the least that the room was actually clean. He knew better though, he knew that his mom had probably cleaned it before they arrived. It was a pretty typical bedroom though; light colors, photos and mementos on the walls. A desk was shoved in the corner, old computer on top of it, among other papers and other miscellaneous things. This room wasn't Brian, Brock could tell. His personality had left it when he'd first moved out into the tiny apartment. It was plain, no sense of anyone being here for awhile... But that was to be expected, nobody had been here for a few years at least.

"That I am a complete mama's boy." He joked as he plopped down on the bed beside his boyfriend. It felt nice to sit down after being bugged by his mom downstairs. Albeit, he did enjoy seeing her after all this time... She was overbearing. And he knew she was just trying to be a good host, but still. He could tell Brock had been overwhelmed. "Are you sure you're okay with staying here?" He asked as the thought came to his mind. "We can still go to a hotel... Have some alone time..." His hand went to Brock's thigh as if to prove a point.

Brock sighed, moving the Irishman's hand away. "I just want to make your parents happy."

"And you will." Brian replied. "My mom already loves you."

The older man chuckled, "You think?" He let out a sigh and let his eyes drift once more. "She is pretty cool..." He trailed off. A picture on the wall caught his eye, "Is that you?" He inquired as he stood up to look at it. It was his parents, obviously, and it looked like a much younger Brian standing between them. His ears were still huge, his smile still brighter than ever. Brock picked up the picture frame to get a better look. "You were cute." He grinned, looking over at the younger man.

"What are you saying?" Brian scoffed. "I'm not cute anymore?" He joked.

"You want the truth?" Brock asked.

Brian pushed him playfully, "You know you love me."

"I do." Brock replied. "And if I can recall correctly, it's been a long time since you've last kissed me."

Their lips were dangerously close as Brian wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's body. "You know, all you have to do is ask." He grinned, before allowing their lips to meet in a sweet kiss. It was light and chaste and that was all Brock needed from the younger man at the moment. He couldn't ever resist or get over the feeling of his lips, or his stubble, or his nose that brushed against his own. "You ready to head out then?" He asked once they separated. "Dublin is waiting." He continued. Brock merely agreed and they gathered their things and headed back downstairs. He let his mother know he was leaving and that they would meet for dinner later. It was his father whom he was worried about. After all, his mom had always been the one on his side supporting him. His dad was going to be the difficult one and Brian knew it. "Are you okay with walking?" Brian asked.

"Of course." Brock answered. Lunch was first, that was a given. Both men were starving from their ever long flight, and the place that Brian wanted to take his boyfriend wasn't that far away. And so they walked, hand in hand, down the busy sidewalk while Brock continued to take in all the people, places, and things. There was just so much to look at, and Brian couldn't help but to watch the older man as he marveled at Dublin's beauty. Fortunately for them, the weather was actually fair, and Brian was glad. Hell, it fluctuated so much in Ireland, he was sure that it would rain at least a few times while they were here. But the sun was high in the sky, late morning breeze running through the air as they made it to the small café that Brian would always come to when he was a kid.

He and Brock made their way inside, got a table for two, and looked over the menus to order their food. "So," Brian was the first to speak between the both of them as they sat there, deciding what they wanted to eat. "What did you think of my mom?" He inquired. "A little much, yeah?" He grinned fondly while speaking of her, Brock noticed that right away.

"She acts like you." The older man answered.

"You think?" Brian raised an eyebrow. "I have heard that before... My father... Well, he's not as chipper as she is." He explained, and Brock looked at him quizzically, wondering just what he meant by that. Surely, he couldn't be that bad, could he? But Brock had never met him so he couldn't pass judgment. He just hoped it wouldn't be as bad as his head was making it out to be. He attempted to keep the positive thoughts flowing as they ordered their lunch and ate in small conversation as well as witty banter. And lunch was good! Brock didn't know what he was expecting of the food, but he enjoyed it, and his stomach was more than full by the time they finished.

After eating, they still had a lot of time to kill before dinner with Brian's parents, so the couple wandered around Dublin, stopping wherever their hearts desired. They went into small shops, parks, and other miscellaneous things... Brian had a story for nearly every place because this was his home, this was where he grew up. Brock listened to his boyfriend talk and talk and talk, and he couldn't help but to study his face, study every feature and fall in love with him all over again. He found himself thinking... _How could he be so lucky?_ But was it luck? He wasn't able to tell? All he did know was that he was so glad to have Brian in his life, so glad to have the privilege to call him his. "God... I love you." He hadn't meant to say it out loud in that moment right there, and it definitely caught the Irishman off guard.

He stopped midsentence, eyebrows threading together in confusion as a smile gave to his beautiful lips. "I love you too, Brocky... Are you okay?" He questioned, placing a hand on his forehead to act as though he was checking for a fever. "You don't feel warm..." He trailed off as they walked, streets of Dublin still busier than ever.

Brock laughed, "What? I just can't tell you I love you? There has to be a reason?"

"I'm just fucking with you." Brian replied in an instant, taking the older man's hand in his once more, squeezing it tight. God, never wanted to let go. He never wanted to let Brock go. He wanted to hold onto him forever, feel his hand in his own forever. This, well this was simply just not enough, and both of them knew that and felt that way. And maybe they knew something big was coming with Brian's parents, and that's why their lovingness was so strong towards each other right now. This little adventure in Dublin meant so much more, had so much more truth behind it. Both of them knew that, both of them knew that this was their future, this was forever... And one wrong move could take it all away. They were aware.

"It's getting late," Brock pointed out. "Shouldn't we head back?" He asked.

Brian nodded, "Good point, let's go." He began his walk in the opposite direction, pulling Brock right along with him. He felt like he was a teenager, dragging Brock all around the city he grew up in, showing him around... He felt like nothing in the world would bother them, even though that was nothing like the case, nothing like the situation they were in at all. Dinner would happen, Brock would meet his old fashioned, stubborn dad, and reality would come crashing back down on them, harder than ever. And he wasn't sure if they were ready for that. Of course, he s _aid_ they were... But saying something and meaning something were two totally different things, and that's what Brian was scared of.

The house came into view, and Brock spoke again, "Are you ready for this?"

"Ready as I'll ever be, I suppose." Brian answered. "We'll be okay." He continued with a nod as they approached the house. His mom and now his dad were probably both inside, waiting for them, waiting for dinner. Brian knew this was probably going to be the most awkward dinner of his life, but he didn't care. He loved Brock, he wanted them to know, and he wanted to be happy. He was so tired of hiding behind lies, hiding behind falseness of his identity. His parents needed to know, and he wasn't going to hide Brock or anything else any longer because he knew that it got you nowhere in the long run.

Brock pulled him in for another quick kiss, "Let's do this."


	34. so terrified of happy

The house was quiet when Brian and Brock made their way inside. "My parents are probably getting ready for dinner." Brian chimed in, shedding some light on where they might be and clearing up any confusion that Brock might have had. If they listened hard enough, they could hear them shuffling around up on the second floor. He hoped that the two of them heard them come in the door, that way his parents knew he and Brock were home. "Let's go get ready." Brian added, grabbing the older man's hand, pulling him up the stairs and to his bedroom - or _their_ bedroom, for this trip at least. He didn't say anything of it, but Brock's palms were sweaty... And he knew that only happened when he was anxious. He had a feeling that something was coming, sooner or later.

They got into the room, and Brian shut the door behind them so they could dress, get ready, and talk without his mother and father hearing them. "I'm nervous." Brock got out, unable to hold it in any longer. His voice was lack of breath, and he sounded shaky. He had done all he could to conserve the nerves, but now, they were taking over his whole body. It had been building and building and building. And right now...? Well, now he felt like he was about to combust. His chest heaved with deep breaths, something he did to calm himself, but it didn't seem to be working.

Immediately, Brian took him into his arms. "It's okay to be nervous, Brocky." His Irish lilt was low, gentle, coaxing... It was a tone of voice that he knew worked to calm his boyfriend down. Time and time again, he found himself using it, but he would do it, he would do anything for Brock. He couldn't help the small smile that crossed his lips, "Remember what we talked about, we're going to be fine." They had discussed this over and over again, time after time, and it all came down to this; just them. Just the two of them being there for each other, supporting each other. "I love you." He spoke once more, pressing a kiss to the older man's cheek, a comforting aspect that he always enjoyed.

"Okay." He nodded in reply.

"Okay." Brian confirmed.

After Brock had calmed down a bit, he and Brian began to change into their new clothes and get ready for the dinner that was sure to be from hell. Dress pants and button ups were the chose attire for the evening. Both of them still weren't really sure what to expect. It was a completely different situation that either of them had dealt with before. Maybe that's why the nerves were so high, maybe that's why they couldn't really concentrate. "Should I wear a tie?" Brock interrupted the silent concentration of them getting ready.

Brian was fumbling with his messy hair when he turned around to look at Brock, a laugh escaping his lips, "You packed a tie?"

"Of course I did," Brock replied. "I want to impress your parents." He reached a pulled a couple of ties from his suitcase. "I brought one for you too." He smiled and offered the Irishman a tie.

Brian took it gratefully, "Help me tie it?" He asked, wrapping the garment around his neck, tucking it underneath his shirt collar. Brock obliged, stepping closer to him, allowing his nimble fingers to grab the fabric and begin playing with it. "What would I do without you?" Brian smiled jokingly, kissing his boyfriend's lips. He sure as hell didn't know what he would do without the loving man in front of him, and damn, he never wanted to have to find out. Brock was about to respond, until there was a hard knock at the bedroom door. They quickly moved away from each other before Brian called out, "Come in!" And that's when his mother came through the door, wearing something dressy herself.

"Oh, look at you all dressed up." She gushed as she eyed her son and Brock, who was finishing up tying his own tie. "Your father is all ready to go, so just come downstairs when you're all finished." She got out, smiling slightly. After all, Brian knew he still had to introduce Brock to his father, and that was something he was nervous for as well. His mother? Well she had been easy. They had similar personalities and Brian knew that his mom was on his side no matter what. However, he knew couldn't say the same for his father.

"We'll be right down." The younger man replied, sending his mother back out of his room. Once she left, he shut the door once more, and went back to Brock. "You ready to do this?" He questioned, heart thrumming in his chest like the wings of a hummingbird. He grabbed Brock's hands and brought them to his lips, placing a few butterfly kisses there, on his knuckles. The older man just nodded, swallowing the lump that was oh so ever rising in his throat. Brian sighed, dropping his boyfriend's hands. "Let's go meet dear old dad." He got out, voice sarcastic and laced with discernment. Surely he couldn't be that bad, could he? But Brian knew that tonight was going to be awkward as hell. They headed downstairs and saw Brian's parents waiting patiently on the couch. "Dad?" The Irishman's voice echoed throughout the house. "There's someone I want you to meet." He got out as he approached the much older man.

His dad was gruff, that was really the only thing Brock could think of as he eyed him carefully. But he definitely say traces of happy go lucky Brian there. "It's nice to meet you sir." Brock spoke, voice shaky, monotone, and his stature was stiff, his body was stiff, and right now he just wanted Brian's arms around him more than anything. "I'm Brock." He continued, offering his hand to shake. Goddamn, he was nervous. So so so nervous.

"This is the guy I was telling you about," Brian interjected. "He helped me move and get settled in LA."

Brian's dad extended his own hand to shake Brock's, "It's nice to meet you too, Brock." His grip was firm but his smile was kind and Brock was relieved. "Let's go get some food, I'm starving!" He got out turning around and heading towards the door. Brian turned to give Brock an odd look, but they pushed everything aside and followed the much older man out to the car so they could get to the restaurant. The drive there was antagonizing. Brian and Brock couldn't help but to eye each other as they sat in the back seat. Both of them were probably having the same thoughts right about now. They were both terrified of admitting to their relationship. But other than that, the car ride was mostly quiet aside from a simple question here and there, or a song on the radio that Brian's dad liked.

When they finally did arrive to the place they were eating, they got a table for four, and sat down to order their food. It was a relatively nice restaurant, and Brock was impressed as he took his seat beside Brian. They sat closely together so they could hold hands underneath the table. Brian didn't think he was going to get the right words out of his mouth unless his boyfriend was right next to him. "So, Brock?" It was Brian's mother who interrupted the silence once they all finished ordering their food and were waiting for it. "Do you do that youtube thing too?" She asked.

Brock nodded, "That's actually how Brian and I met each other." He revealed. "And we've been best friends ever since." He smiled fondly.

"That's exciting!" His mom got out. "So where are you from, then?" She continued.

"Utah. Brock is from Utah..." Brian answered for him, anxiety pulsing through his every vein. He felt Brock squeeze his hand, trying to get him to calm down, and it worked, if only for a second. This night would surely be the death of him, he knew it. His heart was pummeling in his chest like fucking freight train and if he were being honest with himself, it was hard to breathe.

His dad chuckled, "For god's sake Brian, let the boy talk."

Brian apologized sheepishly, "Sorry."

"Our Brian really does talk about you a lot," His mother said to Brock, bringing it up for the second time since they'd met him. The waiters came with their food, dropping it off as the conversation continued. "You've been a really great friend to him." She added on as they began to eat, and Brian knew that this was it. The moment had come and he knew he could no longer hold in what he had to say. He squeezed Brock's hand as hard as he could, letting him know that _this_ was about to happen. His nerves were practically swallowing him, and he could feel an eternal blush on his too white cheeks.

"Actually, mom, dad..." Brian began. "There's something I need to tell you... Or, Brock and I need to tell you." He corrected himself.

"Oh?" His father asked, mid bite of food.

"What is it?"

Brock turned his head to look over at his boyfriend, asking with his eyes if he wanted him to do it... If he wanted him to tell of their relationship. Brian merely shook his head at him, knowing that he had to man up. He had to take charge and do this after all the pain and hurt that he caused Brock. "Yeah well..." He continued to talk, throat feeling tight as he stared down at his plate of food. His mother and father gestured for him to go on, and he took a deep breath, probably one of the deepest he'd ever taken, before he spoke. "Brock and I are in a relationship..." He got out, looking up from his plate of food. "We're together and we've been together for a while." His blue orbs were clear as he stared at his parents, and he had Brock's hand in a death grip underneath the table. But it felt so good to exhale those words from his body after all this time of holding them in. When his parents didn't say anything, he just kept on talking, "I love him." He concluded, and Brock blushed at hearing him say these things to his parents out loud. But it was done and over with, and they had no idea what his mother and father were going to say next.


	35. i wanna sleep next to you

The moment of silence that followed after was deafening, and Brian swore that he could hear is ears ringing. His hands were beginning to sweat as he still hung onto Brock's in a tight grip beneath the table. And they waited. Waited for a word, waited for a reaction, and it felt like forever. His blue eyes melted into the ones that matched across the table, and he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in when his mother was the first to speak. "That's certainly not unexpected..." She began, putting her fork down and giving a small smile. "Not with the way you talked about Brock." She continued, pausing slightly, as if waiting for his father to jump in and say something. He didn't. "Brian, honey, all that matters is that you're happy... And by the looks of it, this young man makes you very happy." She gestured to Brock who still wasn't saying anything either.

Brian shook his head, "I just know how you guys can be... And I..." He didn't know what to say.

"We were both really nervous." Brock finally commented, entering the awkward atmosphere.

"That's completely understandable," His mother replied.

Another few moments of silence went by afterward, when Brian's dad had finally finished his food and looked up from his plate. "How long?" He inquired. And his voice was void of emotion, as well as his facial expression. He was a very hard to read man, and Brian could feel his heartbeat beginning to pick up pace again. He knew he wasn't out of the woods yet, figuratively speaking, and he knew with his father, he would never be. It was always going to be a problem, and he knew that since they were in public, his dad wouldn't cause a scene, but later, later he would face consequences.

"Since I moved to LA." Brian answered shortly, trying to focus on the movements of Brock running his thumb over the top of his hand to coax him. Of course he and Brock had been friends for a long time, but when Brian moved to California, that was when the real relationship began. That was when he really knew of his feelings for Brock. And he had sorted this all out before, but he hated the fact that he had to sit here and spill everything to his parents. "We plan on staying together for a long time, moving in with each other... And I knew I had to tell you guys." The Irishman continued, hoping every second that the tension would lighten up, or the awkward aura would just go away. It didn't. The rest of dinner was short, small talk about the weather or other things of that nature, and Brian knew that that wasn't good in even the slightest.

And the car ride home? It was completely and utterly quiet. Not a single word was said as Brock and Brian sat in the back seat, hands linked together between them. His mind got lost as he looked out the window, wondering just what this all meant. Whatever it was, he hoped that he would be able to get through it; he hoped that he and Brock would be able to get through it together. When they arrived back to the small house, the four of them headed inside. "You two get some rest now," Brian's mom interrupted the silence for what seemed like umpteenth time that night. "We'll have breakfast bright and early and find something to do, okay?" She kissed Brian on the cheek, whispering into his ear, " _I'll talk to him._ " And Brian knew immediately that she was talking about his dad. He knew right then and there that this situation was entirely fucked. And he watched with tired eyes as his parents headed upstairs and into their room, shutting the door behind them.

He turned to Brock, noticing the man had been particularly quiet all night... But, he had a good reason to be. "Well, that could have gone better." He let out an exasperated sigh. "Let's go to bed." He suggested, pulling the older man up the stairs, to the room that belonged to them on this trip. With the door shut and locked behind them, both of them began to shrug out of their dress clothes and ready for bed. Once everything was as it should be, they climbed into bed, into each others arms, Brock resting with his head on his boyfriend's unkempt chest. The cool breeze blew in from the open window, and their breaths were gentle as Brian let his fingers play on the older man's body.

"Honestly," Brock spoke. "It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be."

"I guess you're right." Brian replied. "It definitely could have been worse." He was just glad that the confession was over, the confrontation was over... At least for now it was. He knew deep in the back of his mind that eventually he was going to have to deal with the aftermath of it all. But right now? He didn't care about any of that. His focus was on Brock; the man he loved with everything in his being, the man that he was doing all of this for. He focused in the gentleness of his breaths and the softness of his skin. "They're probably talking about us right now." He let out with a shake of his head, allowing his blue eyes to focus on the ceiling. It wasn't like him to worry like this. It was so out of character for himself that he wasn't even sure of anything.

Brock moved so that he was looking up at him through his lashes, before placing a small kiss in the crook of his neck. "Hey, it's done. Whatever happens now is beyond your control, okay? And I think you did an amazing job." He praised him and he praised him well, because Brian owned up to what he said he was going to. "Are you okay?" He continued to ask, his voice lowering, going sweet and soft for the Irishman holding him as it did time and time again whenever they talked late like this. It was always the late talks that were the most meaningful, at least, that's what Brock had concluded after all this time.

"For now? I guess so." Brian answered, finally meeting his boyfriend's gaze. His eyes were intense, dark, but showed the twinkle there that he always had loved and adored. And he kissed him with a fever that had been building all night. Their lips had been neglected, and when they had reunited in Utah with each other the previous day, the two never really got the chance to properly reacquaint with each other. It was like they could read each others mind, because when Brian pulled away and asked, "Do you want to?" All Brock had to do was nod before their lips crashed together once more. Slowly, they undressed each other, and what little clothing they did have on made its way to the bedroom floor.

It was quick, and it was needy, but it was everything they wanted in this moment. "Slow down," Brock's voice was barely above a whisper as he felt Brian's nimble fingers wrap around _him_. They were still rookies at this, so they fumbled around in the dark, getting to know each others bodies for only a second time since they'd been in a relationship. Under the covers, they were in their own world. Skin on skin, lips pressing sloppy kisses to wherever they could reach, and small sighs filled the air as each man continued their ministrations. And it was different than the first time, oh so different. It was soft and so euphoric, neither of them really wanting the pleasure, but just the reassurance of each other.

"Turn over," Brian instructed, and Brock obliged, rolling onto his stomach, the mattress hot against his flesh as he felt Brian lie on top of him. He felt him kiss his shoulder blade before pushing deep inside him, and Brian rocked gently as he listened to Brock's small whimpers here and there. His movements were slow, he wanted to make this last. Brock was already so close though, and he dug his fingers into the bed to hold on for just a little while longer. However, Brian reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers as they made love. "It's okay." His lips were in his ear, his voice velvet and smooth. That's when he felt Brock squeeze his hand as he came undone, sighing Brian's name over and over again, eyes shut tight. And when they were done? Silence lingered in the air, that is, until Brian found himself speaking. "If you could go away right now... Anywhere, where would you go?" His voice was hoarse from the night's events as he held Brock in his arms again.

The older man look up at him quizzically, a smile surfacing. "Well... I'm pretty happy here right now." His answer was simple but he knew there was deeper meaning to what his boyfriend was getting at, and it worried him. It wasn't like Brian to ask questions like that.

"Yeah, me too..." It was a sigh. "But haven't you ever like just wanted to go away somewhere, and stay there? And like, I don't know... Just never come back?"

"Brian." Brock's voice was serious. "I just want to be with you, alright? I love you."

"I know," He replied. "I just... I have a bad feeling something's going to happen."

"Like what?" The older man asked.

Another sigh, "I don't know..."

Brock chuckled, "So you want to run away?"

"Maybe," It was a laugh when it came out as well. This whole situation was complicated, messy, and Brian knew that. Hell, Brock even knew it. It was complex and disheveled but if he was being honest with himself, he wouldn't have it any other way. He knew if it was meant to be, it would be... And that was the kind of faith that the Irishman was relying on right now. He needed it, and he needed to be strong for both himself and for Brock. If they could get through this trip unscathed, then they could do anything.

Brock interrupted his train of thought, "Stop worrying and go to sleep, okay?"

Brian nodded, kissing his boyfriend's forehead. "Goodnight, Brocky."


	36. emptiness in my chest

Brock's gentle snores echoed throughout the quiet bedroom, and Brian couldn't help but to subconsciously tighten his arms around him as he slept. He was always so protective of him, it was an instinct. The Irishman had coaxed him into slumber with hushed whispers and gentle coos, lulling him by rubbing his bare back in circular motions. He had fallen asleep relatively easy, probably both mentally and physically exhausted from the day's events. A lot had happened, and Brian didn't blame him for falling asleep directly after their lovemaking session. And now, it was late, and Brian found himself unable to rest. With Brock beside him, he knew sleep should have come with ease, but it didn't. He was definitely too wound up, too tense to relax and go to bed.

The events of the day kept replaying over and over again in his head, and he was still distraught about the whole situation. He wished that there was some different way that they could have gone about it, but rethinking it, he knew he didn't really have a choice. It went the way it went, and it was done and over with. There was going to be fallout and he fucking knew it. He also knew that he wouldn't be able to do anything to prepare for it. It would hit him like a ton of bricks, knock the wind out of him so he wouldn't be able to catch his breath. He wasn't ready, and he knew that if he wasn't ready, then Brock wouldn't be ready either. But how could you prepare or prevent something like this? The question was so ridiculous, he wasn't sure that there was a concrete answer.

As he laid there staring at the ceiling, letting his thoughts wander, the younger man seemed to have worked himself into a tiny bit of an anxiety attack. And suddenly, everything was overwhelming. Brian needed air; all this over thinking was making him crazy. He felt like he was suffocating, if he had to put a word to what he was feeling. Impending doom lingered, his lungs felt like they were being crushed and sleep was not coming, neither was a piece of mind. Air seemed heavenly right now. So, he turned over and looked at Brock, the man still fast asleep, and he hoped he would stay asleep for the time being. Placing a tiny kiss on his forehead, he watched as a smile graced his face if only for a second before carefully getting out of the bed. Brian didn't want to wake up the older man, he didn't want him to worry anymore than he probably already was. Quietly, the Irishman slipped on some clothes before exiting the room and heading downstairs. Thankfully, Brock hadn't moved.

It was quiet in the house as Brian made his way to the backdoor and escaped outside. The stars were out, that was always a good thing, and they seemed to shine even brighter on this dark night. Brian sighed and shook his head, inhaling the cool air, trying to calm himself and his racing thoughts. He sat down on the back steps, burying his head in his hands. It was late, he should have been in bed. He should be upstairs with Brock, but instead? He was out here sulking. Why couldn't his parents just leave him be? Maybe telling them the truth was all a mistake; hell, he couldn't tell what was right and what was wrong anymore. It was always so frustrating... Why couldn't anything just go his way one time? "Goddamn it," He muttered under his breath. He was sick and tired of this nonsense.

However, a voice interrupted him as well as his thought process. "Watch your language, boy." It was his mother that pulled him out of the silence, out of the dark. He turned to look at her, confusion written clearly on his face, which turned into a smile once he saw she was walking towards him. "I thought I heard you come out here." She continued as she sat down beside him, patting his knee in the process. "It is pretty though," She commented, looking up at the sky. It seemed as though even more stars had surfaced in the night, and they twinkled. Brian couldn't help but to think of Brock's eyes; they twinkled like that sometimes, when he was happy. Oh god and he was always happy, except for when Brian broke his heart; the younger man shook his head at the thought.

"I was just getting some air while Brock was asleep." Brian replied, not taking his blue orbs off the sky.

"Something on your mind?" His mom inquired.

"Just thinking," He answered. "Can you tell that easily that something's wrong?" He asked with a small grin.

She chuckled, "Of course I can, you're my son." She nudged him gently before turning over to look at him. "I know whether you want me to know or not." They had always had a strong connection with each other, and like Brian had said before, he had always been a mama's boy. Throughout his childhood, it was his mother who had always been there for him. Hopefully, that wouldn't be any different now. However, matching blue eyes met, and in that moment, his mother gave him a sympathetic look. "You know how your father can be, Brian. And he may not be on your side, but I always will be. You're gonna be okay." Her tone of voice was kind, and the Irishman only gave a sigh. It was like she could read his mind; after all, she was his mother though, so it wasn't that much of a surprise.

"You really think so?"

His mother nodded in return, "Yes, I really think so." She pat her son on the back and stood up, ready to head back inside. "I'll leave you alone for a bit, but you need to get some sleep. We're still going out for breakfast in the morning, okay?" She began her walk to the door, and Brian turned around to say goodnight before watching her head inside. He wanted to say that her words helped, but if he was being honest with himself, he didn't think they did. If anything, they only made him worry more. Was his father ever going to be okay with this? Or would he always disapprove or stay in denial? Brian wished right then and there that he could just stop thinking about it so much. But, it was a big deal, and he didn't have much of a choice. It would stay engraved in his brain whether he liked it or not.

Meanwhile, upstairs, the bed was empty, the sheets cold as Brock's dark eyes fluttered open and he yawned. Disoriented from his sleep, a few seconds had passed before he even realized that he was in the bed alone. The older man sat up, adjusting the blankets so he was still covered up, before rubbing some of the restlessness from his eyes. He assumed that his boyfriend had gone to the bathroom or something, which was why he wasn't here. Or at least, he hoped it was something small like that. Brock was always the one to assume the worst, so he really hoped that it wasn't something bad. He knew Brian, and he knew that it wasn't like him to just up and leave in the middle of the night, especially since they weren't even _home_. But he let out another yawn, and decided to wait a few more moments before checking to see where he was.

After a few more minutes of being outside, Brian figured it was late enough, and he really should try to get some sleep. In fact, he was growing a bit tired. So with another sigh, he stood up and went through the back door, heading upstairs, back to the bedroom that he shared with Brock. He tried his hardest to be quiet so he wouldn't wake up the occupants in the house, but when he opened the bedroom door, Brock was already awake. He was sitting up in the bed, eyes still sleepy, looking like he was waiting for his boyfriend's return. "Have you been awake long?" Brian questioned, his voice a whisper as he got undressed and climbed back into the bed.

Brock shook his head, "Where were you?" His dark eyes met Brian's lighter ones as the younger man laid back down in the bed beside him. Brock decided it was okay for himself to lay back down as well. He rest his head on the Irishman's chest, listening to his heartbeat; it was fast, then slow, then fast again... Almost erratic. "Are you alright?" His voice was softer now, and he placed a kiss on his chest.

"I just went to get some air, I couldn't sleep." Brian answered, letting his hands go to Brock's head, fingers running through the short tufts. "I'm fine." He tried to reassure him, but the shakiness of his words pretty much gave him away. Brock knew him, and yes, Brock knew him well. He wasn't okay, he was trying to save face when really, he was having pain inside him. "Brocky, I know that look," He interrupted the older man's contemplating face and kissed his forehead. "And I promise you, I am fine, really." In all honesty, he just wanted to enjoy the rest of this trip without the antagonizing moments with his parents.

"You should go to sleep, it's late." Brock changed the subject, figuring that was best for now.

Brian grinned, "Hm, you're one to talk."

"Just go to sleep." The older man smiled in return, before tightening his grip and closing his eyes.


	37. swore i'd never lose control

To say breakfast was awkward, was a total understatement. Despite Brian's mother's attempts to keep the conversation going, it always fell flat. One or two words were spoken, and inevitable silence followed after. It was definitely a struggle, and the younger man had just about had enough of all of this nonsense. All morning had been like this, and Brian was beginning to regret this trip to Dublin... He was beginning to regret bringing Brock here after all. His parents were wishy washy on everything and he and Brock were caught and stuck in the middle. Brian couldn't believe that his father was being like this, even after his mother had tried to talk some sense into him. Sure, he had always been stubborn, but never _this_ bad; what had gotten into him? Brian wasn't sure why he was acting this way.

So, all they did was eat their food in unbearable silence, air consisting of tension between the four of them. And Brian couldn't help but to send small, apologetic glances to Brock every now and again. He felt horrible for doing this to his boyfriend. In his mind, this trip had gone better, it was supposed to have gone better... But it was far too late to be having thoughts like that now. He shook his head at the thought as his mom interrupted the silence for the umpteenth time already that morning. "So..." She trailed off, using her fork to get another bite of food. "Do you two have plans for the day? Dublin has got a beautiful garden right by our house." She had a smile written on her face and Brian had to thank her for at least trying.

"We're not sure yet," Brian answered. "But we're supposed to do something." He wasn't able to meet her gaze and he felt horrible because of it. It wasn't his mother's fault, it was his dad's. And yet he still felt so uncomfortable right here in front of them, afraid to talk; and if he felt like that, he could only imagine what Brock was feeling like right about now. His stature was stiff, his hands shook gently, just barely enough for Brian to take notice, and his cheeks were stained a light pink. He was blushing, either from nerves or from embarrassment, the Irishman couldn't tell. This whole thing had gone to shit.

"Brian is pretty creative when it comes to dates..." Brock trailed off, looking towards his boyfriend's mother.

"Well isn't that just sweet?" She replied, smiling fondly at her son. "I knew I raised a gentleman." Brian could see his father's fist tighten around his fork at his mother's words. She was making him angry, and he knew it would only be a matter of time before it started to really show. But his mother kept jabbering on, asking questions and pestering, not that the couple minded, but Brian knew that his father oh most certainly did. "Or maybe he gets it from his father," She continued. "I've been on some pretty great dates myself."

"How did you two meet?" Brock inquired, trying to make the conversation last for more than a minute.

"High school, if you can believe it." She grinned. "I helped Brian's dad with some homework and that's how it all started."

"She was the smartest lass in school," Brian's father finally jumped into the conversation and Brian and Brock were both a little shocked. Maybe that meant things were changing? It was hard to tell. But he started talking about how they met and their first date and other things of that nature. Breakfast had seemed to take a bit of a turnaround as everyone ate what was left of their food. However, when the waitress brought the check to their table, that was when things went south again. "She's a nice looking girl, huh Brian?" His father's voice was sarcastic, smart aleck in its own way, and Brian could feel his stomach churning at what he had said. He knew he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up. His dad would always be stubborn, angry, and closed minded. He would never be accepting of the kind of love he and Brock had, no matter if his mother was on his side or not.

"Dad..." Brian trailed off shaking his head. "Brock and I would really appreciate if you didn't say things like that."

"It's not necessary..." His mother chimed in, resting her hand on her husband's arm.

"Like it or not, Brock is my _boyfriend_ , okay? We're together." It was like saying that word out loud had triggered him or something, and Brian could tell. Gears were turning in his head, and he was realizing that this was real. It was real and Brock was here and they had to deal with it. However, how they chose to deal with it was another discussion for another time... Because right now? Brian knew that this situation had gone horribly wrong. He knew that there was no way in hell he'd be able to appease his father now.

It was silent for a moment, and Brian couldn't help but to eye his dad as the older man stared down at his empty plate. He knew he had something to say, he was just trying to think of how to say it. And finally, he took a deep breath before letting it all out. "I don't know how you can sit there and pretend like all of this is normal..." His voice was calm and everyone at the table was taken aback. It was definitely not something they expected to come out of his mouth. "I look at you Brian... And I can't help but to think that I don't even know my own son anymore." It was menacing when it came out; the calm before the storm, and Brian could feel Brock reaching for his hand underneath the table. He had tears in his baby blues, but he wouldn't let them fall. He wouldn't give his father that satisfaction.

"I am the same person. I haven't changed." Brian replied, staring straight ahead, tightening his grip on Brock's hand.

He shook his head, "You're not like this." After that, he stood up, placing a napkin over his plate. "If you'll excuse me I'm going to take care of the check." He picked up the piece of paper and walked away, all eyes on him. And Brian felt empty, his chest hard and he was struggling to take breaths. Had his father really just said all of that? Was this even real? He squeezed Brock's hand, letting him know that he was somewhat okay. Hell, Brock was just as shocked as the younger man. Nobody could have anticipated that this was what would have happened when they got up this morning and got ready for breakfast.

"Honey, I'm so sorry," His mom interjected. "I had no idea he was going to-" Her eyes were full of unfallen tears.

"It's okay." The younger man's voice was monotone. "Brock and I are just going to go." His heart was heavy and he didn't know how to feel about all of this. Maybe he should have never come on this trip... Maybe he shouldn't have brought his boyfriend that he planned on spending the rest of his life with. Why couldn't anything just ever work out for him? He stood up, as well as Brock, and their hands stayed linked together as they maneuvered through the tables and exited the restaurant. Fresh air felt like heaven, and as soon as they got outside and down the sidewalk, Brian broke down, inhaling air in deep gulps like he was drowning. He was upset, he was angry, he was a mess of emotions and Brock stood, holding him, holding him together, unsure of what to say or do. Brian had always been the one in control of his emotions, always the one so level headed.

"Brian, relax." Brock spoke, breaking the unbearable silence between the two of them. He could feel his heartbeat, thrumming violently in his chest, and he didn't want him getting all worked up like that. It wouldn't be good for anyone if he did. "Breathe." He commanded, lips at his ear, voice softer than velvet.

The younger man exhaled, breaths shaky with each bout of air. "Brock..." He trailed off, digging his hands into his boyfriend's shoulders, burying his face in the crook of his neck. People watched them as they walked by, but neither of them cared. This was and would always be a dire situation.

"Shh..." The older man insisted. "It's okay, don't talk... I'm here." And he just stood there and held him. He wasn't sure if he was crying, he wasn't sure if he just needed to be held... And he wasn't sure of how much time had passed either as they stood there, a mess on the sidewalk. But none of that mattered, none of that mattered and it never would. The only important thing was that Brock was here, and he wasn't going anywhere. "You're okay," He coaxed, rubbing small circles on his back.

"I can't believe he said that..."

"Just don't think about it." Brock instantly replied. Usually, it was Brian comforting him, and now he knew that this was his chance to repay him for all the times he was there for himself; and he wanted to do an equally good job of calming his boyfriend down, he had to. After all, this was what he was here for... This is what they agreed to when they started their relationship. They were going to be here for each other no matter what. "Try to calm down, okay? Don't get all worked up Bri." His voice was so smooth, so gentle, and all Brian could do was melt into it, relax, and take deep breaths. His father's words echoed to him in his mind, but Brock was right. He couldn't think about that right now. The older man could feel his heart beginning to slow. "Hey," Brock crooned, "Are you alright now?"

Brian pulled away, face red, eyes itchy, and he found his boyfriend's hand once more as he nodded. "Let's go somewhere." He said, before pulling Brock down the sidewalk, getting as far away from that damn restaurant as they could.


	38. crash and burn is all i know

The air in the motel room reeked of indian food, Brian's favorite, and the couple were a mess on the bed with their takeout containers. Brian's head was in Brock's lap, and Brock's fingers ghosted their way through the younger man's disheveled hair. After they left the restaurant, they knew they needed a place to go and cool down somewhere; a place where they could collect their thoughts. So, Brian led Brock to a small motel, and they ordered comfort food, and here they were, alone, mostly silent, and still upset. Brian could not get his father's words out of his head, they were on replay, over and over and over again... And he tried to focus on the rhythm of Brock's fingers and breath, but it only worked for a few minutes before he started to panic again.

His heartbeat would falter, and then pick up, and then falter again. "I don't know why he's acting like this is a surprise..." Brian trailed off, his voice quiet. "I never brought home girls... And the only girl I did date, he set me up with her." His hands touched Brock as he let out a sigh, speaking of his father like that. "Why can't he see how happy you make me?" It was a rhetorical question, mostly, and he only ended up shaking his head once more. He knew that he would probably never know why his dad felt the way he did. He would never know why he was so hateful about everything. "I mean..." Brian trailed off once more. "You're a great guy, Brock... Why doesn't he see that?" There were so many questions with no answers.

Brock's fingers slowed as he looked down at his boyfriend, his dark eyes shining with affection, with such gentleness. This was something that was beyond their control, something that they had no power over... And Brock knew this feeling all too well. "I told you already, you need to stop thinking about it." He massaged his scalp where his digits had stopped, and the younger man hummed in content. "You're only working yourself up again... And he'll have to come around eventually, right? He's your dad." Surely, he would, wouldn't he? Brian was his only son, and to just _say something_ like he had at breakfast was so uncalled for, nobody knew it was going to come out of his mouth.

"But what if he doesn't?" Brian replied, without missing a beat, sitting up and making direct eye contact with Brock.

Brock's gaze faltered, hesitation in his eyes. He didn't like this feeling, he didn't like where the subject was going. And he wished that he could say something to make the Irishman feel better, but if he were being honest with himself, he had nothing. Because he knew, he knew how things like this worked out, and he didn't want to make Brian even more upset than he already was. So he wracked his mind for something sensible to say, but it just sounded awkward when it came out. "Then you... Adjust." He got out, looking away, and immediately he felt Brian grab his hands.

"Brocky, is there something you're not telling me here?" This time, it was the younger man's voice that got soft as he turned his head so that his boyfriend was looking at him again. He thought he knew almost everything about Brock... But by the way he was talking, and by the way his body language was, Brian could definitely detect that there was something wrong. Of course, he didn't want to pry, he only wanted Brock to feel better. "You can talk to me, you know that, yeah?" The softness of his Irish lilt caused Brock to give a small smile as he squeezed hands. He knew he could talk to him, and that simple fact made his heart swell.

"I know." The older man answered with a nod. "But I don't want to make this about me... It's about you." His father had pretty much just belittled him, embarrassed him, and Brian was having a crisis at the moment. It didn't feel right to change the subject or make the conversation about himself, at least, that's what Brock had thought. It was common courtesy. He just wanted to be here, supporting the Irishman, and giving him the unconditional love that he deserved.

"Brock, you know I don't care." Brian rolled his eyes at him. Of course he would say something like that, after all, it was Brock he was talking about. Selfless, caring, loving, Brock. And he wanted to know what was on his mind... He wanted to know what was troubling him. "Besides, we're a team, we're both here for each other... So if you feel comfortable, you can tell me what's bothering you." His eyes were kind as he continued to assess the man sitting in front of him. A topic like this had never come up in one of their conversations before, so it was no wonder that Brock had a story to tell, or something to share. All in all, Brian was glad that it had came up, because if not, who knew when he would have found out what Brock was about to tell him.

"I mean, it's not bothering me..." He trailed off. "It's just on my mind now that we're really talking about it... And you're asking about it."

Brian was growing more confused by the second, "Asking about what, Brock?"

Suddenly, Brock sighed, his eyes going straight for Brian's. And the next words that left his lips was something that even Brian hadn't anticipated. It was a complete shock. "My parents didn't accept me either..." Brock revealed, trailing off. Once it was out? He tore his gaze away from his boyfriend, unable to look him in the eye. It felt strange, to say the least, with that simple truth hanging around in the air. It felt weird to know that Brian finally knew that about him, and finally, everything started to make sense. It was no wonder Brock had never invited him to meet his parents, it was no wonder why they were never mentioned... It was because they weren't a part of his life.

"Oh Brocky..." Brian was at a loss for words as his gaze softened. "I'm sorry to hear that."

He shook his head, "Yeah... But I just wanted to let you know that I know how it feels... And that it does get better with time I guess..." He trailed off.

Brian nodded, pulling the older man in for a hug. "We don't have to talk about it anymore, but thank you for telling me." They separated from one another and made eye contact once more. It was apparent now that the two had more in common than they originally thought, and maybe... Just maybe that was why they were such a perfect fit for each other. They didn't need anyone else when they had each other for support, they didn't need anyone else when they were already so happy and content with what they had. And it was there in that moment, in that tiny, shabby motel room, that Brian decided that he didn't want to be with anyone else but Brock. Brock was it, that was all there was to it. He saw himself spending the rest of his life with the older man, and he wanted to make that a plan.

"I don't know why I never told you before." Brock replied with a small shrug. "I guess it just never came up."

"That's okay." Brian nodded. It was quiet after that, the two not really wanting to talk about anything else. So they laid back on the bed, television playing softly as the colors lit up their eyes, all while they finished their meal of indian takeout. Relaxing was what they needed, and it felt so nice to be just kind of isolated in their own little world. They forgot about their problems, forgot about Brian's dad, and for a moment? For one little, bittersweet moment, it felt like they were the only two in the world at the time. It was nice; their fingers in each other's hair, their bodies contorted together, and it almost... Almost made them forget, that is, until Brian's cell phone began to ring. He pulled away from Brock with a groan before grabbing it and answering it. "Hello?" He knew he should have looked at the name on the screen first, but he couldn't help it. It was instinct.

"Brian?" He recognized his mother's voice. It was nice of her to give them some time alone. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He answered simply. "But Brock and I are staying in a motel tonight." Their flight back to the states was the next night anyway, so one night in a motel definitely wouldn't do any harm. Plus, Brian was pretty sure that he didn't want to be in the same household as his father would be. It was too awkward, too suffocating and he didn't want to deal with that just yet.

"Are you sure?" She inquired.

"Yes." He sighed, "I'm sure."

"Okay... Well, your father told me to tell that before you and Brock leave tomorrow, he wants to talk to you." Her voice was hesitant, and Brian's eyebrows knitted together as he listened to her words. What else could he possible have to say? The younger man was confused as he bid his mother farewell, and explained the situation to Brock, who was just as equally confused. Anxiety pooled in his gut, and he wondered just what was going to happen tomorrow before he and Brock went home.


	39. everything is shattering

"You're sure you're okay with waiting in the car?" Brian asked, glancing over at the man sitting beside him in the back of the cab.

Brock nodded, "They wanted to talk to you alone, right?"

"I guess?" The Irishman shrugged. "But you're part of my life now, Brock, okay? They need to realize this." The exhaust of the vehicle echoed in the background of the conversation as they waited outside of Brian's parent's house. It was late in the day, and they had to catch their flight soon, because Brian had put this little chat with his mom and dad off for as long as he could. If he were being honest with himself, he didn't want to be anywhere near him. Sure, his mother wasn't so bad... But still, she was letting it all happen, and he kind of resented her for it. But as soon as he got done talking with them, he and Brock would be on a flight back to the states, and more importantly, back to Utah. That was what he was looking forward to most.

"Just go," Brock got out, squeezing his boyfriend's hand. "I'll give you guys some privacy." His eyes were sad, and his heart was fast, because the simple fact was that he was nervous for the younger man. Brock wanted nothing more than to be able to go in there with Brian and listen to what his parents had to say to him. But that was the thing, they were _his_ parents, and unfortunately, there was nothing he could do about the situation at hand. He was nothing but a bystander, nothing but a piece in the scheme of things. And he couldn't help but to think that this trip would have been better if Brian would have came alone. But he knew better, he knew that the Irishman was tired of keeping secrets.

"I'll try to hurry," Brian said as he opened the car door. He kissed Brock before climbing out and making his way down the sidewalk to the house. This trip had been hell. He regretted it; no, he was sure that regret wasn't the right word for it. He loved showing his boyfriend around Dublin, and he loved them being able to spend more time together... But his parents had been the key piece to his misery. Of course, they didn't know how much Brian and Brock had already been through, and just when Brian thought things were going to finally be normal, they were turned upside down all over again. Would he and the older man ever have a normal relationship? Or would there always be something keeping them from being happy? Brian didn't like to think like that. He liked to stay optimistic.

With an exhale, he turned to look at Brock one more time, the older man giving him a thumbs up, before knocking on the front door of his parent's house. He stood there for a few moments, switching his weight from one foot to the other, before his mother had finally answered. "Brian!" She smiled when she saw him standing there, but Brian didn't feel like smiling. How could she be happy when she knew her own son and husband were feuding with each other? It wasn't a time to smile, or be joyous, and the younger man envied her for that. He just had too much negativity to deal with all of this right now. "It's late... I was starting to think you wouldn't show," She continued as she let her son into the house.

Brian sighed as he sat down on one of the couches, looking away as he heard his mom shut the door. "Yeah, well, Brock's in the car and we have a flight to catch soon, so we need to hurry." His voice was void of any emotion, and he was surprised at himself for keeping his calm and cool composure for so long already. But he knew, whatever his parents, or father really, had to say, he had to be strong, and he couldn't let it get to him. Plus, he had to remind himself that he had Brock to fall back on, and that the older man would be there for him no matter what. But still, that comforting aspect didn't calm his racing heartbeat, or stop his palms from sweating profusely. He was anxious, and there was no other way to put it.

But as soon as the Irishman had said those words, his dad came slowly down the stairs. "Don't worry, I'll keep it short and simple." He interrupted sternly.

Brian couldn't help but to give a glare, "Good."

His father finally made it down the stairs, and sat on the couch across from his son. "There was a reason your mother and I invited you over here... And no, it wasn't so we could meet Brock." He continued, and Brian didn't say anything yet, he only listened, confused, wondering just what his dad was getting at.

His mother sighed, "Just get out with it." Clearly, she was in a rush as well.

"Now Brian... You're a good kid, don't get me wrong..." He began to trail off and Brian tuned out if only for a moment. He didn't want to be here, he wanted to be with Brock, he wanted to be on the plane back home already. This was not important; whatever his parents had to fucking say couldn't be too important, especially not after what his father had done the previous day. But his blue eyes drifted to his mother, who was standing in the doorway of the kitchen with an imminent frown on her face. Her matching eyes were sad, and Brian was still confused. However, his father's voice brought him back from his thoughts. "...I didn't want to say anything with your _boyfriend_ around, but you're getting married." He revealed, and nothing but silence lingered in the air.

"What?"

"You heard me, Brian, you're getting married." His father repeated.

Hell, it took him a moment to process. "Dad, Brock and I haven't-" But his eyes widened in realization as he finally figured out just what exactly his father was talking about. It was _her_. All this time it was her and Brian was blind and immune to it. He stood up, visibly angry now, "No... No... You can't... Are you serious?" He questioned, sending accusing glares to both of his parents. His mother was quiet, sad, letting everything happen and unfold in front of her. "You can't _make_ me marry her!" He yelled, hoping that Brock couldn't hear him out in the car.

"I can, and I will." The older man said simply.

"I love Brock, if I'm marrying anybody it's going to be him." His eyes began to water, and his hands began to shake. It was too much. Arranged marriage? In this day and age? It was practically unheard of. And he would be damned if he had to break Brock's heart again. He couldn't even imagine... He didn't even want to think of that right now. But his chest heaved and he felt like he was going to be sick at any given moment.

"Brian, we are your parents, and you will do as we say." His father was monotone now, it was clear he was trying not to get angry.

"I'm an adult!"

His father shook his head, "Doesn't matter."

The Irishman looked at his mother who hadn't moved from her spot from the kitchen doorway, "You're just going to let this happen!?" He couldn't control the tone of his voice, he was borderline screaming now. "What happened to you being on my team? Supporting me? This is fucking bullshit!" His breathing was erratic, his lungs felt full, and that drowning feeling lingered overtop of him. And finally, he broke. Brian sat back down on the couch, burying his face in his hands. He didn't want to cry in front of his parents, he had wanted to remain strong... But right now? He was sobbing, and his chest ached. "You can't ask me to do that Brock again... I already hurt him once... I just, you can't." His body shook as he let the waves consume him; tears leaking down his face. " _Please_." His voice was breaking, hoarse.

"Everything's already set up. It's not a choice."

It was silent again, Brian still trying to control his weeping. But finally, after a few moments, he looked back up, both of his parents still in the same spot. "How much time?" His voice was still broken, goddamn, his heart was broken. Brock's heart would be broken. Everything was messed up, everything was falling apart... And from that moment, the Irishman began to wonder if he and Brock just weren't meant to be happy together. There was always something working against them. He hated it, and he hated himself because the majority of their problems were his fault.

"A week to get rid of Brock."

"Get rid of him?" He questioned, tears still coming. "Do you even hear yourself right now?" Didn't his parents know what it was like to be in love? Didn't his parents care about his happiness at all? They were being so selfish and Brian couldn't believe it. At that moment, he wanted to just tell them to not bother with him. But they were his parents... Weren't your parents supposed to love you unconditionally no matter what? Brian knew the answer to that question already; only one person loved him unconditionally, and it wasn't the girl that his mom and dad wanted him to marry.

"You know what I mean," His dad got out. "And I'm serious Brian, you're going to go through with this, I don't care if you like it or not."

Another sob shook through him, "Dad..." He shook his head. "Why can't I-"

" _It's not a choice._ "


	40. only fools do what i do

Brock waited and waited inside the back seat of the cab, hoping that Brian's chat with his parents were going well. However, he knew that it wasn't when he heard his boyfriend screaming. He couldn't quite make out what he was saying, as his voice was muffled... But he was hurt, and Brock could oh so easily tell. His heartbeat faltered if only slightly, and for a moment, he contemplated going in to make sure everything was okay. The yelling was one sided, so at least he knew that Brian's parents weren't in there grilling him over something. And again? He couldn't help but to feel like this was his fault; maybe he should have had never come on this trip with the younger man. But Brock knew better, and he knew he couldn't continue to think like that.

So, right there in the back seat of the cab, he tried to clear his head and think of good, positive things. It proved to be a challenge, but he couldn't even wrap his head around what Brian and his parents could possibly be talking about inside. It seemed as though he and Brian would go through trial after trial when it came to this relationship. Brock knew that Brian had promised him after this trip that things with them would be normal once and for all, but now? Brock didn't think that their relationship was ever going to be normal. It was dysfunctional and it always would be. It was a paradox though, because it was something that the older man both loved and hated.

"Look," Brian stood up from the couch and couldn't make eye contact with his parents. "I have to go, Brock and I are going to miss our flight." He felt embarrassed, ashamed... And now he had to go back and face his boyfriend all red eyed and flustered. God, Brock would be able to tell that he had been crying; it wasn't something that he was looking forward to. But without a goodbye, he took a deep breath, rubbed his crystal clear eyes, and headed back outside, slamming his parent's front door in the process. This was shit, everything had gone to shit. How was he going to tell Brock what his parents had just told him? He couldn't, he just possibly couldn't.

When Brock saw Brian exit the house, his heart broke a little more. His hair was messy, and his face and throat splotchy, probably from yelling... And his once bright and sunny eyes were now hazy and blurred with the unfallen tears that the younger man had somehow managed to hold in through that confrontation. He was a mess, and Brock didn't want to bring it up as he watched Brian climb back into the cab with him. Immediately, they linked hands, and not a word was said as the driver began to take them to the Dublin airport. The Irishman's hands were shaking, but Brock only rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb, hoping to calm him down and ease his ever growing nerves.

Finally, when the airport came into view, the older man decided to speak. "I heard you yelling..." He trailed off, voice gentle, coaxing even. He didn't want to invade Brian; didn't want to probe when he knew that it was none of his business. But, Brock knew that the younger man loved him, and if he wanted him to know about what had happened, he would tell him eventually. But maybe now just wasn't the time. They were in a cab with a stranger, getting ready to head into a crowded airport. This was something meant to keep between themselves, something meant to be discussed in the privacy of their own home, or at least when they were alone together. "Are you okay?" Brock gave his hand a squeeze, letting his chocolate orbs soften as soon as he made eye contact with his boyfriend.

Brian sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. His head hurt, and looking at Brock right now was making his chest ache with infinite fever. He couldn't do this, at least not now. Not ever. He _loved_ Brock, loved him with everything in his being. And now? It was all being thrown away once again for his god awful parents who didn't want him to be happy. His mind was cluttered, hell, he couldn't even think straight at the moment. It was too much. "Brocky," His voice was hoarse. "I don't want to talk about it right now... Okay, it's complicated, please..." Brian's eyes were tired when he spoke. "When we get home."

The older man nodded, completely understanding. "It's okay Bri, whenever you're ready." It was a complex subject, Brock was sure of it. That's why he wanted to give Brian his space, he wanted him to feel comfortable in confiding in him. But deep down, Brock knew that something was wrong, or something was going to go wrong. Brian's energy just wasn't right; his shoulders were slumped and his face read no expression. He wasn't sure what, but something had gone down during the talk with his parents. Had they disowned him? Or was it something much worse than that? Brock couldn't even fathom to think of what was going on with his boyfriend at the moment.

The cab pulled into the airport parking lot to drop the couple off, and the two men grabbed their bags and headed inside hand in hand. With each breath that Brian took, he felt like his chest was caving in. With each second that passed, he felt like he was counting down the imminent doom that was inevitable to come. He'd break his promise to Brock, and not only to Brock, but to Evan and the rest of the guys as well. He vowed to never hurt Brock again, and yet, it was going to happen. At the end of the week? Or should he do it sooner? It was going to be hard either way, but Brian just shook his head. He didn't want to think about that right now, so he focused on the weight of his boyfriend's hand in his own. It was calming to say the least.

The plane ride was long, ten hours long to be exact. So, for the most part, the couple slept. Of course, the occasional snack and bathroom break interrupted their bouts of sleep, as well as small conversation here and there. But, they never talked about Brian's parents. They were avoiding the elephant in the room like no other, and the Irishman was glad that Brock was leaving it be. He wasn't ready to rip the band aid off yet. "I love you, okay Brock?" Brian's voice was low as he turned his head to look at the older man in the window seat beside him. His eyes were lidded, as they were both ready for sleep again.

"I know," Brock replied, his tone of voice the same. "And I love you too."

"I know." Brian nodded.

"What do you want to do when we get home?" Brock changed the subject, closing his eyes fully, knowing that there was still so much of this damned flight left to go. Both of them were tired, both of them were broken, and both of them knew that a storm was coming. And whether they were ready was still unknown. Brock just knew that whatever had Brian so torn up, couldn't be good for him either. He wasn't prepared, but would they ever be?

Brian sighed, kissing the tip of his boyfriend's nose. "I just want to be with you, Brock."

The older man nodded, his eyes still closed, "Okay."

"Okay."

When their plane landed in Utah, they did just that. After grabbing a bite to eat at some place quick, the two nested back at Brock's house, very jetlagged from the long flight. Tiredness lingered in their bones, even though it was the middle of the day, and even though they had slept nearly the whole flight. However, none of that mattered, because they spent the rest of the day tangled in Brock's sheets, making the bed a mess, and falling asleep afterwards. Their bodies were weaved together as they slept, the sweat between them acting as a glue. When Brian did finally wake, the clock on the older man's bedside table read nearly four in the morning. That's when reality came crashing down on him. No longer would he be able to do this with Brock; no longer would he be able to kiss and hold him.

And suddenly, his chest was tight and he couldn't breathe properly. His eyes filled with tears and he didn't want to wake Brock up, so he left the bed, put on his clothes and headed downstairs. His boyfriend didn't need to see him break down, he didn't need to see him coming undone at the seems. For the second time that day, Brian sobbed. His heavy tears landed on Brock's kitchen table as he sat there with his head buried in his hands. What was he going to do? He was going to break his boyfriend's heart whether he waited to tell him or not... So why was he so scared to hold off on doing it? Maybe he and Brock should have just ran away like they talked about a few nights ago.

"Brian?" Brock's voice was loud in the dark kitchen as he stood in the doorway, watching the Irishman cry. He had never seen this part of Brian, and it worried him. It was also a scary feeling, one that made your stomach jump from out of nowhere. This meant that something big had happened, something unexplainably horrible.

"Go back to bed Brock... I'm fine." He had managed to stop crying for a second or two to get out that shaky response.

The older man shook his head, moving to sit down beside his boyfriend. "Brian, you're sitting in my kitchen, crying... You're _not_ fine." He reached to grab his trembling hands, hoping that he would open up, share the burden that would tear them both limb from limb and shatter their hearts all while deflating their lungs. He wanted to know. "Talk to me, please..."

Another round of tears blurred Brian's vision, and he held in a hiccup, unable to make eye contact with the man he loved. He shook his head, " _You're going to hate me_." And that statement was true. Brian wasn't sure how Brock would ever forgive him for what he was about to say. But he had to do it, it wasn't a choice, and he'd rather not procrastinate all week so it could drive him insane inside. He sniffed, staring down at the ground, waiting for the older man's reply but got none. When Brock didn't say anything back, Brian ripped the bandage off. "Brock... We have to break up."


	41. maybe i let go too soon

Brock's ears were ringing and he couldn't quite concentrate on anything as Brian broke down into another round of deep sobs. Was this really happening right now? Or had he been dreaming? It was only four in the morning, he could still be asleep, couldn't he? No... This was real, this was his life. He had to face it, whether he wanted to or not. His face was hot, and he was oh so desperately trying to cling to the reality of just what exactly, the younger man beside him had said. "What?" The lone word left his lips and lingered in the dark night air of the kitchen. It felt as though this moment was in slow motion; it couldn't be real, could it? Could it?

Brian sat up, eyes still redder than Brock had ever seen them. This was it, the moment he'd been fearing all fucking day. Hell, the moment he'd been fearing since he and Brock began this god forsaken relationship. He grabbed Brock's hands, gripping them tightly even though his own were wet and clammy from the tears he was shedding, as well as the nerves lingering in his being. "Please," He got out, barely even able to look at the older man sitting beside him. "Please Brocky, if you love me, please don't make me say it again." His voice was strained, hoarse from crying.

Brock found his eyes watering as well as he squeezed the Irishman's hands in return. "I don't understand..." He trailed off. "I thought we were okay? What's going on?" He was confused, he wasn't sure what was happening, but if there was one thing he did know? It was that Brian's parents were behind this whole thing. It was their fault. Brock knew that the younger man sitting beside him had no intention of breaking things off. They were in love... They wanted to live together. This whole end of the relationship thing had sprung up out of nowhere, and had been a result of the visit to Dublin. "Bri, talk to me, please." Brock tried to keep his breaths even, trying to hold himself together for Brian; because the Irishman was breaking, and the scene was too much for Brock to bear.

After a few moments of silence, Brian was finally able to regain his composure and sit up to look his soon to be ex boyfriend in the eyes. They were both tired, they were both bloodshot and red; both empty. Blue met brown, and a sigh escaped the younger man's lips. "I'm getting married." His voice was so shaky, quiet, and he knew he didn't sound like himself. "And as you can probably guess... It's not-" He had to stop himself to take a deep breath. "It's not to you." The air was thick, and it was so quiet, the only thing that could be heard was the hesitant breathing coming from both men.

"What?" The older man's voice cracked. "To _her_?" He was referring to Brian's ex, the one that caused them so much trouble in the first place... Well, it wasn't really her, it was his parents that were ultimately at fault.

Brian nodded, "Yeah..." He couldn't look his boyfriend in the eyes anymore, so he let his head dip low again. "That's what my parents wanted to talk to me about... It's them. Fuck, Brock... It's always them. They don't want me to be with you," He let out a weird chuckle, one that didn't fit right with the intensity of the moment. "They don't want their son to be gay." His heart was able to vault out of his chest at any given moment. He hated this, he hated this so goddamn much. "And, and that's why we have to break up." Silence lingered afterward, after he finished, and Brock just tried to wrap his mind around what the Irishman had just said. He couldn't. It was stupid, it was so unfair, and he was simply at a lack of words. "Go ahead," Brian interrupted his headspace, finally looking up at him again. "Tell me what you're feeling, it's all my fault again... I can't even give you a normal fucking relationship... All I do is break promises. You deserve better anyway." He was rambling and somehow, it triggered something in Brock.

"Deserve better?" He inquired. "Brian, I deserve you, I w _ant_ you." His eyes began to water again. "I want to be happy with you, the man I love."

Brian stood up, unable to sit any longer. His mind was racing, his heart was pounding as he began to pace the floor. "Well obviously we are never gonna get that... Can't you see Brock?" He ran a hand through his messy hair, frustrated. "Every time we find happiness, something takes it away! But you... You, Brocky, you can go be happy. Go be happy with someone else." He couldn't believe he was actually saying this right now, but what other choice did he have? His parents made it clear that he had to leave Brock, his parents made it clear that he was getting married to his ex girlfriend, and now? Now everything was getting too out of control, too much to have to deal with. He and Brock were fighting, and this was something that he never wanted to have to do.

The older man shook his head again. " _I'm happy with you_." He took a deep breath before the tears leaked through his eyes and down his cheeks. "You don't have to do this, Brian. You don't have to let your parents control you; you shouldn't have to choose. I'm without my parents and I'm _fine_." He stood too, placing a hand on the younger man's back. "You don't have to marry _her_. Brian, just think it over." Brock's voice was practically begging now.

"My parents are not your parents..." He trailed off, "And you know how they are Brock, I can't go against them. I just can't." It was something he'd never done before, and something he didn't want to get into the habit of doing. His relationship with his mother and father had always been complex, and he didn't expect Brock to understand that, hell, he didn't expect anyone to. It was and would always be, a complete and utter shit show. He should have known that this is what it was going to come down to; once and for all, he should have known that he was never going to get what he wanted. He was never going to get to be happy.

"I thought you loved me?" Brock's voice cut him from his thoughts, and it was a low blow that made his heart ache in his chest, and it hurt him to breathe at that moment. They were dangerously close to each other in that dark kitchen, so he reached out to grab him; his hurting, vulnerable Brock. Deep in his heart of hearts, he knew that there was no other easy way to have gone about this situation.

"Fuck Brock..." Brian shook his head, closing his eyes and tightening his grip around the older man. "I do... I love you so much." He hesitated before his next bout of words left his lips. "Maybe we can still try to see each other?" He hadn't thought it through, but it was a horrible idea, and as soon as he said it, he wished he could have taken it back.

Brock pulled away from his boyfriend, a scoff leaving his lips as he walked away. "Yeah, because that worked so well at the beginning, didn't it?" Their words were becoming bitter, harsh, aggressive, but neither of them blamed the other. Brock sighed, "I'm sorry Brian, but I just don't want to do all that again... I don't want to play games. I want all of you or none of you, and by the looks of how things are going, it's going to be none of you." He reached to wipe his tears away.

"I wish it didn't have to be this way..."

"Me too." It was quiet again in the kitchen, quiet between the two men, and quiet in the world at that moment in time. After everything they had been through in the span of their short relationship, it was all finally, inevitably coming to an end. And it was not a good ending, in fact, it was anything but. Albeit they hadn't been together for that long, both men knew that their love was not measured by the amount of time they spent with one another. Brock turned around, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably as he faced Brian again. He had no more tears left, and neither did the younger man. "You should probably go then." It ripped his chest open to be saying those words in this context when he thought he'd never have to say them. And it was so awkward when it shouldn't have been in even the slightest way.

Brian nodded, his eyes downcast still. "Can I have a goodbye kiss?" But Brock didn't answer him; instead, he crossed the floor and closed the space between them as he wrapped his arms around the Irishman and pulled him close. Their lips met, gently, softly, and it was bittersweet. They cried for the umpteenth time during that conversation, and after this kiss was over, they lingered... Forehead against forehead and breath fanning over their faces. "I love you." Brian whispered. " _I love you_." He kissed him once more, and goddamn he didn't want to go.

"I know." Brock nodded, finally letting the man he loved go.

He watched as he headed to the door, grabbing the suitcase he never unpacked when they arrived back home from Ireland. The pooling in his belly didn't stop, the anxiety didn't stop. This was it... This was the end. And Brian's hand lingered on the doorknob as he turned around to say one more thing to his now ex boyfriend. "Will you be my best man at the wedding?" In that moment, Brock broke for the final time that night. A sob emerged from him, it was a sound that resonated deep within his chest, and nothing could compare to the imminent sadness he was feeling right now. After everything they had been through, how could Brian possibly ask that question?

He merely shook his head, "I can't."

Brian nodded, the awkwardness surfacing in the air. "Right... I'm sorry."

"I know." Brock whispered for the last time before watching Brian walk out the front door at five in the morning.


	42. and then i still see your ghost

Two weeks later, and that night still replayed over and over again in Brock's head; a vivid image that would never go away. And without Brian? An emptiness lingered deep down inside him, bubbling in his chest, building and building until on lonely nights, he sobbed himself to sleep, wishing that it were Brian's arms there to hold and comfort him. He wished that it were Brian's presence there in his home with him. It was different, and he was sure he'd never get used to having to live and go on without him. After this, there was no way they could continue the friendship like nothing had ever happened, they were in too deep, _they were in love_... So Brock suffered in silence while Brian immersed himself in wedding plans so he could try and forget.

He tried to forget the sound of his laugh, tried to forget the way his eyes lit up when he smiled, tried to forget the softness of his lips and the way his body trembled beneath him when they made love. But it was all to no avail. It was his poison, it was his vice... And what was an addict without their vice? Nothing, absolutely nothing; that's why he was having a terribly hard time with this. Brock was always there, in his thoughts, in his bones, and the Irishman knew that he wouldn't be saying goodbye to these imminent thoughts and feelings for a very long time. He imagined himself doing all this wedding stuff with Brock, not with _her_... But his parents were happy, and that's what hurt him the most. They were happy, and he wasn't. In fact, on most days, he didn't even want to get out of bed. He felt miserable.

But Brock was the same way. The older man rarely did anything anymore but sleep. His youtube channel became vacant, as did Brian's. The break up was hitting them both hard, neither of them able to go back to the way their lives were before. Mostly because they had become used to the feel of each other in the other's life, and now, having to go without? It was complete and utter emptiness. Brian often found himself thinking horrible thoughts about the two of them... Of how they should have never met, how they should have never kissed, and how they should have never fell in love with one another. Maybe then it would have been better. In a perfect world, they would have been able to stay friends... No.

In a perfect world it would have been he and Brock getting married right now, and not himself and his ex girlfriend whom he didn't even have any feelings for.

Time merely continued to pass. As two weeks turned into three, Vanoss and the guys even started to take notice. This wasn't something that their friends would normally do. Brock and Brian started giving excuses about how they couldn't play and make videos. Every time Evan called or text, he got no answer, or some lame made up story about how they were so tired, or had something else going on. He wasn't and idiot, and he was starting to catch on. "What the fuck happened?" Marcel questioned one night while he and a few of the others were playing some gmod. "It's like they just fell off the face of the earth... Has anybody heard anything?" He questioned. Obviously, they were all worried for their friends, seeming as how just a month ago things were perfect for them.

"I haven't talked to them since they went on their trip to Dublin," Mini answered.

"I told Brock we were there for him... What if Brian did something else to him?" Evan asked.

"Hey," Nogla interrupted. "Brian's a good guy. You can't just go jumping to conclusions like that." He defended the other Irishman knowing that his business was not their business to discuss in a skype call like this. He and Brian had talked about that before on previous visits. "Maybe they're just having some alone time?" He suggested.

"Neither of them have uploaded in like a month." Tyler commented.

"That's true." It was quiet for a few moments as each of them concentrated on the game they were playing. The only sounds were the button mashing of their keyboards. This wasn't footage for a video or anything. Each of the friends were just catching up with one another, trying to figure out the mysterious disappearance of their other two friends. Nothing like this had ever happened before, and it was slightly strange to say the least. In fact, they'd never had to deal with a situation like this; everyone had always been pretty consistent with their communication. To say this was odd was an understatement.

Suddenly, Evan heard a beeping in his headset. "Oh hang on guys, Lui wants to join the call." He exited his game of gmod if only for a moment to accept the man into the chat. It was rare for Lui to be with them nowadays, so whatever he had to say must have been important.

"Holy shit guys!" Lui's voice was fast, excited, and he sounded like he was out of breath.

"What?" Mini questioned.

"Yeah, what the fuck is happening?" Nogla continued to pester.

He took a few breaths, trying to catch them. "So I just got home, right? And you'll never guess what the fuck was in my mailbox..." He waited for the rest of the guys to guess, but when he received silence for a reply, he rolled his eyes and merely kept talking. "A fucking _wedding invitation_!" He was nearly yelling now, still waiting for a response. But the guys? Well, they were still silent, unsure of what to say. It was a shock to all of them. "You guys probably will get one too!" He finished, catching his breath still. But everyone else, didn't know what to think of the situation.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Nogla finally spoke up. "See guys? They're just busy with wedding stuff."

"I didn't even know Brian or Brock proposed." Mini replied.

"No, no, no, no!" Lui yelled, interrupted. "It's not Brian and Brock, it's Brian and his _ex_."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" This time it was Vanoss who caused a commotion. "They broke up!?"

"I guess so," Lui answered.

Brian stared down at the small, intricate piece of paper in his hand, and he felt like he was going to be sick at any given moment. It had his name on it, and her name as well, and hundreds of copies had already been sent out to family, to friends... And most importantly, to Brock. He hadn't wanted to, but a small part of him really hoped that in the end, he would show up to the wedding. However, another part of him knew that the older man didn't want anything else left to do with him. He was a piece of shit, and honestly, at this moment, staring at that fucking ugly invitation in his hand, he really felt that way. Brian didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't want to get married, he didn't want to be with her, at this moment in time? He decided that he would much rather sleep for eternity. With a sigh and a roll of his eyes, he crinkled up the piece of paper and threw it in the trash.

Meanwhile, Vanoss was on the phone trying to book an immediate flight to Utah. He knew Brock wouldn't answer the phone or text him back, so showing up in person was the only trick he hadn't tried yet. The guys had tried to convince him not to go, and that it wasn't any of his business, but Evan knew better. He had to make sure that Brock was okay. After all, that was what friends were for, right? So in a matter of hours, he had bought a plane ticket and was packed with an overnight back and ready to go. The flight was short, only two hours long, and before he knew it, he found himself in a cab and on the way to the older man's house. He hoped he was home, he hoped he would even answer the door. He knew now why Brock was isolating himself from everyone again, it's because he was hurt.

Soon, he was at Brock's front door, hesitant to knock and bother his friend. But he knew he had to anyway, so with a deep breath, he knocked gently, hoping that Brock had heard him. Then, he played the waiting game. He stood outside on the front steps of Brock's house for a good five minutes until he finally tried knocking again. But it was to no avail. Curiosity got the best of him, so he fumbled with the door handle, only to be surprised that his friend's door was unlocked. That was a rarity for Brock. "Hello?" Evan called out, pushing the door open the rest of the way, making his way inside. "Brock?" The older man was nowhere to be found as Vanoss let his eyes roam. The sight of Brock's house made his chest hurt for his friend; it was a mess. It was clear he hadn't been too keen on cleaning since the split. And there, on the messy coffee table in the living room? The wedding invitation.

"So you heard the good news." Brock's voice scared Evan, and the asian man turned around to see him standing there at the bottom of the steps in dirty clothes and bloodshot eyes to match. "He's getting married..."


	43. i don't keep love around

The silence between the two of them that ensued afterward was nearly deafening. Vanoss didn't know what to say, Moo didn't know what to say. They merely stood, staring at the ground, avoiding eye contact. It was embarrassing to Brock, if he were being honest with himself. He thought that Brian was _the one_ , and now he was all upset and depressed, and his friend had to come and babysit him; check up on him to make sure he wasn't doing anything stupid. "You weren't going to say anything to us?" Evan's voice echoed throughout the quiet house. He moved towards the older man, hoping he would at least look at him. He didn't. "Brock, I've told you tons of times that me and the rest of the guys are always here for you... You can talk to us," The asian trailed off, unsure of what else to say.

Brock shook his head, before walking over to the couch. He grabbed the invitation on the table and sat down with it in his hands. He played with the colored piece of paper, it was smooth under his skin... And he just couldn't believe that this tiny, fucking insignificant piece of paper made everything such a dark reality. Truth be told, he didn't want to talk to anyone. He didn't want to talk to Vanoss, he didn't want to talk to Nogla or Mini. He just wanted to be alone, at least until after the wedding was over. It still hurt; it was a fresh wound, and Brock didn't feel like pouring salt in it. His heart was cut, beat, and battered, and he didn't expect Evan or anybody else except Brian to understand.

"I don't want to talk." His throat was thick, dry, because it seemed as though he hadn't talked in years. "There's nothing to talk about."

Evan came to sit by him, hesitant because of the state his friend was in. "Brock, how can you sit there and say that?" He questioned.

A sigh escaped his lips. The older man was definitely unsure of what to say or do in a situation like this. What _could_ he say? It was so odd, so contorted. But somehow, the wedding invitation said it all. It practically yelled at them, rubbing the wedding in his face as he sat there and fumbled with it in his big hands. "It hurts, Evan." The sentence was short, but held so much emotion beneath it. "And you and the other guys don't deserve to hear me whine and complain about all of it. I should have seen it coming... Fool me once, shame on you... Fool me twice, shame on fucking me I guess." He buried his head in his chest, holding back tears. He didn't want Vanoss to see him like this.

"I'm sure it's not your fault."

"It doesn't matter. Nothing matters because he's getting married now and it's not to me."

"Brock..." Vanoss' voice became softer, and in that moment, his heart really ached for the older man. He had been through so much in so little time, all because of Brian. He couldn't help but to have a feeling that their break up had to do with their visit to Dublin. But just what had happened in that short amount of time for them to separate and have Brock all torn up like this? It was a complete and utter mystery, and Evan wasn't sure if he wanted to figure out what was going on or not. Really, it was none of his business, but he hated seeing Moo like this, especially for the second time.

"It hurts," Brock repeated. "It hurts and I don't want to talk about it. I'll be okay, don't blame Brian... I guess it just wasn't meant to be." He inhaled, taking a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He wasn't making eye contact with the asian, and he didn't plan on it. He still had brewing tears in his eyes, and he damn sure didn't want Vanoss to see that. "Could you please just go?" His tone of voice was practically begging now, but he couldn't help it. He was on the verge of a break down, and he didn't want Evan sticking around for it. He cried almost everyday, but this? This was going to be far worse than crying. He could feel it bubbling, swelling deep down in his chest, and it was going to creep up his throat any minute now.

Evan didn't say anything else. He stood quietly with a nod, and made his way out of Brock's home. He'd never seen the older man this damaged before, and that's when he knew that Brian had fucked him up bad. He tried to wrap his head around the situation on the cab ride to the hotel he'd be staying at before flying back to LA the next day. But he simply couldn't. What had happened? Why did they break up? Would it always be a mystery to him? He hoped not. But all in all, he knew it was none of his business directly. All Evan could do was cross his fingers and hope for the best. It would all work out in the end, wouldn't it? At least that's what he wanted to keep telling himself. Mindlessly, he sent a group text to the rest of the guys. _Brock's in bad shape guys._

And as soon as Vanoss shut the door, Brock couldn't hold it in anymore. A hiccup like sob emerged from his lungs and he felt like he couldn't breathe. It would never get easier. No matter how much he tried to convince himself he would be okay, he knew he wouldn't be. Every time he heard Brian's name, or saw something that reminded him of the Irishman, it would burn a hole through his chest. The fire would sizzle and crack and inhale everything that was Brock, until he had nothing left but dark ash inside him. No love, nothing. And maybe, maybe if he were lucky, after his heart burned, the pain would go away as well. So he cried, he cried until the tears were dry and sticky on his cheeks. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore.

When Vanoss finally arrived to his hotel, the first thing he did when he got to his room was shut the door and dial Brian's number. He had to hear the other man's side of the story. He needed to know that Brock was going to be okay. However, as he listened to the long dial tone, he debated on what he was going to say to Brian when he did finally answer. Would he be angry? Upset? Would he yell at him and blame him? The asian man wracked his head for answers but only found none. He let the sound of the dial tone numb him, until finally, he heard a tired "Hello?" Brian's voice was tired, hoarse, and the Irishman definitely did not sound good either. Had the break up been mutual? Evan could only wonder.

"I got your invitation," Vanoss got out, biting his tongue.

"So I'll see you at the wedding then?" He was void of emotion, shakiness in his tone.

Evan ignored his question, "I was a little surprised that Brock's name wasn't on there."

A pause, a sigh, and a moment of silence. "...Evan, please, don't do that." His heartbeat faltered a bit at the sound of Brock's name. His Brocky... Well, not so much his anymore. He should have known that the guys would be concerned, worried... But he didn't expect this call from Vanoss in even the slightest. He didn't want to talk about it much either, but he knew he had to give the asian man something so that he and the others wouldn't be worried. "I don't expect you to understand, but I had to do what was best. If you need to blame me, then go ahead, but just know that I still love him and I always will. I'm sorry. I know I promised you I wouldn't hurt him again, but obviously I'm not so good at keeping promises." The exhaustion shined through in his voice the longer he spoke, and Evan knew that this wasn't right.

"Brian, I-"

"Look Evan, I gotta go. I don't want to talk about this. What's done is done. And you don't have to come to the wedding if you don't want." He waited a few moments for the other man to respond, but he didn't. Probably because of lack of things to say. So when he didn't answer, Brian bid him a farewell and hung up the phone. This whole situation was entirely fucked. He didn't want anyone else involved, but he should have known that they would be; especially because of the fact that Evan and Brock were so close. In that moment, he wondered just how the older man was holding up, but then wiped his mind of the thought. Brock was worse than himself, and Brian knew that. That's why he didn't want to think of it.

All he wanted to do was see him, hold him, kiss him. Hell, just hearing his voice would soothe his craving for the older man. But the Irishman knew that it wouldn't happen. It would never happen again. His blue eyes welled with fresh tears, and he was thankful that he was home alone at the time. He didn't like to cry in front of other people, but the wedding was in two weeks, and _she_ was moving into his apartment, so he figured maybe he should get used to it.


	44. anything hurts less than the quiet

Despite his awful and desperate attempts to convince everyone he was okay, the guys still called and even visited to check up on Brock. Each day that passed was a day that the wedding grew closer, and Brock was becoming more numb to the situation than he had anticipated. Sure, it still stung; it still made his heart wrench in disappointment... But in all actuality, there was nothing he could do about it. So, he put on a brave face and tried not to sulk when his friends came to Utah to see him. "Aren't you like, angry about it? Even just a little?" Wildcat had asked him when he flew in from Indiana. He was curious, because he had never experienced heartbreak this bad. "I mean, I know I would be pissed." He continued to say.

Moo didn't quite have an answer for him, simply because, he didn't know himself if he was mad or not. All he did know, was that even after all of this mess, he loved Brian, he loved him still, and he knew he always would. Maybe that's why he was so upset instead of angry. It was too complex; it was something even he didn't understand about himself. Hell, Brock just wanted all the pain to go away. "No. I'm not mad." He answered Tyler, a certain monotone about his voice. "I loved him... And I still do." When they had this conversation, they were attempting to play video games, but Brock was failing miserably. All he could think of was Brian.

"Shit dude..." Tyler trailed off. "I'm sorry. It'll get easier." He tried to comfort the older man, but Brock knew better. It wouldn't get easier, not even in the slightest. Days passed, then they turned to weeks, and the wedding was right around the corner. The invitation still lay on the messy coffee table, but Brock swore he wouldn't look at it or touch it anymore. He hated it, he hated the fact that it wasn't him on it.

Lui was the last to visit Brock out of all the guys. He came just two days before the wedding. He and Brock went out for food and to do some shopping. After all, Brock hadn't gotten out of the house much these past few months. "So..." Lui trailed off as they walked down one of the busy sidewalks in the city. "I know this is probably a really dumb question... But... Are you going to the wedding?" He cocked an eyebrow as he looked over at the other man walking beside him. After all, Brian did invite him, but wouldn't it be a little strange? "I mean... Terroriser did send you an invite. And me and the other guys are going." He shrugged before shoving his hands into his pockets.

Brock knew the answer immediately; he couldn't go to that wedding. He was still frail, weak, the wound still fresh. "I'm not going." He answered almost instantly. "It's still too much." He was honest with Lui even though they never really talked that much. In a way, he was grateful for all his friends coming to check up on him. It kept his mind busy; kept him from wondering and thinking about Brian... Which was something he did quite a bit. "I hope you guys have a good time though." He added, almost as an afterthought.

"Do you want us to visit you after?" Lui inquired.

Brock shook his head, "No, I'll be okay. I'm fine."

Lui shrugged, deciding to leave it alone, "Okay."

Brian hadn't talked to his parents since he and Brock broke up, and now they were constantly on his back just less than two days before the wedding. Of course, they wanted to make sure it was perfect, of course they wanted to make sure he was going to go through with marrying the girl. It was their dream, it was what they wanted for _their_ son. "You have everything ready, right?" His mother pestered him over the phone. "Your father and I are so excited to see you tomorrow." The wedding was in Ireland, obviously Dublin, and his parents had planned nearly everything from the ceremony to the honeymoon. Brian felt like he was going to be sick. "Brian honey, are you there?" His mother's voice was obnoxious over the phone.

With a sigh, he answered her, "Yes ma, I'm here." Their relationship had mostly stayed the same since this whole mishap... He always was and always would be a mother's boy. But his father? Well that was a different story. The man had no contact with Brian since the little talk in Dublin, and the Irishman didn't think he'd pick up the phone and call anytime soon. They'd see each other at the wedding, but Brian knew that their bond with each other was not going to be the same. Brian knew that his dad saw him differently now; he hated it to say the least... But, he knew it was something he would have to deal with. "Look," Brian's voice was tired. "I have to go finish packing... I'll see you tomorrow for the wedding." The word felt toxic in the air once it left his lips, and that feeling of nausea arose in his stomach again.

He didn't wait for his mom to reply, he hung up the phone, slid it into his back pocket and headed up the stairs to the bedroom. His apartment was a mess, and he knew if Brock were here right now, he would be angry. The older man always did hate messy rooms and disorganized things. He helped Brian with that bad habit of his. But it was messy because _she_ was moving her things in. There were boxes everywhere and clothes strewn about. She wasn't at the apartment at the moment though, and Brian was thankful for that. So he grabbed one of his many suitcases, and began shoving clothes in it. He didn't care anymore, he just wanted this wedding to be over with. He was completely and utterly done.

However, when he was packing, something in the back of the closet caught his eye. It was the Terminator action figure that Brock had given him when he first moved into this apartment. They had pizza and he gave the older man Irish candy before they fell asleep on the tiny air mattress together. It was what started the week they fell in love with each other, and it hurt Brian's eyes to even look at it. His heart faltered as he ran his hands over the smoothness of the toy before tears welled in his crystal blue eyes. He'd never cried this much before in his life, but he found himself doing it just about every other day since Brock had been gone.

Sitting down in the closet, Brian held the figurine to his chest and let out a sob. It was too much. He wanted Brock. He wanted Brock more than he wanted anything in this whole world, and he wanted to be happy. In that moment, as he cried, he replayed all the memories he had with the older man. He remembered their first kiss underneath those fireworks at the docks... He remembered Brock's sloppy confession... He remembered the first time they made love and how nerve wracking it was... And he remembered the trip to Dublin; the very thing that tore them apart. They had so many memories... And even though they had bad ones, they had so many good ones too; they good outweighed the bad, and that was what was important to Brian.

In that moment? Brian contemplated calling or texting Brock, but he knew that he would never pick up or reply. It would do more harm than good; and he hoped that Brock was at least okay for the time being. A deep breath left his body as he threw the Terminator figurine in the suitcase, deciding to take it with him. This situation was absolutely insane. He was letting his parents control his life, and there was nothing he could do about it. The Irishman tried not to think of anything as he packed, but it was hard when he came across things like Brock's shirts and underwear. He'd left so many things in Brian's apartment, hell... If they were still together, it could have been _their_ apartment. They would have lived together, they would have shared a home.

Brian shook his head, all these things were making packing way harder than it needed to be. But finally, after about an hour or so, he was ready to head to his flight which was leaving soon. In just forty eight hours, he would be a married man... In just forty eight hours, his happiness would be gone forever. In just forty eight hours, he'd give his parents total control of his life. What would be next? Quitting youtube? Having kids? As he boarded the plane, Brian couldn't help but to surround himself with these negative thoughts because he knew that they would soon probably become his reality. That is not the direction in which he wanted to see his life go. Unless, he was doing it with Brock by his side.

His parents were doing everything. Of course, _she_ did have feelings for Brian, but she knew everything. She knew that Brian wasn't happy and that his parents were forcing him to get married. And she knew that she didn't have much of a choice either. In a way, they were both stuck... In just forty eight hours, it would all be over. He wanted Brock, oh god he wanted Brock. His chest ached, and he knew this wasn't right. Would his parents come around eventually? Did he even care if they did or not? Reality was crashing down on the Irishman, and all he wanted out of this was to be happy. He wouldn't find happiness letting his parents control him. He wouldn't find happiness marrying the girl.

In that moment, Brian knew he couldn't get married, at least not to her. He had to stand up to his parents, and then pray that Brock would take him back.


	45. and i wanna come home to you

The next few days were busier than ever, what with everyone flying to Dublin and what not. Brian was the first to arrive, because after all, it was his wedding. He arrived just ten hours later after he left, and he couldn't help the sour taste in his mouth as his parent's house came into view. The feeling of nausea arose in his gut, and he wanted so desperately for Brock to be here with him, holding his hand, calming him. But as much as he wanted it, he knew he would never get it; it would never come to be. Brian shook his head as he grabbed his bags from the cab and headed up the sidewalk. If he played his cards right these next few days, he would never see this damned house ever again.

Because of the wedding, Brian was staying with his parents, and _she_ was staying with hers. They hadn't flown together because of some stupid wedding tradition, hell, Brian wasn't sure what it was. It didn't matter though, none of it ever mattered. Especially at this moment in time because the Irishman had decided back at home, in the closet, that he was not going through with this wedding. So, without anymore second thought, he changed his demeanor as he walked into that house, deciding that his parents were not going to see him upset, his parents were not going to see him distraught. His parents were going to see him confident, angry, and then on the day of the wedding, not at all.

When he did knock on the door, his mother answered it immediately. "Oh Brian! I'm so glad your flight made it here safely." She embraced her son with open arms. It was getting late in the evening, so it was almost time for dinner, as well as bed. "Supper will be done shortly, why don't you go settle into your room?" It was funny how she was acting completely normal; like all of this was okay. But Brian only nodded as he observed the house. It was the same as the last time he was here, and where was his father? Nevertheless, he took his bags and headed upstairs, shutting the door behind him. The wedding was in one more day, he'd only have to endure this hell for one more day.

Brian didn't bother unpacking. He left everything in his bags and decided to rest before dinner was finished. Laying on the bed, he couldn't help but to think of Brock. Mostly because the last time he was in this room, the older man was with him. They'd made love on this bed, and the sheets still smelled like him... Brian's heart nearly faltered in his chest. _One more day_... That was his mantra to get through this period of unrest, this period of darkness that had him so down and depressed. And no, he didn't have a plan, in fact, he wasn't sure what he was going to do to get out of this wedding... This mess. All he knew was that he _was_ in fact, getting the hell out of it.

When dinner was all done and ready, his mother called him downstairs, and there was still no sight of his father. It wasn't unusual, but still, the man was mostly always home before supper. He sat down at the table and waited for his mom to bring the food before he asked, "Where's dad at?" There was confusion clear in his voice. But of course, he sort of already had an idea of where the older man was. It didn't surprise him, in fact, it brought him relief to know that his father wouldn't be staying here the same time as himself.

His mother sat down at the table as well before she spoke, "He's decided to stay somewhere else until the wedding." She admitted with hurt in her eyes.

In that moment, Brian scoffed, learning that he had predicted the outcome, "Oh, I see."

"Brian, it's not your fault."

"Isn't it?" He shot right back, trying his best not to get angry. It was his fault, and he had to remind himself that it wasn't his mother's fault, but in a way, it was. She could have stopped this, she could have persuaded his father that this was not the right thing to do. But instead, she didn't. She was a bystander in the big scheme of things who didn't take responsibility when it was her turn. "Is he really that pissed at me? About..." He couldn't bring himself to say it. So, he took a breath, swallowed, and tried again. "About loving Brock?" His name burned his tongue when he spoke, it triggered something inside him.

"Of course not," His mom shook her head. "You just... We all know how your father can be sometimes." And there she was, making excuses for his hateful behavior and Brian couldn't stand it. But she was right, his dad had always been that way; a bigot. A person who couldn't accept something that was outside the norm, or something they couldn't understand. Brian merely shook his head and the silence consumed them while they ate their dinner. There was no use in trying to convince his mother anymore when clearly, she was being shadowed by his dad. They were a team, and essentially, whatever his father said, that was what was followed. It was the way it had always been. Brian hated it. Maybe he wouldn't be so affected if his parents weren't in his life anymore...

Amidst the quiet, he decided to speak. "I'm not getting married. I hope you know that."

"Brian-" His mother was shocked, but he cut her off.

With a deep breath, he spoke. "If you know your son well enough, you know that I'm not going to just give in." He was busy looking down at his plate because he didn't want to see his mom's reaction. He didn't want to see her face because he needed to get this out. "And if I can do things right this time, then I pray to god that Brock will take me back _again_ after you and dad have fucked things up for me." Brian was monotone, and then, he finally looked up. "Don't you want to see your son happy?" His mother had tears in her eyes when he got done ranting.

She shook her head, "You do what you need to do Brian... But just know, your father is unforgiving. And if you can live with that... Then, just, do it."

"I can." He nodded, and finally, he had a plan.

"Okay." His mother replied with a sad nod, and they continued to eat their dinner. Suddenly, Brian felt like a weight had been relieved from his shoulders. He felt like he could breathe again. Hell, he felt like he could live again. This was it, he knew what he was going to do. He was finally going to get his happy ending.

When the day of the wedding arrived, Brock overslept, and then when he did finally wake up, he didn't get out of bed. It was like there was this power, this force, holding him there, keeping him prisoner. The guys had sent him texts, telling him that they hoped he was okay, and that if he needed anything to give them a call. Of course, they were all going to the wedding; despite everything, Brian was their friend, and they were still going to be there, in that church, supporting him... Even if Brock was still suffering a broken heart. But he laid in bed, counting down the hours, the minutes, until this dreadful day would be over.

When the day of the wedding arrived, Brian's father finally came back home. The younger man dressed in his suit to put on the façade that he was going to the wedding, even though he wasn't. His mother cried all morning because she knew; she knew what was about to happen, and she knew the day's events were not going to be so kind. And once everyone was dressed and ready, Brian's father had decided to head to the church one final time to make sure everything was in place. This was it. Once he left, Brian sought out his mother to give her the note he had written last night. "When I don't show up, when everyone's wondering what's going on, I want you to read this, okay? Can you do that for me?" He inquired, giving her the folded up piece of paper.

After all, he wanted his guests, his family to have closure, so, he left that responsibility to his mother. "I can." She agreed, before pulling Brian into her arms. "Now go... Be happy." Brian didn't say anything, he only took his bags, got in the cab, and was on his way to the airport with a ticket to Utah. Meanwhile, his mother headed to the church with a smile on her face. She hoped and prayed everything would work out for her son, and she knew everything was going to be okay, despite his angry father. He would get over it eventually. All that was left was to read the note, the note that would end it all, for good.

 _I can't do it.  
I need to be with Brock.  
I hope you can all understand that._

 _-Brian_


	46. we were a fire with no smoke

The flight back to the states, back to Utah was long. Too long if Brian really wanted to admit it to himself. He wasn't able to sit still, and often found himself bouncing his leg, or twiddling with his thumbs in his lap. _He had just walked out of his own wedding_. Or stood it up, rather. His father was going to be pissed, but at this point in time, he didn't care anymore. Brian was completely and truly done with it all. He was ready to be happy; he was ready to be with Brock. And in just a few short hours, he'd see him again after all these months of no contact. His heart skipped a beat at the thought. All there was left to do now, was to sit and wait on the never ending flight.

Two hours turned to three.

Three turned to four.

The flight dragged on and on.

Brock still hadn't been out of bed that day, and hell, it was nearly over. Clouds were rolling in, and soon it began to grow dark. It would be time for bed again in a few moments, and for once, Brock was glad. He could just go back to sleep, ignore the fact that Brian was probably a happily married man now. His chest clenched at that thought, and he decided not to let it cross his mind anymore. He wasn't going to sulk; it was done and over with... And now? It was time to forget. So he pulled the covers overtop his head and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to go back to sleep. He wasn't particularly tired, he just didn't want to be conscious enough to where his thoughts would haunt him.

When the plane landed, Brian was refreshed and ready due to a small nap he had taken. Still in his tuxedo, he grabbed his bags and headed out to hurriedly catch a cab. It was late now in Utah, but that didn't matter. He knew Brock would probably be asleep, but this task was of dire importance. He _had_ to see him; he had to try and beg for forgiveness so that the older man would take him back. Ultimately, he had his fingers crossed, because deep down, he knew that he and Brock might not ever get back together. As he climbed into the back of the cab, the Irishman prayed that that wasn't the case. He gave Brock's address, and that's when the inner turmoil and anxiety began.

Brock felt like he hadn't slept for long, when a knock on his front door caused him to jolt out of bed. His heartbeat sped up, because it was late, and he had no idea who would be at his house in these hours. For extra protection, he grabbed his phone and had 911 ready to dial just in case. Slowly, Brock made his way down the stairs, when the person on the other side of the door knocked again. It was nearly one in the morning, and nobody he knew of was coming to visit him. So ultimately, he was confused. Brian on the other hand, just waited and waited. He didn't want to say anything because he knew if the older man heard his voice, he wouldn't open the door. Knocking twice was good enough.

When Brock finally made it to the door, he opened it without a second thought, and that was when his heart felt like it was going to come up his throat in chunks. His phone clattered to the ground because he had dropped it, and it felt like everything in that moment was in slow motion. _It was Brian._ And looking at him right there? Well it was like meeting him and seeing him for the first time all over again. Brock felt like he was being crushed by a ton of bricks. Those baby blue eyes, that perfect hair, and worst of all? He was dressed in his tuxedo. It made butterflies swarm around in his gut. Brock was absolutely speechless, so he just stood there, at the door, half asleep, mouth agape and in shock. Hell, maybe he was dreaming.

"Ever heard of a runaway groom?" Brian's Irish lilt broke the silence, eyes shining with unfallen tears. Seeing Brock and not being able to embrace him hurt more than anything in the world. It was so different this time than any other time they had ever met. So foreign, so awkward and unsure... Ultimately, Brian knew it was his fault. This whole mess in this relationship was his fault; and it was about time for him to take responsibility for it. He could have stood up to his parents long ago, but he didn't, and now? Now he was suffering the consequences of not being with Brock. It was probably the worst thing he would ever have to endure.

"Don't do that," The older man's voice cracked when he spoke, trying not to make eye contact with Brian.

The Irishman's face fell; Brock was damaged, broken, and it was all his fault. He couldn't even imagine what the older man had endured these past months while the two were separated. He didn't even want to think about that aspect. Is this what his life had come to? Being weak? Not living a daily regular life? "Do what?" He inquired, standing dumbfounded on his ex boyfriend's front porch, hoping he would let him in. This was just like last time, except the circumstances were oh so certainly different. Brian didn't know if he was coming out of this with Brock by his side or not. The thought made his heart pound, and his stomach twist with fear. "Brocky-" He tried to say, but was immediately cut off.

"Don't use your charm to pretend like everything's okay." His voice was quiet. He was too tired to fight, too weak from all of this bullshit.

Hearing those words made Brian's chest ache. Words might not work this time, hell, what would work this time? "Brock..." He trailed off. "We need to talk, can I come in?" It was worth a shot to ask, and he was nearly pleading now. But the cat had his tongue, and in his head he was trying to figure out just what he was going to say, but he could think of nothing. Only the man standing in front of him with hurt etched on his face and scarred permanently deep in his heart. This situation was going nowhere, and he could tell that Brock had his guard up. He could tell from his stance, from his tone of voice...

"No." The older man answered. "It's almost one in the morning, whatever you need to say to me, you can say it here." Inside, Brock was coming apart at the seems. He was fighting oh so desperately to hold back tears. Looking at Brian like that, begging, pleading, with shiny blue eyes was such a sight to see. His heart was racing, his palms were sweaty... Never in his life did he think he would have to deal with something like this. "I'm tired Brian, I'm so tired." He got out, finally looking up at him, making eye contact. Brown met blue, and both men were sure they could feel a jolt of electricity pulsing through their veins. "So please, make it quick." He finished.

"I didn't get married. I never showed up to the wedding."

Silence. The only thing that could be heard was a cicada or cricket out in Brock's tall grass. And now that the truth was out, Brock was crying. Big, heavy tears ran down his cheeks as the two stood there staring at each other. He wanted to fall into Brian's arms, wanted to sob into his neck and let it soak up the tears... But he wouldn't. He wouldn't and he would never do it again. " _You can't keep doing this to me_!" He shouted, bringing his palms to his face so he could rub his wet eyes. "It's not a game Brian! You don't just bounce back and forth whenever you please... I loved you! Fuck, _I love you_." He hiccupped once he calmed down, and he could see a few tears running down the Irishman's cheeks as well.

"Brock..." He whispered. "I love you too. I want to be with you."

"You had that chance, twice." He replied almost immediately. "And you hurt me twice, you fooled me twice." Brian felt like he couldn't breathe; he felt like something heavy was sitting atop his lungs, deflating him, and he honestly didn't know what else he could say to turn this situation around. This was it, it was over. And when he failed to reply, Brock spoke again. "Don't you see?" He inquired. "Nothing between us is ever going to be the same, so just go." Those were his final words, and their eyes burned into one another before Brock took a breath and shut the door. When Brian couldn't see him anymore, he laid on the floor and cried; the sobs shaking his whole body. But it was time to let go, once and for all.

Brian was taken aback. But he would always oblige to Brock's wishes. So, with a final look to the house, he bid a silent goodbye before beginning his walk down the sidewalk to wait for a cab. He would get another flight back to LA, and life would go on. And he knew Brock was right; nothing was ever going to be the same.


	47. the time is moving slower

The time period after the wedding went slowly, and then sometimes not at all. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months... And the bustling summer turned to fall. Nothing was ever the same. And after all, Brian was sure he could never go back to normal life; at least not without Brock. In all actuality, both of them had been living similar lifestyles; only listening to their bodies and doing everything in their power to block out the ever racing thoughts of their minds. When they were hungry, they ate, when they were tired, they slept, and when they felt like they had to cry, they cried. That was it. That was the method to the madness. A dull routine filled the hours of the day, and it went unchanging.

They missed each other like crazy, but Brock wouldn't admit that to anyone. Hell, he would barely admit it to himself sometimes. He was too stubborn now these days; he was too afraid of getting hurt for the umpteenth time. So he built up his brick wall that Brian had used everything in his power to wear and tear down. He wasn't letting anyone in anymore. It had been too much, too many feelings, too many tears. He didn't want to go through all that again. Brian was the opposite though; he wanted Brock like no other, and he didn't care who knew it, especially after everything he had already been through with his friends and his parents.

Life was slow, desolate, lonely... The two men rarely uploaded videos to their channels, and whenever they did play something with the others, it was never genuine. They were quiet; not really ever in the mood to play. However, Brian connected with their friends; more so than Brock. It was just the way his personality was, while the older man shut out nearly everyone in the world. He didn't want any contact, any means of socialness at all. But despite all of this, all of everything, only one main question lingered.

How do you move on once you've accepted that the love of your life doesn't want you? Brian hadn't. He hadn't accepted it. Brock didn't either. Neither of them had, and that's why they _couldn't_ move on. It was nearly impossible. No doubt, the guys all took notice to it, and it affected each of them differently. Hell, their group of friends were split because of this. Something had to be done. They couldn't keep living like this. It was a complicated game that no one really ever knew the rules to. It left them all guessing. But even their attempts at normal life, left them unhappy, like there was something missing.

"No, no..." Marcel trailed off one day, as Brian attempted to play some prop hunt. "What I wanna know is _how in the fuck_ , did you walk out of your own wedding?" He continued. Evan was in the call, as well as Mini Ladd, and Nogla. In fact, they weren't even really playing anything, just talking of recent events. Brian had been pretty quiet, and not quite the person to share the new details of his life with anyone right now. But, he figured the guys had waited long enough, and that they were his friends, and deserved to know.

"Yeah, we want to know the full story." Mini added.

"Well, I didn't really walk out," Brian retorted as he started.

"Then what happened?" Vanoss asked. Of course, Evan had already heard it from Brock, but he wanted to know Brian's side as well.

"It's a long story," The Irishman got out. "I guess first of all I have to say that I didn't even want to marry that girl. My parents arranged it... And that's why Brock and I had to, you know, break up." It still wasn't easy to talk about Brock. Even after all this time had passed. His name still felt like poison on Brian's tongue; sour to the touch, bitter. So sitting here and telling the guys his story was no simple task. "My parents told me that I had a week to get rid of him, and I had no idea how I was going to do that. I broke his heart; I hurt him." He said sadly.

"That actually explains a lot." Nogla got out. "I'm sorry about that."

"I wanted to make my parents happy... Mostly my father. And I went along with it. But as the wedding got closer, I realized that it wasn't something I wanted. God, all I wanted was Brock... I didn't want my parents to have complete control over my life." Brian trailed off. "So I just never showed up to the wedding. I went to Brock's house. I was stupid for thinking that he would take me back after all the shit I've done to him. My parents practically disowned me, and you know? All of this just is pretty much my fault." He finished, letting out a long sigh afterward. "It's complicated and really dumb, and I'm just so sorry you all have to be involved like this."

"Hey," Vanoss interrupted. "You and Brock are our friends, we're here for you guys."

"Just give Brock time." Mini replied.

"It's been nearly four months," Brian deadpanned. "I'm pretty sure Brock doesn't want anything else to do with me. For good."

Marcel booed, "Don't be so negative!"

"Look guys, I appreciate the support and all... But I'm pretty tired so I think I'm just gonna go to bed." The Irishman got out, rubbing his eyes if only slightly. He had been staring at the computer for too long; been thinking about Brock for too long. It was time to sleep and forget, if only for a moment. He was about to bid them all farewell, when something slipped from his lips. "You guys haven't talked to Brock lately, have you?" It was hesitant when it came out, and Brian almost regretted it. But, he was curious. There was never any mention of him... Not any inclination as to how he was doing, and for lack of better words and terms, the Irishman was worried about him.

"Not for a few weeks, why?" Evan inquired.

"He's probably in worse shape than I am..." Brian trailed off, sighing.

"You still love him, don't you?" Nogla inquired.

Silence before he answered. "Of course I do. _I always will_." Brian responded, and got no reply. With Brock, it wasn't just a type of love that would go away. It was a one of a kind love; a love that lasted and stayed with you until you were old and gray. Brian would feel it forever, because that's exactly what it was; a forever kind of love. His chest clenched at the thought. He needed to sleep. He needed to dream so he could be with Brock in that way. As sad as that was, it was true, and instantly, it made him miserable. "Goodnight guys." He said, bidding his final farewell, before shutting everything down and heading to his messy, unkempt bed.

Evan made sure he was really gone from the call before he said anything else. "We have to do something."

"Oh shit," Mini commented. "Here we go."

"Actually, I was thinking the same thing." Nogla agreed with Vanoss. "It's been a long time since they've seen each other, I think if we gave them a push in the right direction-" However, he couldn't get the rest of his sentence out.

"They'd get back together!? Are you fucking serious?" Marcel interrupted. "That's stupid. And we'd have to lie to them to get them around each other."

"What's the worse that could happen?" Nogla questioned. "They'd be mad, but that's it. It's not going to make things any more unpleasant than they already are. I think we should do it." He tried to convince his other friends that were still in the call. Hell, this was their job. And after all, it would be fun and give them something to do for the time being. It wasn't like them to meddle, but it was apparent now that both men needed help, and after all, they were all friends, so it shouldn't hurt anything, right?

"It just might work," Evan replied. "They both still love each other, and now that Brian has his shit together, everything would be fine. They'd be happy!"

"Fuck it, I'm in." Mini Ladd answered. "We should call the others so we can plan something."

"Good idea." Vanoss said. "Let operation B and B, commence." And so they did just that. They got Tyler in the call, as well as Lui and Delirious, and a few others to let them know the details of the situation. From there, they made a plan. They sat there in the wee hours of the night to smooth out all of the kinks and make sure nothing would be able to go wrong. Once everything was agreed on, it was Evan who spoke for confirmation. "Alright, so a week from today is when we'll start everything. That good?" He asked and received a unanimous call of yes and sure.

"What if it doesn't work?" Lui asked.

"It's _going_ to work." Vanoss insisted. "Trust me."

"Whatever you say."


	48. i've done you wrong

"Brock, you need to get out of the house, come see me in LA." Evan pleaded over the phone as he listened to the sounds of the older man's hesitant breaths on the other line. "Don't make me beg, you're long overdue for a visit." His voice was kind, and yet it was deceptive because this was the first step in the big plan. It wasn't hard to get Brian to agree, as they had already taken care of that, but they knew Brock was going to be the difficult one. But Vanoss and the others did have a back up plan. If they couldn't get Brock to LA, then they'd just have to bring Brian to Utah. He hoped that would be a last resort though; that was the more inconvenient plan. "Mini's coming, Lui, Nogla... Come on, they all miss you." Evan said once more.

Brock sighed and closed his eyes. LA, the place that brought him so much joy and so much pain in a single short amount of time. Did he want to return to that place? The place where he had gotten his heart broken so many times? Brian crossed his mind and his chest heaved in slowly. It was a pain that he'd become accustomed to recently; a pain that had woken him many times during the middle of the night. "I don't know Evan..." He trailed off. Albeit it had been four months, he didn't know if he was ready to rip open fresh wounds once again. "...Brian's there-" And what if he did see Brian? But he was cut off before he could continue.

"Forget about Brian! I already bought your ticket so you need to come and see me and the others. Tom misses you too." Vanoss interrupted.

"Are you sure?" Brock questioned. It _would_ be nice to get out of the house for a few days.

Evan grinned, knowing that the plan was rolling into effect. "I'm positive. Your flight leaves tomorrow and I'll be there to pick you up at the airport."

The older man rolled his eyes, knowing that the asian had something up his sleeve. He just couldn't quite figure it out yet. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then... Uh, I gotta go pack, bye." He bid his friend a quick farewell before hanging up his phone and slipping it back into his pocket. Brock knew he needed to prepare himself for this trip, both mentally and emotionally. He was hoping though that he would have some fun while he was there in California, even if it was for just a day or two.

As soon as Vanoss got off the phone with Moo, he called Craig. "Brock agreed, the plan stays in effect." After that, much careful concentration was considered as the rest of the boys helped Evan prep for the rest of the plan. Getting Brian and Brock in the same place was just the first part of all. The next part? Creating an atmosphere where the two would be comfortable enough to work things out, that is, assuming everything goes well when they see each other for the first time in months. Because of the circumstances of the situation and the plan, Evan's apartment had to be the place where everything went down. He didn't mind though, and he had faith that everything would work out. He knew his friends and he knew them well.

When the next day finally arrived, and the time came, Marcel, Lui, Delirious, and the others put the finishing touches on what they were calling the blind date set up at Evan's apartment. "Alright," Mini interrupted the silence between the group of friends. "Evan's going to pick up Brock from the airport, and I'm going to get Brian at his apartment. You all need to get the fuck out of here, that way Brian will believe that I have to come get you, and that Evan is already on his way with not Brock." He laughed after explaining the plan, after all, it was kind of crazy. "Brian will be the only one here when Brock arrives, and viola." Mini gestured with his hands and the others stared at him.

"And you're sure this is going to actually work?" Daithi questioned. "It seems a bit iffy."

"Positive." Vanoss said with a sharp nod, "So let's get to work." That was when everything began. Mini and Evan left to go to their designated destinations, and the others were heading to a hotel that was chosen for the night, with their fingers crossed that everything would fall into place. After all, they wanted their friends to be happy once again. It was hell seeing them go through all of this nonsense.

After his drive, when Evan got to the airport, he was surprisingly nervous. What if Brock saw through his façade? He tried not to think negatively. Everything _had_ to work. And from there, he waited. He waited and waited for a confirmation text from his friend that was flying into LA. Finally, his phone buzzed, indicating that it was go time. Once he answered Brock, he texted Craig to let him know that the older man was ultimately here. "Hey!" Brock said once he spotted Evan. His appearance looked better, and Vanoss was thankful that the man wasn't in as bad shape as they all thought. He was pulling himself together and that was a wonderful thing. Hell, they'd have a hard time throwing him in front of Brian if he looked a hot mess.

Meanwhile, Mini already had Brian in his car and they were driving back to Vanoss' place. "I'm glad you all decided to do this," Brian said, staring out the passenger window of the car. The sun was hanging low in the deep blue sky, and it reflected in his eyes. "It's been awhile since we've all met up in person." The last time they did it, was at Brian's move in party, and well, that was when he and Brock were happy together. It hurt when he thought about that, so he looked to Mini for a response to what he was saying.

"Well, it was all Evan's idea." Craig replied with a glint in his eye. Brian had no idea as to what was going on, and Mini was thankful for that. Nevertheless, they finally arrived in front of Vanoss' apartment complex, and the brit stopped the car. "I have to drop you off so I can go get the others, Evan went to go pick up Delirious, but he should be back by now." He spoke to the Irishman carefully, as to not spoil anything.

Brian nodded obliviously, before getting his things and stepping out of the car. "Thanks for the ride then, I'll see you in a bit." He bid goodbye and watched Craig drive off before heading up the stairs to the apartment. It had been so long since he'd been to Evan's place, but everything looked exactly the same. But the apartment was void of people, and Brian learned quickly that Evan hadn't arrived yet. He put his things down in the living room on the couch before exploring the rest of the space. What he stumbled on upon the kitchen however, had him for lack of words. The table was set up with candles and dishes, flowers, the lights low... And...? Dinner? Was Evan going on a date? The Irishman was more confused than he had been for a long time.

Outside though, Vanoss pulled up to the apartment complex to let Brock out. "I have to go pick up Delirious, but the others are inside."

"Thanks for this, Evan, really." Brock said as he got out of the car.

"No problem!" The asian replied before driving off.

Brock looked at him strangely before making the trip to the door of his apartment. It was evening time now, and he was excited to see the others. With his bag in hand, he opened the entrance and made his way inside. Surprisingly, the home was quiet, eerily quiet. "Hello?" Brock called out, expecting to get a response but he got none. However, the smell of food caught him off guard. _They must be in the kitchen..._ The older man headed that way. "Marcel? Craig...? Lui?" He said, wondering just what in the hell was going on. He let his feet carry him forward and when he did get to the kitchen, it felt like his heart stopped completely in his chest. And then? Butterflies attacked him like a frenzy. "Brian?" His voice was gentle, his lilt kind.

The younger man was inspecting the food, keeping his eyes busy, still ever confused. But when he heard that voice; Brock's voice, he froze as the wheels in his head turned and everything suddenly made sense. This was a set up, and he thought he was dreaming and he was oh so afraid to look up at the man he was deeply in love with in fear that he might just disappear. Anxiety filled his bones, but he took a chance, and raised his head. Crystal blue met the soft brown that he had missed dearly, and a lump surfaced in his throat. It was Brock, it was his Brocky and he didn't know what to do. His hands were shaking, his eyes were watering, and he was _scared_. The last time he saw Brock, the older man had yelled at him, and they were not exactly on good terms. But he loved him, oh fucking god he loved him.

"Brock?" It barely left his lips when he said it, and they never broke eye contact once. "I'm... I'm glad to see you here."

"I'm glad to see you too." The older man answered without thinking.

Brian gestured to the table knowing that this was the plan all along, "Will you... Have dinner with me?"

A nod, "Okay."


	49. trust that i'm being true

Four months. Four long, dreadful months they had went without seeing each other... And somehow, it felt like many years as they sat across from one another at the small table set up just for them. Silence filled the room as they began to eat, both men sneaking shy glances at the other. Would this be it? The redemption that Brian was looking for? Or would they eat dinner and go their separate ways once more? The questions terrified him, and he hoped that it wasn't the latter. He'd give anything to be with Brock, but god, he didn't know how this evening, or even the next few days were going to play out. What if the spark was gone?

Brock's dark eyes were hesitant as he watched Brian fork some of the food into his mouth. For some unexplainable reason, he felt incredibly nervous. Butterflies swarmed his guts and anxiety made his hands shake with fever. Was it _really_ unexplainable? Or did he know why he felt like this? Maybe it was because his feelings for the Irishman still lingered... Maybe they had never gone away at all. But would he be able to forgive him if things worked out for the umpteenth time? He wasn't sure. All Brock did know, was that Brian still looked as beautiful as ever, his crystal blue eyes shining brighter than the stars that night. Oh how he had missed him during their separation; but, it had been for the best. Was that still the case?

Each of them too afraid to speak, but when someone finally did talk, it was Brian who interrupted the silence. "Just so you know," He hesitated as he looked up, getting struck and stumbling on his words as he made eye contact with Brock. "I had nothing to do with this." He gestured to the table, as if to let the older man know that he wasn't trying to win him back. Or was he? "The visit, the dinner, I'm just as confused as you." He chuckled a bit and Brock felt his heart skip a beat. His laugh was still and always would be the best thing in the world. It was like old times, when Brian had first moved to LA, when things were not so complicated between them.

Brock sighed, placing his silverware back on the table, struggling to keep eye contact with the younger man. "I knew Evan sounded weird when he dropped me off," A slight smile graced his lips. "They all did this, didn't they?" He was referring to their friends, and hell, he had to admit they did a pretty damn good job with the whole set up. After all, Vanoss knew Brock was a romantic at heart, that was probably why he was so sure that this would work.

Brian nodded, "I think it's meant to be a date..." He trailed off, scratching the back of his neck, realizing that the atmosphere had just gotten a bit awkward. It shouldn't have been though. After everything that he and Brock had been through? _His Brocky_? Things shouldn't be uncomfortable in even the slightest, but they were, and it killed him inside. He just wanted everything to go back to how it was before, and now... Now that _she_ wasn't in the way, and his parents weren't in the way? Maybe they could since there was nothing holding them back. They could really do it this time, but Brian was still unsure if that's what Brock really wanted. Maybe his heart had changed after the long separation.

"They did a pretty good job." Brock admitted, playing with his hands under the table, nerves taking over his body. Evan from just looking at him, Brian made him feels things that nobody else could. Throughout their long friendship, and even their short relationship, Brock believed that nobody would ever make him feel like Brian did. And being here with him right now? Well that was a godsend, and he was captivated by the way they could interact with each other like nothing had ever happened, even if the atmosphere was a little awkward. They were both awkward people so that was to be expected.

The Irishman nodded, "Yeah, they did." He took another bite of food, and couldn't help but to look back up at Brock, noticing that the older man was fidgeting quite a bit. He cleared his throat before he spoke, "Uh, you don't have to stay here with me if you don't want to, okay?" His voice got gentler in that moment, and Brock immediately caught on, feeling his heart soften. Brian was so considerate, even after all this time.

He smiled, "I'm here because I want to be."

"You sure?"

"Yes, absolutely." And suddenly, neither of them could tell what it was, but something had clicked.

"Listen, Brock..." Brian sat up, making direct eye contact with the older man. He had to get this off his chest, he had to say something about the elephant in the room before his heart vaulted straight out of his ribcage. "I just want to say that I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt-" He shook his head as he said those words, but Brock had cut him off in the middle of his sentence.

His voice was soft, yet firm. "You don't have to apologize." He got out. "And I don't want to talk about the past anymore. I should have helped you instead of blaming you, because you were going through so much Brian, and I was selfish. But now, I just want to put everything behind us." Brock looked up, noticing Brian's glassy eyes. "The guys went through all this trouble to set this up and get us here, let's just have a nice dinner and we'll take it from there... Do this thing for real this time." He sighed once he finished, smiling if only slightly. "Does that sound okay?" Brock inquired, reaching across the table to wipe the few tears that had fallen down the Irishman's flushed cheeks. It was inevitable; they were soulmates, they were meant to be together. Both were fools who just couldn't see it.

"I would like that very much," Brian replied. "Thank you." Dinner continued, each of them eating their food and enjoying small conversation with one another. They caught up on what they were missing out on in each other's lives, and somewhere between dinner and dessert, Brian had moved his chair so that he was sitting directly beside the older man instead of across from him. Their hands casually found one another's under the table and the skin on skin contact was almost too much to bear. It had been so long, too long. And now to be back with the other like this? Both men were in heaven. It was just like old times; like when they had to share an air mattress in Brian's new apartment, or when they went grocery shopping together and couldn't sleep because each man made the other too giddy. The connection was deep, and there was no denying it.

After hours of food and conversation, Brock didn't want this night to end, especially after it was going so well. "Now what?" He inquired, hoping that Brian wanted to spend more time with him as much as he did. They'd be inseparable once more.

"Let's go somewhere," The Irishman said once they were finished with their food.

Brock didn't even have to ask where. "Okay." He merely agreed and let Brian take him by the hand to a cab. A short ride ensued, but Brock knew exactly where they were going. His thoughts were confirmed when they reached their destination and got out of the vehicle. It was the beach they had visited time and time again when Brock had come to LA; and more specifically, it was the pier where they had had their first kiss and where their relationship began. So many memories filtered through their heads... Like the time they came swimming in their underwear and had to use the blankets in Brian's car to keep warm. Or the time where Brian won Brock so many stuffed animals. They had so many moments together it was nearly unreal. "I love this place," The older man got out.

Hand in hand, they walked in silence, and Brian knew that this was it; this was his chance to redeem himself and everything that he was made of. They made their way to the edge of the dock, where they had watched fireworks here so long ago. "Do you really want to do this with me? After everything I've done to you? Because you can change your mind, I won't blame you. We went through a lot." The Irishman was rambling as he reached for Brock's hand.

"I've never been more sure of anything ever," The older man answered with a small smile. "I want this, I want you."

"Do you trust me?" Brian inquired.

"Yes."

"Then close your eyes." The younger man ordered and it didn't take long for Brock to oblige. His eyes closed, with his long lashes brushing against his cheeks. He squeezed Brian's hand, mostly from nerves, but mostly from excitement as well. "Do you remember what happened the first time we came here together?" He inquired.

Brock nodded, keeping his eyes closed, "I kissed you."

"You did." Brian replied. "And now I'm going to kiss you." He said softly before pulling Brock closer to himself. He let go of his hands, and wrapped his arms around his broad body instead before gently pressing their lips together. There were no fireworks that night, but dear god both men felt them. Their heartbeats thrummed away in their chests like a fast freight train, almost derailing from the tracks. It was never enough, especially not with those two. When they finally pulled away from each other, it was because they needed to breathe, and even then, their foreheads stayed linked together as they felt each other's hot breath fanning across their faces.

"I love you." Brock said.

"I love you too." And just like that, Evan's plan had worked.


	50. baby you deserve forever

**Author's Note: Welcome to the last chapter, it has been one hell of a ride! Enjoy your reading and I will definitely see you all at the bottom of this page! Thanks for all the support!**

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There was no more anger, no more misunderstandings, no more hesitant feelings and unsure arguments. The past was simply the past, and both men understood that when it really came down to it. All they wanted was true happiness, and hell, they only got to experience that when they were with each other. So they accepted it; all the hurt, all the trouble... It was worth it. It was worth it now that they finally got to enjoy the essence of just being with the other man. Years and years of feelings continued to add up, and here they were, after all of the trials and tribulations, curled up on Evan's couch trying to get some sleep. "I'm glad Evan did this." Brian got out, disrupting the silence, turning his head so he could look at Brock curled up to his side.

"Oh yeah?" The older man inquired, raising a thick brow.

"Yeah." Brian nodded. "Because you're stubborn, and you might not have agreed to see me."

Brock rolled his eyes, "I'm not _that_ stubborn." The atmosphere was playful, and both men were grateful. Thankful even, that after all this time, things were normal. That was Brock's worst fear, that things wouldn't ever be the same. When Brian scoffed, the older man had to laugh. "Okay, so maybe I am." He smiled when saying those words. Of course, it was a bit odd, to pretend that nothing had ever happened, but then again, it was what both of them needed to survive through it all. And later, they probably would discuss it all, work through all the mayhem. But right now? Right now they wanted to revel in their bliss, they wanted to just enjoy what was each other. They both knew that about the other man.

"Do you think Evan is coming back tonight?" The Irishman inquired.

Brock shook his head, "Nah, he would have been back by now."

"You're right," Brian sighed, placing a kiss into his boyfriend's temple. "Are you okay with sleeping here? We could go back to my apartment... Or I think Evan at least has a guest room." He trailed off, eyeing Brock. He didn't care where they went, after all, Brian was sure that what he had planned next would work either way; he couldn't wait. And it's not like it was a big plan anyway, it was just sort of a spur of the moment thing since everything was going so well. But, it would be for later to come.

"Here is okay." The older man answered. He liked the closeness of the couch, he liked that Brian's arms were wrapped tightly around him. He liked that he could smell his shampoo and body wash radiating off his hair and skin. It almost reminded him of the early days in LA where the closeness of them occurred because of the size of the tiny air mattress. It brought back fond memories and nostalgia, and he couldn't help but to smile as he thought about it all. They really had come a long way. And even though they wanted to do so much more that night, just being together was enough. Even though they both wanted to make love, the intimacy made up for it, and the two of them were nothing but content.

As the night grew later, they began to grow more tired. Brian laughed as Brock let out a huge yawn. "Go to sleep," He said gently, nuzzling into his neck.

"I don't want to..." The older man trailed off, blinking sleepily.

"Brock," Brian smiled. "I promise you, I will be here when you wake up." God, how many times had he thrown around that word _promise_? How many times had he thrown it around and it not mean anything? He swore that this time would be different. This time would be oh so much better. This time he would keep his promises, and never let Brock down. "I swear." He said once more, taking his free hand and intertwining it with his boyfriend's. Once their fingers were linked, he brought the hand up to his mouth and left a kiss there.

Brock let his eyes close as another yawn left his lips, "Goodnight," He whispered. "I love you."

A few moments later, the older man was fast asleep, and Brian was about to be right there with him, as soon as he took care of a few things of course. He had carried the wedding band around in his pocket for months just in case the opportunity presented itself, and he figured now was a good time as any. In fact, right now, right now was a perfect time. So, he took the small gold band out of his pocket and gently slipped it onto Brock's ring finger. Brock was the only person he had ever wanted to marry, and now it would all be possible. He'd see it in the morning when he woke, and that's when Brian planned to propose to him. Sure, it wasn't that romantic, and it wasn't that well thought out... But it was spontaneous, and that was one of the many reasons that Brock was in love with the Irishman. He crossed his fingers, and prayed that this would work.

Once Brian had managed to calm down, he closed his eyes and slept too. With his boyfriend, the love of his life right beside him, this was the best night of sleep he had gotten in a long time. He felt comforted, at ease with the world and himself. However, it didn't feel like they slept for long, because the two men were awoken by the sound of Marcel screaming. "It worked! It totally fucking worked!" His voice was loud and echoed throughout the apartment. But, it was midmorning, and an acceptable time to wake up.

"Jesus Christ..." Brian mumbled as he opened his blue eyes if only slightly.

"Oh shit, sorry." Marcel apologized. "Didn't know you two were still asleep."

Brian sat up on the couch and rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he saw the rest of his friends come into view. Evan had a sheepish smile on his face, as if he felt bad about the whole ordeal. "Good morning," Vanoss greeted. "Get enough rest?" He chuckled.

"Well, I mean I probably could have slept longer if Marcel wouldn't have come through the apartment screaming, but you know, what can you do?" Brian replied sarcastically as he shrugged his shoulders. He soon felt a hand on his own, and looked to see Brock sitting up as well. "Good morning, Brocky." Oh it had felt like forever since he had gotten to use that affectionate nickname. A smile graced his face as he watched the older man yawn and fully wake up for the day.

"Morning," He replied.

"So I take it everything went well?" Nogla questioned.

"What does that mean?" Brock teased.

"Are you back together or not?" Tyler deadpanned.

Brian sighed, "Yes, we are. And thank you all for your assistance."

"We should start a match making business." Mini Ladd commented, which caused some laughter from the others.

"That's a horrible fucking idea." Lui said. "But I think we should go get some celebratory breakfast."

"I agree." Brock chimed in, breakfast being his favorite meal. "Just let me run to the bathroom really quick." He stood up, and walked towards Vanoss' bathroom, leaving everyone else behind. And as soon as he was out of sight, Brian remembered the wedding ring that he had put on his finger last night, and suddenly, there was a lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow down. Brock would notice it in the bathroom for sure, wouldn't he? He wasn't that oblivious. The nerves attacked him, and he didn't know if he could actually go through with this anymore. What if the older man turned him down.

He swallowed before lowering his voice, "Guys... I may have done something really stupid."

"What did you do?" Marcel inquired.

He sighed, "I put a wedding ring on Brock last night while he was sleeping... I'm going to ask him to marry me as soon as he sees the ring." Brian explained as he ran a hand through his messy hair. "What if he says no?" He questioned frantically.

Evan shook his head, "He's not going to say no, trust me."

As soon as Brock got done using the restroom and trying to clean himself up, he turned on the sink to go through with washing his hands. Last night had been more than perfect, and he knew that breakfast was about to be perfect as well. However, when he reached to put soap on his hands, something shiny caught his eye, and when he realized what it was, he could have choked on his own saliva if he weren't being careful. It was a wedding band, gold and elegant right on his left ring finger, and he knew it wasn't there last night. Immediately, tears filled his eyes, everything was so fast. So, he dried his hands, and made his way back out to Brian who was still on the couch. The rest of his friends had seemed to occupy themselves as well, or at least make themselves look busy. "Is this...?" He couldn't even get the full sentence out because he was so choked up. "Is this your ring?" His voice was low, soft.

Brian stood, taking a deep breath and grabbing Brock's hands. "It can be yours if you want it."

"Brian... Are you asking me what I think you're asking me?" Brock managed to laugh.

The Irishman could only nod. "I want to do this thing for real this time... So, Brock, will you marry me?" He asked the question with as much confidence as he could muster. "It doesn't even have to be a big wedding... We could go to Vegas for all I care. I just want to be with you and know that it's going to be a forever thing... You know?" He was rambling and Brock was crying and Vanoss, Nogla, and the others were standing by and watching with their breaths held tight.

"I... I don't know what to say." The older man answered.

"Oh my god, say yes!" Marcel yelled once more, causing everyone to laugh.

Brock nodded, chuckling as Brian attempted to wipe his tears. "Let's do it, let's get married."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

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 **Author's Note: And we have finally reached the end of this long adventure. I hope you guys liked reading it as much as I liked writing it. Fall semester starts tomorrow, and I'm still working two jobs, but I write when I can. If you'd like more stories like this, be sure to tell me. I'm going to focus on requests, oneshots, and drabbles before I start my next big fic, maybe do some cowrites. But if you guys want me to do something specific, send me a message! You can follow me on tumblr at heidipoo-xox, and again, thank you all for reading. Be sure to leave a review, and until next time, stay fabulous.**


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